Heavyweight Title Match

TheCydork
Artist

606 comments

# 17 Posted: Dec 31 2019, 10:10 PM

@Reecer Here’s the more in-depth critique/suggestions I mentioned in PMs

Long post ahead: Show

First of all, I can see what you were going for with interconnected storylines that don’t necessarily meet, and while you did technically do that, things often felt forced. These kind of stories are really hard to pull off well and especially in these circumstances. I think that to get better results, you either need a lot more time, a lot more pages, or be very well-versed in writing each individual character, and you didn’t have any of these things. Like you said yourself, there was not a lot of time, and you are not very familiar with most of these characters as they belong to other people. While it’s commendable to tackle 8 other characters, next time you should probably use a smaller cast of just your own characters, and give yourself time instead of trying to implement this kind of storytelling for the very first time in a huge, high stakes battle.

There are many points in the story where characters act OOC or appear to stand around waiting for things to happen to them - the linking of their stories does not feel organic. For example:

1) Iain really seemed to get the short end of the stick. Nothing he did felt like something he’d actually do, just something you needed to happen in order to push the story forward or make a joke. He throws an injured person out his shop, follows Remy around knowing he’s a killer, has uncontrolled plant outbursts, begs Tiffany for help, and runs off crying at the end. He’s spineless and dismissive of the problems he causes (immediately making to leave after he stabs Invyn, running away when it’s pointed out he caused the fire), and he has never read as that kind of person to me. It feels like the ending was written first, and then Iain was changed so that he had a reason to be at the convention centre and to act the way he does in the final panel. I also find it interesting that you think you dropped the ball on Jane, but Jane’s motivations are clear to me while I can’t really tell what Iain’s are.

2) JaJa just happens to be standing on a path with Mona, in front of Tiffany (who was chasing Jasper)... Even though they had both been in the same area beforehand. It felt like she’d been planted there so the four could interact. She also has a similar problem to Iain; both of them seem to be mostly good people, with Iain being kind to others in most of his comics, and JaJa rescuing people in most of hers, that are made out to be kinda shitty through their actions. JaJa was straight up willing to let people die just so she could look cool.

3) I mentioned this already but Remy stands still and says nothing for two entire pages so that Invyn could speak and then Jasper could punch him. It doesn’t make sense for him to do nothing, not even interject.

Successful interlinked stories work because all the characters act like themselves, so their interactions make sense. The plot is driven by the characters and not the other way round. Even if you weren’t aiming for a conclusion, you mentioned wanting to explore character dynamics and that only works when everyone is in-character. Maybe instead of following Remy because he’s scared, Iain helps Tiffany after Remy leaves, because she did crash through his window after all, and he accompanies her to make sure she’s okay. Remy going to Invyn’s alone does not affect the storyline, but now Iain has a way to reach the convention centre in a way that fits him a little better. This isn’t the best or even a great solution btw, just an example off the top of my head.

I haven’t watched Arrested Development, but the idea you had reminded me of The Good Place. I know you’ve watched it already but I thought breaking down S2 episode 1 would help me explain my point better? Since that had five separate storylines crossing over and resulting in chaos and fire, just like here. It would take very long to go over every storyline so I’ll just focus on two.

To recap Eleanor and Tahani’s personalities earlier in the show: Eleanor’s still a dick playing pretend, Tahani’s snooty but wants to save face, yadda yadda. At a party, Eleanor, being very stressed by her situation, pours herself four shots of alcohol. Before she can drink them, she catches two people talking about someone she’d been trying to investigate all day, so she wants to stay sober and instead pushes the drinks towards the first person she sees - Tahani. Tahani would usually not drink so much, but she’s also feeling shitty - through being overly polite, she’s permanently stuck with someone she doesn’t like and is dressed in ugly clothes. So she gets drunk. Being drunk lets her inhibitions down, so later in the night when Eleanor is due to give a speech about a life she hasn’t even lived and desperately needs saving from, Tahani bursts out of the crowd and tries to steal the spotlight from Eleanor. In the ensuing fight, they fall and knock a candle off the table, which sets fire to the tablecloth and curtains. Everything makes sense and flows organically. When characters don’t act the way they normally do, there’s understandable reasons for that.

Also, you say unsatisfying conclusions are Invyn’s point and it’s an interesting way to go, but I’m not sure it’ll work out. You can write something that’s unsatisfying WITHIN the story, like an ending where things get worse instead of better, but when you write something that’s unsatisfying AS a story, to the readers... whether it’s intentional or not, it still remains unsatisfying. I didn’t have time to read through all the archives, but I read most of Invyn and Jasper’s, plus some comics of other characters of yours, and the latter ones I read also featured this “fizzling out”, inconclusive kind of energy. Conversely, quite a few Invyn comics end on some little quip or joke to wrap everything up that suits his character. So, to me this comes off less as an intentional choice for Invyn and more like you have difficulty sticking the landing sometimes.

Please don’t let my thoughts discourage you though. You should definitely take pride in accomplishing 25 pages in this amount of time and taking a bold risk with a different kind of storytelling. Your confidence is admirable and something I could learn from, as someone who often spends so long fussing over and questioning his work, ultimately progressing nowhere. And I do genuinely like Jasper. So, hope what I said was somewhat helpful, and keep at it

@Reecer Here’s the more in-depth critique/suggestions I mentioned in PMs

[spoiler=Long post ahead]First of all, I can see what you were going for with interconnected storylines that don’t necessarily meet, and while you did technically do that, things often felt forced. These kind of stories are really hard to pull off well and especially in these circumstances. I think that to get better results, you either need a lot more time, a lot more pages, or be very well-versed in writing each individual character, and you didn’t have any of these things. Like you said yourself, there was not a lot of time, and you are not very familiar with most of these characters as they belong to other people. While it’s commendable to tackle 8 other characters, next time you should probably use a smaller cast of just your own characters, and give yourself time instead of trying to implement this kind of storytelling for the very first time in a huge, high stakes battle.

There are many points in the story where characters act OOC or appear to stand around waiting for things to happen to them - the linking of their stories does not feel organic. For example:

1) Iain really seemed to get the short end of the stick. Nothing he did felt like something he’d actually do, just something you needed to happen in order to push the story forward or make a joke. He throws an injured person out his shop, follows Remy around knowing he’s a killer, has uncontrolled plant outbursts, begs Tiffany for help, and runs off crying at the end. He’s spineless and dismissive of the problems he causes (immediately making to leave after he stabs Invyn, running away when it’s pointed out he caused the fire), and he has never read as that kind of person to me. It feels like the ending was written first, and then Iain was changed so that he had a reason to be at the convention centre and to act the way he does in the final panel. I also find it interesting that you think you dropped the ball on Jane, but Jane’s motivations are clear to me while I can’t really tell what Iain’s are.

2) JaJa just happens to be standing on a path with Mona, in front of Tiffany (who was chasing Jasper)... Even though they had both been in the same area beforehand. It felt like she’d been planted there so the four could interact. She also has a similar problem to Iain; both of them seem to be mostly good people, with Iain being kind to others in most of his comics, and JaJa rescuing people in most of hers, that are made out to be kinda shitty through their actions. JaJa was straight up willing to let people die just so she could look cool.

3) I mentioned this already but Remy stands still and says nothing for two entire pages so that Invyn could speak and then Jasper could punch him. It doesn’t make sense for him to do nothing, not even interject.

