[Pocketmouse]

Hi dudes!

Would really like some comments/critiques on a work-in-progress storyboard if any of you are up for it!

The story is a short about Merrik/Trixie - but don't worry if you don't know them (It's been like a year since I last battled). If this storyboard is working, it shouldn't matter if you know them or not! Anyway, here is the full board. It's kind of long so please don't Tl;Dr too soon!  ;v; <3
https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B_coOzjwbArRSndKaFNHZ1pDeWs
(Let me know if the link is working ok!<3)
here's a preview of how some of the panels look atm:

This started as a comic series idea, then grew into a collab with Skulls, even though she (understandably) got too busy I carried it on. If anyone else would be interested in collab-ing that would be pretty rad <3

Ultimately it will be a portfolio piece. There's loads of comics in there already so wanted to do something different, while still expanding on Merrik/Trixies story. It's kind of a stripped-down snippet from a larger arc.

I'd really like some advice on how to proceed tho. Not being versed at all in the process, since past storyboards have been for live-action commercials It's starting to feel kind of overwhelming? Storyboards are supposed to be rough and sketchy,  but atm it's too rough and sketchy. There are other options ofc, and any advice from the more animation-driven of you would be really helpful.

I don't have the stamina to finish up every single panel in fully-coloured properly rendered drawing, but would making a couple of 'fake screenshots' be a good option or a waste of time? animate sections?? IDK??? GO HOG WILD LIL VOIDSTERS!

if it's boring and you stopped reading half way that's still valuable feedback so let me know which bits made you lose interest etc so it can be chopped appropriately!

[Sabulive]

Omg this slipped past me

While I feel like this story is missing the beginning (like how did Trixie and Merrik get captured, flashbacks explains some but not all of it) the middle and the end is SO GOOD.

I'd love it if you made fake screenshots from some of these! Idk which ones, maybe some from the fight scene??
LOVE THIS
LOVE TRIXIE

[Crafty]

I don't know if your portfolio is just for story, but I usually see storyboards paired with character and environment designs. You could make some coloured shots of the film, they would be colour keys or film beats or tests or something, and they would serve as a representation of the 'look' of the final film. This is the first example I though of  http://tycarterart.tumblr.com/post/73726354853/i-hope-you-are-having-a-great-new-year-i-am   

I was going to do some cursory notes but things got a bit out of hand whoops:

Structural:
These are still very rough. Messiniess isn't so much a problem as clarity. One should be able to read through very quickly and never pause to try and figure out what is going on. The main example I can think of is in Trixie and Letta's battle, when T runs up to punch her. It appears she is punching forward with her left fist, and then in the next panel she has her right fist outstretched, and then I honestly don't know what happens in the panel after that.
That said, I think your fight sequences are strong, they mostly read very well and I really like your dynamic angles.

Story:
I think you really ought to show more Letta and establish who she is and what she does - everything I know about her has been told to me by other characters. Considering her actions at the end, I think you really need to make the audience understand her situation. And even her personality, like, is she a supervillain on tv? I guess not because people like her, but I don't know! And maybe you could actually establish what is going on with that lava room?? On my second read-through I noticed the couch and realised it was probably Letta's studio or something?? The lava needs explaining. You could possibly even foreshadow her twist by mentioning her accident.

Also, I know you are telling a story about Merrick and Trixie, but to me, Merrick seems a bit superfluous to the story, which is ultimately about Trixie and Letta and their perception of themselves (here I think it works well for them to be fashionistas, because of that focus on visual appearance and opinions of others). Good moments for Merrick though: Saying Trixie should like herself and stuff; turning on the camera.
Although I liked the Ehren reference, it isn't really relevant to the story. Similarly, I think the thing about human-robot love just kind of...sets the story up to be about something else entirely? I thought perhaps Letta just outing Trixie as a robot or saying she can't love fashion if robots can't love or whatever would be more reflective of the themes in the story.

Kind of related, although Merrick hitting Letta upside the head is probably my favourite scene, I feel like it would make more sense for Trixie to lay the blow that reveals Letta as being a robot. Or even if Letta accidentally inflicts it on herself. It seems like a potent twist, and gives a whole new insight into Letta's character (which would be a bigger deal if I had much of a conception of Letta's character beforehand I think). Or, basically, I think Merrick isn't really necessary here, and his feeling of loss for T doesn't contribute that much to the story I guess? If you have done your job as a storyteller, the audience should feel bad for Trixie. How did Merrick even get in here?

Also, maybe just explain the cameras a little? idk. Is anyone operating them? Are they recording the whole thing? On my second read through I figured they were only recording and not broadcasting at the beginning? The breaking news thing makes it seem live though. Idk much about Letta's show but pulling a gun on the new girl doesn't seem like fashion tv. Perhaps Letta could mean to attack Trixie when no-one is watching and it gets broadcast accidentally. Bc the way Letta feels about Trixie is the way she privately feels about herself, but she appears to love herself when she is on screen/when people are watching. She may confront T 'in private'/alone and behave that way, but when she realises the camera is on, she realises she has let people see the real her; not just physically, but emotionally.

Also, cut down on the scenes of people watching the broadcast. I liked the line about the sci fi movie but you could just show a few shots of different people watching TV and you're done. The little interlude only needs to be a few seconds to illustrate what is happening and does not actually need any dialogue. (If you establish Letta's popularity you don't need anyone to verbally confirm they recognise her because it is assumed )))

I feel like you could definitely distil and streamline the story a bit more, and don't be afraid to cut those little sequences you really like. 'Kill your Darlings' and so forth.

I do like the structure of pre-climax->flashback->climax, even if I just like nonlinear storytelling. I do feel like the story starts a little too late though, I think the audience needs some orientation and establishment of the setting and characters, even if you will be explaining it in more detail later.

I can't think of any immediate problems with Trixie, she is obviously perfect in every way.