Successful interlinked stories work because all the characters act like themselves, so their interactions make sense. The plot is driven by the characters and not the other way round. Even if you weren’t aiming for a conclusion, you mentioned wanting to explore character dynamics and that only works when everyone is in-character. Maybe instead of following Remy because he’s scared, Iain helps Tiffany after Remy leaves, because she did crash through his window after all, and he accompanies her to make sure she’s okay. Remy going to Invyn’s alone does not affect the storyline, but now Iain has a way to reach the convention centre in a way that fits him a little better. This isn’t the best or even a great solution btw, just an example off the top of my head.

I haven’t watched Arrested Development, but the idea you had reminded me of The Good Place. I know you’ve watched it already but I thought breaking down S2 episode 1 would help me explain my point better? Since that had five separate storylines crossing over and resulting in chaos and fire, just like here. It would take very long to go over every storyline so I’ll just focus on two.

To recap Eleanor and Tahani’s personalities earlier in the show: Eleanor’s still a dick playing pretend, Tahani’s snooty but wants to save face, yadda yadda. At a party, Eleanor, being very stressed by her situation, pours herself four shots of alcohol. Before she can drink them, she catches two people talking about someone she’d been trying to investigate all day, so she wants to stay sober and instead pushes the drinks towards the first person she sees - Tahani. Tahani would usually not drink so much, but she’s also feeling shitty - through being overly polite, she’s permanently stuck with someone she doesn’t like and is dressed in ugly clothes. So she gets drunk. Being drunk lets her inhibitions down, so later in the night when Eleanor is due to give a speech about a life she hasn’t even lived and desperately needs saving from, Tahani bursts out of the crowd and tries to steal the spotlight from Eleanor. In the ensuing fight, they fall and knock a candle off the table, which sets fire to the tablecloth and curtains. Everything makes sense and flows organically. When characters don’t act the way they normally do, there’s understandable reasons for that.

Also, you say unsatisfying conclusions are Invyn’s point and it’s an interesting way to go, but I’m not sure it’ll work out. You can write something that’s unsatisfying WITHIN the story, like an ending where things get worse instead of better, but when you write something that’s unsatisfying AS a story, to the readers... whether it’s intentional or not, it still remains unsatisfying. I didn’t have time to read through all the archives, but I read most of Invyn and Jasper’s,  plus some comics of other characters of yours, and the latter ones I read also featured this “fizzling out”, inconclusive kind of energy. Conversely, quite a few Invyn comics end on some little quip or joke to wrap everything up that suits his character. So, to me this comes off less as an intentional choice for Invyn and more like you have difficulty sticking the landing sometimes.

Please don’t let my thoughts discourage you though. You should definitely take pride in accomplishing 25 pages in this amount of time and taking a bold risk with a different kind of storytelling. Your confidence is admirable and something I could learn from, as someone who often spends so long fussing over and questioning his work, ultimately progressing nowhere. And I do genuinely like Jasper. So, hope what I said was somewhat helpful, and keep at it :)[/spoiler]

Cab
Artist

153 comments

# 16 Posted: Dec 31 2019, 05:31 PM

I just wanna start by stating that it doesn't matter if you won or not, the fact that the Gauntlet was thrown and you all accepted the challenge, is something to be commended.

This was a heavy-heavy weight to embark on, two of you were new voiders fresh from this year's Invitationals and you showed that the new crop isn't afraid to step up, you did us all proud- Footini and Buggy.
You all showed various interesting tales and styles in your entries, and to me this is the true heart of Enter void, not the outcome of the battles, but the journey of the battles, and the tales we tell along the way and you ALL did great.

Once again congratulations to all of you, from Mr.PR to our new champion, Golden. You all closed out the year with a bang, I can't wait to see what the next HW brings in the summer, rest up everyone you all deserved it and always (not just goldie) you all stay Golden.

---
[ Also Kozi, we are aware of how amazingly talented you are and while it was a shame bad timing basically had you vacant the title without a fight, I'm sure you would've delivered an entertaining, awesome comic like always, you did great as the former champion] Once again all of you take a bow.

Reecer6
Artist

365 comments

# 15 Posted: Dec 31 2019, 11:43 AM

thank you for the comments, everyone!

unfortunately, i'm still a little in the dark about the general impression people had about my story; i really wanted to know if it worked or not for most people and i'd guess based on the score it didn't, but there's a lot of confounding variables there! it's running on my mind because i was immensely proud of what i had written. it's something i've wanted to do for a good bit but never really had a chance before: writing an ensemble cast and giving them all their own little storylines so that they weave together and interconnect and don't all HAVE to meet. i mentioned in the discord once a million years ago that i was watching arrested development and i went "i want to write this" and this is basically what i meant.

it's definitely a little fast, there are some scenes on re-reading that absolutely need another page or at least a couple more panels, as well as the fact that NOTHING LINES UP ON A PAGE BORDER AND IT FRUSTRATED ME IMMENSELY, but you know, it's goddamn heavyweight, i'm tired and i want to rest so i'm writing the most barebones script i can and then maybe i can beeline to the coloring stage (i could not). but i really have no idea if it reads well! obviously it reads well to me, but if you're coming in expecting a typical comic format, this might just feel really chaotic and unfocused, as a couple of you intimated. i don't know if that's the norm or not u_u this was really fun to do and i'd love to try and do it more, i just don't know how much resistance is going to be put up in front of me, how much i need to rethink my writing strategies.

also, for specific things: iain's speech going on for Far Too Long is supposed to be a joke but yeah i didn't really sell it well at all. yeah, a lot of people's stories fizzled out - but that's kind of the point; invyn is a terrible character who ruins all narrative comprehension and that's his real role as the greatest villain in all of fiction, he just makes things unsatisfying, and in a way, to me, that's its own type of satisfaction.

thank you for the comments, everyone!

unfortunately, i'm still a little in the dark about the general impression people had about my story; i really wanted to know if it worked or not for most people and i'd guess based on the score it didn't, but there's a lot of confounding variables there! it's running on my mind because i was immensely proud of what i had written. it's something i've wanted to do for a good bit but never really had a chance before: writing an ensemble cast and giving them all their own little storylines so that they weave together and interconnect and don't all HAVE to meet. i mentioned in the discord once a million years ago that i was watching arrested development and i went "i want to write this" and this is basically what i meant.

it's definitely a little fast, there are some scenes on re-reading that absolutely need another page or at least a couple more panels, as well as the fact that NOTHING LINES UP ON A PAGE BORDER AND IT FRUSTRATED ME IMMENSELY, but you know, it's goddamn heavyweight, i'm tired and i want to rest so i'm writing the most barebones script i can and then maybe i can beeline to the coloring stage (i could not). but i really have no idea if it reads well! obviously it reads well to me, but if you're coming in expecting a typical comic format, this might just feel really chaotic and unfocused, as a couple of you intimated. i don't know if that's the norm or not u_u this was really fun to do and i'd love to try and do it more, i just don't know how much resistance is going to be put up in front of me, how much i need to rethink my writing strategies.

also, for specific things: iain's speech going on for Far Too Long is supposed to be a joke but yeah i didn't really sell it well at all. yeah, a lot of people's stories fizzled out - but that's kind of the point; invyn is a terrible character who ruins all narrative comprehension and that's his real role as the greatest villain in all of fiction, he just makes things unsatisfying, and in a way, to me, that's its own type of satisfaction.

Rose
Web Dev

1180 comments

# 14 Posted: Dec 31 2019, 03:02 AM

Thanks for all the crits and kind words and CONGRATS GOLDIE ON THE WIN!!! I'm still basking in the afterglow of how cute you made Tiffany haha. Thanks everyone for making this a fun fight!

Flutterbyes
Artist

299 comments

# 13 Posted: Dec 30 2019, 05:08 PM

Bobo: EVERYONE IS ADORABLE. Lisa got BUFF (Mona’s big ink blot character eyes cracked me up, too). And Remy… I think he just looks easygoing and happy when he probably is supposed to come off more confidently sinister. Even Remy cannot escape the cute. There was some good peril and suspense, but I’m not sure it came together completely in the end. I’m not really sure what the significance of the ending is, really. I suppose it’s avoiding a “cliché” feeling ending with Tiffany’s outburst winning over Remy’s powers, but that might have been a more satisfying climax.

Mr Kent: I like your scene transitions. The story thus far has some good pacing and introductions of ideas and characters, with a natural flow that doesn’t feel crowded. Jaja, Tiffany, and Jane make an adorable campy adventure team.

Footini: GOD DAMN 69 pages. You’re mad. But, hey, you got the whole story in (and it’s still clear who’s who and what’s happening even in the incomplete pages. Good prioritizing!), and you clearly had a big cinematic vision for a standalone oneshot thriller with somewhat distaff versions of the characters having chemistry as friends and enemies. Ivyn kind of got the short end of the stick here, but you made up for it with Jasper’s reappearances. After seeing so many iterations of Remy just killing people, it’s nice to see him as a lousy blues singer unsuccessfully trying to get away from his past. Your writing is king here, and everyone is introduced well enough that you don’t need to know what the deal with everyone is beforehand to appreciate the story and everyone in it. Although that chasm did kind of come out of nowhere.

Reecer: Tiffany’s introduction on page 2 confused me. I thought she’d exploded out of the book. Perhaps a shot that reverses the setup (perhaps some billowing clothes and hair) would have paid off better. The story really moves all over the place. There are some really fun set pieces here and bits of characters interaction and dialog that say everything you need to know about these people in this world, but the way it bounces back and forth from mood to mood and scene to scene is a little confusing. Jane getting everyone into the fire hatch was my favorite scene. Aleyah doing sign language for the speech is a great touch.

MRPR: Backstory! It’s too bad you couldn’t finish, because I really did want to see where this tale of Mona’s struggle would go. So, I can’t properly judge the role of the backstory in this comic. I recognize that Mona wears eyeshadow and that stripe is a highlight, but sometimes it’s not communicating (like on the first page where Mona seems to be wearing some badass aviator shades)? There is some great imagery working with the limited palette of a high contrast comic, particularly when your shapes are elegant and dynamic. Sometimes they came out blobby (and in one panel Lisa’s chest came out looking like a giant double chin). Also, DANG Sukri is ripped.

Buggy: Interesting choice, making them the deity Iain deals with centuries ago. A little odd that Ivyn is so jerkishly shopping for supplies at a festival. Seems more like a store drama squeezed into a festival just to create that setup. I rather like the theme you set up around the three-fold rule via that relatively calm conversation with Remy, but I’m not sure it really paid off. It’s a little disconnected. Maybe it would have been stronger without the explanation from Aleyjah & Sukri, with Iain figuring it out himself? It’s still a little weird how this ties in with Remy, since this is both connected to his curse, but also due to Remy interfering, for reasons unclear?

Golden: WELL. Look at you coming right out of the gate with a big ol’ helping of sex appeal. Everyone is so pretty and lovable. Even Remy has so much appeal, and he’s been killing people.After all these comics from outsiders’ POV, it’s nice to finish off with “hearing” Aleyjah. Their relationship is just full of constant feelings, and even the characters in the story can tell. I like your reimagining of everyone, but they do kind of come out of nowhere. I suppose you introduced them as well as you could in an AU Heavyweight battle, though. Mona-Lisa was just a short battle, but I liked her reimagining a lot. Unfortunately, her encounter ultimately didn’t play a big role in the story, and the attention you gave it really really should have gone to the climax. I can barely tell what’s happening at what are clearly very important moments.

Bobo: EVERYONE IS ADORABLE. Lisa got BUFF (Mona’s big ink blot character eyes cracked me up, too). And Remy… I think he just looks easygoing and happy when he probably is supposed to come off more confidently sinister. Even Remy cannot escape the cute. There was some good peril and suspense, but I’m not sure it came together completely in the end. I’m not really sure what the significance of the ending is, really. I suppose it’s avoiding a “cliché” feeling ending with Tiffany’s outburst winning over Remy’s powers, but that might have been a more satisfying climax.

Mr Kent: I like your scene transitions. The story thus far has some good pacing and introductions of ideas and characters, with a natural flow that doesn’t feel crowded. Jaja, Tiffany, and Jane make an adorable campy adventure team.

Footini: GOD DAMN 69 pages. You’re mad. But, hey, you got the whole story in (and it’s still clear who’s who and what’s happening even in the incomplete pages. Good prioritizing!), and you clearly had a big cinematic vision for a standalone oneshot thriller with somewhat distaff versions of the characters having chemistry as friends and enemies. Ivyn kind of got the short end of the stick here, but you made up for it with Jasper’s reappearances. After seeing so many iterations of Remy just killing people, it’s nice to see him as a lousy blues singer unsuccessfully trying to get away from his past. Your writing is king here, and everyone is introduced well enough that you don’t need to know what the deal with everyone is beforehand to appreciate the story and everyone in it. Although that chasm did kind of come out of nowhere.

Reecer: Tiffany’s introduction on page 2 confused me. I thought she’d exploded out of the book. Perhaps a shot that reverses the setup (perhaps some billowing clothes and hair) would have paid off better. The story really moves all over the place. There are some really fun set pieces here and bits of characters interaction and dialog that say everything you need to know about these people in this world, but the way it bounces back and forth from mood to mood and scene to scene is a little confusing. Jane getting everyone into the fire hatch was my favorite scene. Aleyah doing sign language for the speech is a great touch.

MRPR: Backstory! It’s too bad you couldn’t finish, because I really did want to see where this tale of Mona’s struggle would go. So, I can’t properly judge the role of the backstory in this comic. I recognize that Mona wears eyeshadow and that stripe is a highlight, but sometimes it’s not communicating (like on the first page where Mona seems to be wearing some badass aviator shades)? There is some great imagery working with the limited palette of a high contrast comic, particularly when your shapes are elegant and dynamic. Sometimes they came out blobby (and in one panel Lisa’s chest came out looking like a giant double chin). Also, DANG Sukri is ripped.

Buggy: Interesting choice, making them the deity Iain deals with centuries ago. A little odd that Ivyn is so jerkishly shopping for supplies at a festival. Seems more like a store drama squeezed into a festival just to create that setup. I rather like the theme you set up around the three-fold rule via that relatively calm conversation with Remy, but I’m not sure it really paid off. It’s a little disconnected. Maybe it would have been stronger without the explanation from Aleyjah & Sukri, with Iain figuring it out himself? It’s still a little weird how this ties in with Remy, since this is both connected to his curse, but also due to Remy interfering, for reasons unclear?

Golden: WELL. Look at you coming right out of the gate with a big ol’ helping of sex appeal. Everyone is so pretty and lovable. Even Remy has so much appeal, and he’s been killing people.After all these comics from outsiders’ POV, it’s nice to finish off with “hearing” Aleyjah. Their relationship is just full of constant feelings, and even the characters in the story can tell. I like your reimagining of everyone, but they do kind of come out of nowhere. I suppose you introduced them as well as you could in an AU Heavyweight battle, though. Mona-Lisa was just a short battle, but I liked her reimagining a lot. Unfortunately, her encounter ultimately didn’t play a big role in the story, and the attention you gave it really really should have gone to the climax. I can barely tell what’s happening at what are clearly very important moments.

Kozispoon
Artist

1211 comments

# 12 Posted: Dec 30 2019, 04:35 PM

REECER- I dug how you handled the interaction of the characters by having them have their own one on one intros and storylines independent of the overall huge group. I especially dug seeing Jaja trying to encourage Mona's bad side to come out. It was not only adorable, but pretty funny. It's cool to see that you really went wacky with her and utilized things like a faucet for an arm to put out the fire. Your dry deadpan humor never ceases to showcase itself in your comics and this is no exception- especially with Invyn at the helm.

I think the one thing you can work on (and funnily enough is also my problem) is your linewidth. All of your inks- from characters to elements and backgrounds are all the same width. It makes everything bleed together and loses your characters into the background and environment. Pull them out and give them weight by giving them a bolder linewith. I'd also watch out for your word bubble placement. After a few read throughs I realized I was reading word bubbles next to say, Tiffany that was really Lain talking.

MRPR- Man don't I know the struggle of not being able to finish, but for what you did, this was a great showing! you've been on fire not only in heavyweight but throughout the year. A comics making machine =0

You're really doing well with your establishing shots and backgrounds by way of giving a base world for the characters to run around in. I think your next challenge is to give it personality. we get these great flashbacks to wee lil Mona in what I can only assume is a toon physician? Psychologist? What does a zany toony office waiting room look like by way of quirks or even other toons waiting to be seen? You have such great starts like the holding cel for Mona I'd love to see you push that. As for characterizations, I love LOVE your tiffany. The three panel action on page 11 has to be my favorite. That big bugged out eye is hilarious!

BUGGY- This has to by my favorite method of using the tournament to further your characters development. What a twist!

I dug this minimal style you had. No doubt to save on time, but it has a nice impact with the subtle paper texture and shading. I especially like how you handled including all the opponents in order to showcase them but not have to rely on having to keep them in the scene. That's pretty smart!
Also, this is so superfluous, but can I say I love LOVE that you included Remy's bad slouch/posture in the bench scene. Way to pay attention to detail! Bringing back the foxglove jar, and the cut on the hand mirroring the flashback. Really all great story elements that made for a great intense tale! I think if I had to nitpick my only thing is that you have a real comfort zone with your faces which edges into same face syndrome. It gets especially noticeable when you're dealing with characters of different ethnicities.

REECER- I dug how you handled the interaction of the characters by having them have their own one on one intros and storylines independent of the overall huge group. I especially dug seeing Jaja trying to encourage Mona's bad side to come out. It was not only adorable, but pretty funny.  It's cool to see that you really went wacky with her and utilized things like a faucet for an arm to put out the fire. Your dry deadpan humor never ceases to showcase itself in your comics and this is no exception- especially with Invyn at the helm.

I think the one thing you can work on (and funnily enough is also my problem) is your linewidth. All of your inks- from characters to elements and backgrounds are all the same width. It makes everything bleed together and loses your characters into the background and environment. Pull them out and give them weight by giving them a bolder linewith. I'd also watch out for your word bubble placement. After a few read throughs I realized I was reading word bubbles next to say, Tiffany that was really Lain talking.

MRPR- Man don't I know the struggle of not being able to finish, but for what you did, this was a great showing! you've been on fire not only in heavyweight but throughout the year. A comics making machine =0

You're really doing well with your establishing shots and backgrounds by way of giving a base world for the characters to run around in. I think your next challenge is to give it personality. we get these great flashbacks to wee lil Mona in what I can only assume is a toon physician? Psychologist? What does a zany toony office waiting room look like by way of quirks or even other toons waiting to be seen? You have such great starts like the holding cel for Mona  I'd love to see you push that. As for characterizations, I love LOVE your tiffany. The three panel action on page 11 has to be my favorite. That big bugged out eye is hilarious!

BUGGY- This has to by my favorite method of using the tournament to further your characters development. What a twist!

I dug this minimal style you had. No doubt to save on time, but it has a nice impact with the subtle paper texture and shading. I especially like how you handled including all the opponents in order to showcase them but not have to rely on having to keep them in the scene. That's pretty smart!
Also, this is so superfluous, but can I say I love LOVE that you included Remy's bad slouch/posture in the bench scene. Way to pay attention to detail! Bringing back the foxglove jar, and the cut on the hand mirroring the flashback. Really all great story elements that made for a great intense tale! I think if I had to nitpick my only thing is that you have a real comfort zone with your faces which edges into same face syndrome. It gets especially noticeable when you're dealing with characters of different ethnicities.

ArtsandGoodies
Artist

566 comments

# 11 Posted: Dec 29 2019, 10:03 PM

Bobo: Your style is really cute and great job with the art here. This is some of the strongest art in this heavyweight. You already mentioned the core issue of your writing in your comment,which is the pacing. With a big cast its hard to make a solid plot connecting them all characters, but this comic is driven by the plot and the characters are just forced to follow along without saying anything about any of the characters. When writing bigger plots like this you should try removing more of the events and give more time for the characters to react to the events, Character is more important than plot. Also you should remove some events if it means no time for establishing shots or proper transitions. Just stuff to keep in mind for future comics but great job with what you did here.

Kent: This is great stuff and would love to see more of the story. Your inks are always a treat and the set up for all the characters is really nice and alwyas enjoy seeing more of your art.

Footini: great job on 69 pages that is an impressive amount. Your story was the strongest element here and I like what you did with the characters here even though it doesn't exactly fit into the Doiv setting. I think the biggest crit i have is making sure your pictures are properly taken of your pages and cropped correctly, you can also use some of the filters to make it fully monochrome as well as push the contrast if you like as well.

Reecer: I enjoy your writing and have a similar sense of humor. I like how you did different colors for all the new scenes. You're also improving in your anatomy and challenging yourself with different poses. Here are some specific anatomy things you should practice and focus on to level up your draftsmen ship
You seem to have trouble bending characters as standing there a bit stiff but with any sort of bend they still don't feel like they're bending enough. You should do some figure drawing practice looking for poses of the models doing extreme bends like trying to touch their toes or maybe even yoga and study those poses, when studying them focus on the gesture of the poses and not the outside contour lines.
Beyond that you should try to do some focused study sessions on just the Trapezius muscle and surrounding shoulder/neck connections which is an sometimes subtle but important area to learn and one that seems to be missing in a lot of your figures.

MRPR: Shame you couldn't finish but what you have here is nice. Working on Mona's character and delving deeper into her psychosis is nice. Also you're working on implementing backgrounds in the all the pages which is good so just keep working and it would be cool to see a full colored completed version of this as a BB if art block isn't too bad.

Buggy: I like the inks you have here, also the idea of the heavyweights being a festival is a cute one and I enjoy that take on the setting. I am confused about the Curse, mainly i'm confused about why Iain got arrested. If they were going to arrest him because someone used one of his magically objects to kill someone why would he be allowed to sell that stuff at the festival and why would he be arrested for someone else using them maliciously? it comes off like just a reason to beat up on Iain more.

Goldie: damn girl you're strong, your inks are great and this world you're doing is awesome, you mentioned doing a fully completed one as a BB and that is awesome and I'm hype for that.

Bobo: Your style is really cute and great job with the art here. This is some of the strongest art in this heavyweight. You already mentioned the core issue of your writing in your comment,which is the pacing. With a big cast its hard to make a solid plot connecting them all characters, but this comic is driven by the plot and the characters are just forced to follow along without saying anything about any of the characters. When writing bigger plots like this you should try removing more of the events and give more time for the characters to react to the events, Character is more important than plot. Also you should remove some events if it means no time for establishing shots or proper transitions. Just stuff to keep in mind for future comics but great job with what you did here.

Kent: This is great stuff and would love to see more of the story. Your inks are always a treat and the set up for all the characters is really nice and alwyas enjoy seeing more of your art.

Footini: great job on 69 pages that is an impressive amount. Your story was the strongest element here and I like what you did with the characters here even though it doesn't exactly fit into the Doiv setting. I think the biggest crit i have is making sure your pictures are properly taken of your pages and cropped correctly, you can also use some of the filters to make it fully monochrome as well as push the contrast if you like as well.

Reecer: I enjoy your writing and have a similar sense of humor. I like how you did different colors for all the new scenes.  You're also improving in your anatomy and challenging yourself with different poses. Here are some specific anatomy things you should practice and focus on to level up your draftsmen ship
You seem to have trouble bending characters as standing there a bit stiff but with any sort of bend they still don't feel like they're bending enough. You should do some figure drawing practice looking for poses of the models doing extreme bends like trying to touch their toes or maybe even yoga and study those poses, when studying them focus on the gesture of the poses and not the outside contour lines.
Beyond that you should try to do some focused study sessions on just the Trapezius muscle and surrounding shoulder/neck connections which is an sometimes subtle but important area to learn and one that seems to be missing in a lot of your figures.

MRPR: Shame you couldn't finish but what you have here is nice. Working on Mona's character and delving deeper into her psychosis is nice. Also you're working on implementing backgrounds in the all the pages which is good so just keep working and it would be cool to see a full colored completed version of this as a BB if art block isn't too bad.

Buggy: I  like the inks you have here, also the idea of the heavyweights being a festival is a cute one and I enjoy that take on the setting. I am confused about the Curse, mainly i'm confused about why Iain got arrested. If they were going to arrest him because someone used one of his magically objects to kill someone why would he be allowed to sell that stuff at the festival and why would he be arrested for someone else using them maliciously? it comes off like just a reason to beat up on Iain more.

Goldie: damn girl you're strong, your inks are great and this world you're doing is awesome, you mentioned doing a fully completed one as a BB and that is awesome and I'm hype for that.

Kozispoon
Artist

1211 comments

# 10 Posted: Dec 27 2019, 11:16 PM

First off, a sincere and heartfelt apology to everyone in this title match. The holidays are such a crazy time to do a battle and I unfortunately couldn't manage family, travel problems and defending this title. I doff my hat to the cats who not only were able to do what I couldn't, but delivered some seriously radical comics. That said, lemme get to the good stuff- the crits!

BOBO- I freakin love Tiffany. Her aesthetic, her look, her sugary sweetness- even to a fault since it makes her looking tough kinda hard, haha! Also I think of all the battles, yours seemed the most polished and 'final', so to speak. You had some nice color transitions, overall use of subtle textures, and your inkwork and style is really just so cutesy and nice it makes you smile. Your backgrounds also are really fully realized- Lains shop has to be my favorite bit. You added so much detail.

I'll be the first one to admit how hard it is to include so many characters and make it seem seamless and organic. you started off with a great hook with the dream, then transitioned seamlessly into her waking up and making her way outside (great movement and wrinkles on her putting her shirt on by the way). I think the problem is where you start introducing characters and interaction. You got this great build up with Tiff coming across Remy, then transition to a slew of fantastic coincidences and meet cutes. The interactions felt static and weird and the overall plot I found myself re-reading and wondering where it was leading and how we got there. I know you touched a bit on it in chat so I think you're not only aware, but seem fired up to take that crit and improve upon it.

KENT- I never get tired of your tongue in cheek humor and the small little jabs at your opponents- and your own characters expense. I found myself totally snickering over the WHORE offices especially and Tiff popping out of a crude oil barrel. I love LOVE that you had Mona and Remy be a dastardly duo working together. Mona has such a great hook for being bad it only makes sense (and I'm surprised more people didnt use it!).
Your strength for sure is your storytelling and you built up something really well here only to leave me groaning that I never get to see how this all pans out. Talk about a great set up!

First off, a sincere and heartfelt apology to everyone in this title match. The holidays are such a crazy time to do a battle and I unfortunately couldn't manage family, travel problems and defending this title. I doff my hat to the cats who not only were able to do what I couldn't, but delivered some seriously radical comics. That said, lemme get to the good stuff- the crits! :D

BOBO- I freakin love Tiffany. Her aesthetic, her look, her sugary sweetness- even to a fault since it makes her looking tough kinda hard, haha! Also I think of all the battles, yours seemed the most polished and 'final', so to speak. You had some nice color transitions, overall use of subtle textures, and your inkwork and style is really just so cutesy and nice it makes you smile. Your backgrounds also are really fully realized- Lains shop has to be my favorite bit. You added so much detail.

I'll be the first one to admit how hard it is to include so many characters and make it seem seamless and organic. you started off with a great hook with the dream, then transitioned seamlessly into her waking up and making her way outside (great movement and wrinkles on her putting her shirt on by the way). I think the problem is where you start introducing characters and interaction. You got this great build up with Tiff coming across Remy, then transition to a slew of fantastic coincidences and meet cutes. The interactions felt static and weird and the overall plot I found myself re-reading and wondering where it was leading and how we got there. I know you touched a bit on it in chat so I think you're not only aware, but seem fired up to take that crit and improve upon it.

KENT- I never get tired of your tongue in cheek humor and the small little jabs at your opponents- and your own characters expense. I found myself totally snickering over the WHORE offices especially and Tiff popping out of a crude oil barrel. I love LOVE that you had Mona and Remy be a dastardly duo working together. Mona has such a great hook for being bad it only makes sense (and I'm surprised more people didnt use it!).
Your strength for sure is your storytelling and you built up something really well here only to  leave me groaning that I never get to see how this all pans out. Talk about a great set up!

Flytee
Community Manager

353 comments

# 9 Posted: Dec 27 2019, 04:17 AM

people seem concerned about not showing their opponents characters enough- I think focusing on making their appearance satisfying and suitable to the story should come first.

FOOTINI
An engaging story with lots of twists and turns, and some funny moments. Your lovely art was let down by the presentation, be more careful when you take photos of your pages. They were occasionally out of focus and the side of the notebook was visible on one page.
69 readable, entertaining pages is a massive achievement, I could follow the story and recognize all the characters, However, the backgrounds could've done with some love. Presentation gripes aside this was a great comic.

MISTER KENT
I loved what was here and I want more! I think your inclusion of everyone's character felt the most organic. Its a real shame you could only tell the beginning, I’d be interested in reading the full thing one day.

BOBO-
It has to be said your art is ADORABLE, I really enjoyed seeing your interpretation of everyone's characters, everyone just looked so appealing. Also props to you for producing a fully finished, well presented comic. The quality here is top-notch imo.
Cy's comment summed up my feelings about pacing and things being coincidental, the story here was the weak link for me. But honestly, with such a big cast of characters, these storytelling shortcuts are quite hard to avoid. (I can't even begin to think of how I would approach this challenge!) So ehhh I wouldn't feel to bad. It was a fun read.

REECER
congrats on finishing- I like how you organised your comic by colour, also introducing the characters with quippy titles was a smart move. It helped with clarity and gave me some "Scott Pilgrim" vibes. Writing-wise there were a few amusing moments and lines and the story, at times, has a chaotic sense of fun to it.
I did struggle a tad to get through some pages, because there's a lot of dialogue, I think sometimes quality control is needed. Does a joke actually land? Does this line progress the story or someone's character? Questions like that are helpful- particularly in comics with a lot of characters and a strict deadline. Since there was so much stuff going on and being said, the story here wasn't the easiest to follow.

Nickpicky crit- For me, the way Iain spoke was waaaay over the top. The monologue on page 17, I honestly thought it was a build-up to a punchline- and Tiff would be like "what did you just say?"

Even though I had a couple of issues, you clearly put a ton of effort into this comic, so I take my hat off to you.

MRPR- I actually liked your choice to make your own character the heart of the story- I think it helped keep thins focused, I would love Remy to finally meet his match with someone, maybe that someone could be mona lisa?
It's a shame you didn't get to finish, it makes me hesitant to crit certain issues, in case they get resolved later on in the story. For example, I got the vibe you didn't know how to include certain characters, so they just felt jammed into the story...which causes the flow of things to get kinda awkward.

BUGGY- You’ve certainly taken Iain down an interesting path with this one- I’m intrigued to see what happens next. I actually think your art has improved a bit since you first few comics on here, particularly the expressions. Everything looks clean and well presented as usual.
I agree with the part crits some I wouldn’t harp on to much, but I will say it felt like you spent a lot of time on random conversations that didn’t add much to the story or characters. I’m mostly referring to the earlier pages here, it felt like they were just there for the sake of showing up.

GOLDEN - Your art is wonderful, every page was like eye candy and honestly at a professional standard. I enjoyed your interpretation of all the characters, it was a lot of fun.

people seem concerned about not showing their opponents characters enough- I think focusing on making their appearance satisfying and suitable to the story should come first.

FOOTINI
An engaging story with lots of twists and turns, and some funny moments. Your lovely art was let down by the presentation, be more careful when you take photos of your pages. They were occasionally out of focus and the side of the notebook was visible on one page. 
69 readable, entertaining pages is a massive achievement, I could follow the story and recognize all the characters, However, the backgrounds could've done with some love. Presentation gripes aside this was a great comic.

MISTER KENT
I loved what was here and I want more! I think your inclusion of everyone's character felt the most organic. Its a real shame you could only tell the beginning, I’d be interested in reading the full thing one day.

BOBO-
It has to be said your art is ADORABLE, I really enjoyed seeing your interpretation of everyone's characters, everyone just looked so appealing. Also props to you for producing a fully finished, well presented comic. The quality here is top-notch imo. 
Cy's comment summed up my feelings about pacing and things being coincidental, the story here was the weak link for me. But honestly, with such a big cast of characters, these storytelling shortcuts are quite hard to avoid. (I can't even begin to think of how I would approach this challenge!) So ehhh I wouldn't feel to bad. It was a fun read.

REECER
congrats on finishing- I like how you organised your comic by colour, also introducing the characters with quippy titles was a smart move. It helped with clarity and gave me some "Scott Pilgrim" vibes. Writing-wise there were a few amusing moments and lines and the story, at times, has a chaotic sense of fun to it.
I did struggle a tad to get through some pages, because there's a lot of dialogue, I think sometimes quality control is needed. Does a joke actually land? Does this line progress the story or someone's character? Questions like that are helpful- particularly in comics with a lot of characters and a strict deadline. Since there was so much stuff going on and being said, the story here wasn't the easiest to follow.

Nickpicky crit- For me, the way Iain spoke was waaaay over the top. The monologue on page 17, I honestly thought it was a build-up to a punchline- and Tiff would be like "what did you just say?"

Even though I had a couple of issues, you clearly put a ton of effort into this comic, so I take my hat off to you.

MRPR- I actually liked your choice to make your own character the heart of the story- I think it helped keep thins focused, I would love Remy to finally meet his match with someone, maybe that someone could be mona lisa?
It's a shame you didn't get to finish, it makes me hesitant to crit certain issues, in case they get resolved later on in the story. For example, I got the vibe you didn't know how to include certain characters, so they just felt jammed into the story...which causes the flow of things to get kinda awkward.

BUGGY- You’ve certainly taken Iain down an interesting path with this one- I’m intrigued to see what happens next. I actually think your art has improved a bit since you first few comics on here, particularly the expressions. Everything looks clean and well presented as usual.
I agree with the part crits some I wouldn’t harp on to much, but I will say it felt like you spent a lot of time on random conversations that didn’t add much to the story or characters. I’m mostly referring to the earlier pages here, it felt like they were just there for the sake of showing up.

GOLDEN - Your art is wonderful, every page was like eye candy and honestly at a professional standard. I enjoyed your interpretation of all the characters, it was a lot of fun.

CandycornRhino
Artist

118 comments

# 8 Posted: Dec 25 2019, 08:05 PM

WHEW! That's a lotta comics and TALENT! Good job everyone.

Bobo: Your comic is adorable aaah! I really like the various color pallets and the whole narrative of the comic. Was very simple and easy to follow, and everything made sense for what it was.

Mister Kent: Interesting take on including all the characters. Though the story was left too ambiguous, would've liked to see some sort of conflict result.

Footini: Okay first off HOLY FUCK 69 PAGES?!?!? You're a mad person. And I liked your take on including all the characters, like it was some kind of indie B-movie flick. Though with the pencil sketches, using photography instead of digital scaning, visually it was hard to follow at times, but understandable if you had to cram all that in the given time. Some pages did feel like "filler" pages with little to no flow/engagement to the story. It almost felt like storyboarding at times than reading a comic.

Reecer: I like the use of using a different color background for different rooms/scenes, really made sure it was a different location with the minimalist detail in the backgrounds. Some parts even made me laugh, like the spritzing part, lmfao. Though some story pieces did feel a little "random" and out of place.

Kozi:

Sorry you defaulted, I was excited to see more Remy. Hope you have better luck next time.

MRPR: Your style is pretty crazy, albeit kind of hard for me personally to follow, but that isn't a bad thing, I just suck at reading. Sorry you didn't get to finish your comic, and it was interesting to see both sides of Mona and Lisa. It made the happenings of her character with the others a lot of sense.

Buggy: Cute idea and VERY interesting plot. Back-stabbing murder mysteries are always cool. Though making a literal "Heavyweight" convention for the HW comic was kind of meta for me to take seriously. Probably a different "convention" would've sufficed for all the characters to include would've been more convincing. Some panels did feel a bit discjointed like in pg 8 and 9.

Golden: I just have to say your comic probably has the most interesting interpretation of all the characters instead of following the usual "void city" narrative. It was really refreshing, and it gave more meaning and purpose to all the characters included. Would've like to see all the sketched pages inked as well, but understandable if it was time constraint because VERY nice visuals. Though some parts a lot of text kind of broke the flow for me as I had to read it over and over to understand what was going on. Did follow a nice trend of down time and high time to have moments of importance swell.

I COULD NEVER IMAGING DOING ANYHTING LIKE THIS SO YOURE ALL AWESOMELY TALENT TO DO THIS AAAAAAAH. <3 <3

WHEW! That's a lotta comics and TALENT! Good job everyone.

Bobo: Your comic is adorable aaah! I really like the various color pallets and the whole narrative of the comic. Was very simple and easy to follow, and everything made sense for what it was.

Mister Kent: Interesting take on including all the characters. Though the story was left too ambiguous, would've liked to see some sort of conflict result.

Footini: Okay first off HOLY FUCK 69 PAGES?!?!? You're a mad person. And I liked your take on including all the characters, like it was some kind of indie B-movie flick. Though with the pencil sketches, using photography instead of digital scaning, visually it was hard to follow at times, but understandable if you had to cram all that in the given time. Some pages did feel like "filler" pages with little to no flow/engagement to the story. It almost felt like storyboarding at times than reading a comic.

Reecer: I like the use of using a different color background for different rooms/scenes, really made sure it was a different location with the minimalist detail in the backgrounds. Some parts even made me laugh, like the spritzing part, lmfao. Though some story pieces did feel a little "random" and out of place.

Kozi: :( Sorry you defaulted, I was excited to see more Remy. Hope you have better luck next time.

MRPR: Your style is pretty crazy, albeit kind of hard for me personally to follow, but that isn't a bad thing, I just suck at reading. Sorry you didn't get to finish your comic, and it was interesting to see both sides of Mona and Lisa. It made the happenings of her character with the others a lot of sense.

Buggy: Cute idea and VERY interesting plot. Back-stabbing murder mysteries are always cool. Though making a literal "Heavyweight" convention for the HW comic was kind of meta for me to take seriously. Probably a different "convention" would've sufficed for all the characters to include would've been more convincing. Some panels did feel a bit discjointed like in pg 8 and 9.

Golden: I just have to say your comic probably has the most interesting interpretation of all the characters instead of following the usual "void city" narrative. It was really refreshing, and it gave more meaning and purpose to all the characters included. Would've like to see all the sketched pages inked as well, but understandable if it was time constraint because VERY nice visuals. Though some parts a lot of text kind of broke the flow for me as I had to read it over and over to understand what was going on. Did follow a nice trend of down time and high time to have moments of importance swell.

I COULD NEVER IMAGING DOING ANYHTING LIKE THIS SO YOURE ALL AWESOMELY TALENT TO DO THIS AAAAAAAH. <3 <3

TheCydork
Artist

606 comments

# 7 Posted: Dec 23 2019, 06:31 PM

As always, good job everyone who submitted! Even the thought of tackling such a huge roster makes me anxious so frankly you all get kudos from me. This was a super interesting mix of characters and I enjoyed seeing the different directions everybody went with.

Bobo: Show

Mister Kent: Show

Footini: Show

Reecer: Show

Kozi: Show

MrPr: Show

Buggy: Show

Golden: Show

As always, good job everyone who submitted! Even the thought of tackling such a huge roster makes me anxious so frankly you all get kudos from me. This was a super interesting mix of characters and I enjoyed seeing the different directions everybody went with.

[spoiler=Bobo]This was weirdly cute for a battle royale haha. Tiffany meeting Aleyjah and getting her face smooshed was quite sweet. I really like your interpretation of Mona, with the more classically toony eyes, and how you illustrated Tiffany’s blood, especially at the end where it all swirls and rises up to attack Remy.

Colour-wise, I thought the blue-grey and purple-grey tones for outdoor night scenes fit very nicely, but the light yellow for Iain’s shop and the white background for the dream sequence didn’t work for me. I think the dream could have been more mystical and impactful with a darker background, and maybe Tiffany, Aleyjah and the spirits glowing. The other issue I had with the art was the sizes of characters. On page 17, panel 3 and the first panel on page 26 you can see a lot of weird sizing happening. Character heights fluctuate a lot, I noticed especially with Tiffany, she seems super tiny in some panels and then similarly sized to some of the 6 foot plus characters in others, and it really distracted me.

Story-wise... a lot of things felt really sudden or coincidental rather than a natural progression. Why is Remy murdering right outside someone’s window? Why do Sukri and Aleyjah suddenly teleport into Iain’s shop? Why does everyone decide to group together and fight a random man that another random person says they saw? The fight seemed contrived so that Tiffany could face Remy one-on-one, because no one really did anything besides standing still or leaving with other wounded characters. I also find it odd that despite a good chunk of scenes taking place in Iain’s shop, Iain himself has very little presence. After initially charging at Invyn and Jasper, he’s silent until the fight with Remy later on, and doesn’t fight back or even protest once they’ve grabbed him. And when Tiffany and Jasper charge at each other he straight up disappears from the shop entirely. 
[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Mister Kent]It was neat how you linked all the competitors with the pairing and being metas (I never even realised every character was a meta), into a single, connected crime for Jane to investigate. I also liked little moments such as noticing a speech bubble instead of hearing it, since Mona is a toon.

I feel I can’t say much more without the rest of the comic though, it’s a shame you couldn’t finish! I’m curious to see where the storyline would have gone, especially why pairs were needed.[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Footini]First of all the thumbnails fucking killed me, and I think the humour was the strongest aspect of your comic. There were lots of little moments that made me smile, like when Tiffany steps out and is immediately rained on, Invyn’s reaction to the Death tarot card, or Jane calling Iain “trainspotting”. I like that you tried an alternate reimagining as a kind of... mystery Western story, it was unique and not a route I expected. Major kudos for managing to plan out and thumbnail 69 pages as well, even scripting a cohesive story that long is amazing.

The fact that most of the pages are sketches, and that you took photos of them cost a lot of quality points from me though. The blurriness on many of the pages, tilted panels and visible rings took me out of it. I think the diner could have done with a better establishing shot as well, because even before it devolved into sketches I had little sense of where each character was or how the place was laid out. Visually the characters weren’t super distinct from each other either imo (except for Tiffany because of her height) and Mona didn’t read as a toon. Speaking of characters, many felt OOC and the reveal didn’t help. This felt like an alternative universe, not a flipped one. A lot of the pages also felt unnecessary and I think taking on almost 70 of them wasn’t a good idea. For instance the sex (?) scene with Mona-Lisa and Iain felt out of nowhere and added nothing to the story.[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Reecer]I love Jasper. I love his design and attitude, and the fact that he literally just wants to Do Crimes and that’s it.

Unfortunately, the events of the comic are very disconnected and that made it hard for me to enjoy much else. I genuinely have no idea what the story is supposed to be. Even though I know what’s physically happening, the context is very lacking and the characters could have been linked together better. I think you tried to do too many subplots at once and ended up losing track. Jaja’s “arc” was the only one that appeared to have a conclusion, while the others kind of fizzled out or had a conclusion that was hardly relevant to the setup. For instance, Iain starts off helping Remy find a book, follows him to Invyn’s castle still asking about said book... but then Remy runs off, he suddenly begs Tiffany to help him, and his conclusion is running away himself yelling that he’s a good person? Why was he so willing to help and then so willing to go against Remy? What happened with the book? What’s Remy’s conclusion? He just stands still and says nothing for two pages while Invyn monologues, and then gets punched in the face.

The setting changes were also very abrupt and only contributed further to my confusion. A card with the location (such as when you cut to Invyn’s castle) as well as character info, or using clearer panel composition to show where a character is (when Tiffany is outside Iain’s shop) would have helped a lot.[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Kozi]Ahhh what happened Kozi! I was so excited to see how these characters would factor into Remy’s story. Hope everything is okay irl :([/spoiler]

[spoiler=MrPr]Sorry you couldn’t finish! It was interesting to see a glimpse of Mona’s past, it seems like you’re trying to make her condition more believable and I appreciate that. I also want to know what the heck is going on with this ink possession.

Like with Mr Kent I feel I can’t comment too much, however, it feels weird that all these characters are in a top secret facility. It doesn’t make sense to me that a simple book theft would be investigated at this level for instance.[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Buggy]Your figures and expressions have improved so much! There were some nice hand gestures here that felt very natural and not stiff at all, and I really liked Iain’s tired, defeated look on the last page. I also like that you’re venturing into the realm of more extreme angles, especially overhead angles, and how you drew Remy’s hair. Honestly, the way you draw all kinds of hair is very nice and appealing to me.

I think anatomy-wise your arms need a bit of work though. They often look out of proportion or just odd, such as in panel 4 on pages 3 and 6, or the last panel on page 4. Sameface syndrome became suddenly apparent to me in this big ensemble comic as well. A lot of the characters have the exact same features, apart from Zhanic with his broken nose and other slight nose variations, or the inclusion of lips. Everyone also tends to have strong, sharp jawlines, even characters like Tiffany who are on the softer side.

Story-wise, I was confused about the curse and felt like most of your opponents didn’t get enough “screen time” as it were. Mona, Tiffany and JaJa all literally bump into Iain once and then never interact again. Mona is only present in 3 panels and doesn’t even get a speaking line. Going back to the curse, it’s kinda unclear what it’s actually about. Initially it seemed that people who hurt Iain even trivially were being hurt back in a far worse way, but Jane didn’t do anything bad to Iain, and later on Aleyjah says the deaths were punishment for Iain himself. Which is it? How and why did Remy alter his timeline too? I get the feeling this was supposed to be a big emotional moment or reveal for Iain but it didn’t land for me.[/spoiler]

[spoiler=Golden]Ahh I truly adore this comic! Between your gorgeous style and the hook of Sukri and Aleyjah waking up in their new forms, I was sucked into the story immediately. I love the way you write their relationship and give hints about their world in a way that made it clear to me, even though I haven’t read the archives (yet), but also didn’t feel like an info dump. You integrated all the characters into both the world and the story very well; I never felt like any character was sidelined or that they shouldn’t be there, and it was clever how you killed Jasper off so that the other characters wouldn’t have his character judgment handy, and so wouldn’t suspect Remy’s ulterior motives later on. I also enjoyed Iain and Sukri’s little bonding moment. The ending was so sweet, the expressions were amazing and honestly throughout I just love how tender Sukri and Aleyjah are with each other. I noticed a lot of little touches and looks between them, even when Aleyjah was mad at Sukri for putting his life in danger.

Art-wise, I think I made it clear I love your style haha. The desert scenes were also lovely to look at, and even though the environment seemed desolate, it wasn’t empty, if that makes sense? The composition was really good, I never felt like characters were crowded or awkward in panels where many were together at the same time. I liked the nod to the real Mona Lisa painting with Mona’s portrait, especially the way she folded her hands, and the monstrous depiction of Lisa immediately after (pages 11 and 12 were *chefs kiss*). Despite being incomplete I was still able to follow the story pretty well, but I still feel I missed out on things, particularly Lu’s fate, and that the ending didn’t hit as hard as a result. I really hope you eventually complete this and upload it as a B.B. though, because I’d love to read the whole story![/spoiler]

Reecer6
Artist

365 comments

# 6 Posted: Dec 23 2019, 03:07 PM

alright no full critiques from me, mostly just comments, because i dunno if you noticed but i just spent 6 weeks drawing a comic?

bobo:
congrats on being the only person with the time to add at least a little color to the characters! the art's very solid, i appreciate how even with your clear stylization, you're not afraid to add a bunch of detail to a design like with aleyjah's fur trim. unfortunately, it is in fact really really obvious you had to cut half the comic. everyone meets together and becomes friends so quickly and then launch into the remy final boss, and then he totally wrecks shop and then the next page everyone's already recovered?? It's A Bit Much. you've really only got the skeleton of the story, and very little of how it develops to this point. still, i applaud the ambition, and i'm eager to see tiffany and her powers be developed! also, page 9 of your comic, page 7 of my comic: "same hat"

kent:
aww man, kent, i really wanna see a full story out of you eventually. you had a really nice setup here, and i was really hoping to see how it panned out!! loved that dollhouse match cut, love how quickly and effortlessly you bring all these characters together into one massive plot, just want to SEE IT CONCLUUUUUDE ;_;

footini:
HOO BOY this was a DRIVEN ARTISTIC PURSUIT. shame that it ended up mostly sketches, but the plot itself was admirable! love me some covoluted noiry hidden identities stuff, all set in a very small and memorable environment. you actually put everyone in the same room and made it work, which i wrongly thought was kind of a futile endeavor. all the action sequences did lose me a bit but Remy's Final Boss Plummet was very satisfying! the diov twist kind of didn't really make sense to me, because none of these characters besides aleyjah and sukri felt particularly the exact opposite of how they usually are? they just generally felt more seedy than usual. i guess diov city doesn't need to be bizarro world, it can just be more-criminally-inclined world, but it still didn't really make anything click together in hindsight. finally because i'm 90% certain i'm the only person who noticed, i have to let you know i appreciated jasper's plate of forks, that was very good, that was a me gag.

pr-sama:
also disappointed you didn't have a finished storyline either u_u in a different way, because by the time you run out of pages, i don't really have an idea of how these characters are all connected, how they'd come together into one plot. i don't know if that makes me feel better or worse about the unfinishedness thinking emoji. that said, out of what's here, you've got some of the best composition choices i've seen from you! that match cut on page 3, and panel 6 on page 6, those are the stand out ones coming to mind, but there's definitely more.

buggy:
mmm gotta say this left me a little confused, after two read-throughs. because iain did his curse ages ago, he is 33% karmically punished by two randos he saw just falling dead? and aquiring telltale rune scars? and how does remy fit into that at all? how does remy have time travel magicks?? and outside of the curse thing, this comic is real placid: iain just kinda bumps into all the other royale characters individually and that's it. they hardly make much of an impact and we don't get to see any real dynamics. i'm being real harsh on the writing, so i should mention i do think the art's pretty solid across the board (even if making lisa about as detailed as a normal human woman is a strange choice), it just all feels real low energy and i wasn't super engaged, i'm sorry

goldie:
i mean OBVIOUSLY you art is INCREDIBLE and i think it's a little unfair. just about every finished panel looks lovely. your interpretations of everyone are great and still loyal to the core of their cahracters, and i especially have to mention how you executed mona-lisa, that was an EXCELLENT sequence and i loved her. it's a shame the inking wasn't totally finished, but i'd like to think of that as you giving the rest of us a chance. this felt really tightly written and got me super engaged too, so it isn't just the art! this is a wonderful comic in general and i'm glad my characters got to take part in it.

alright no full critiques from me, mostly just comments, because i dunno if you noticed but i just spent 6 weeks drawing a comic?

bobo:
congrats on being the only person with the time to add at least a little color to the characters! the art's very solid, i appreciate how even with your clear stylization, you're not afraid to add a bunch of detail to a design like with aleyjah's fur trim. unfortunately, it is in fact really really obvious you had to cut half the comic. everyone meets together and becomes friends so quickly and then launch into the remy final boss, and then he totally wrecks shop and then the next page everyone's already recovered?? It's A Bit Much. you've really only got the skeleton of the story, and very little of how it develops to this point.  still, i applaud the ambition, and i'm eager to see tiffany and her powers be developed! also, page 9 of your comic, page 7 of my comic: "same hat"

kent:
aww man, kent, i really wanna see a full story out of you eventually. you had a really nice setup here, and i was really hoping to see how it panned out!! loved that dollhouse match cut, love how quickly and effortlessly you bring all these characters together into one massive plot, just want to SEE IT CONCLUUUUUDE ;_;

footini:
HOO BOY this was a DRIVEN ARTISTIC PURSUIT. shame that it ended up mostly sketches, but the plot itself was admirable! love me some covoluted noiry hidden identities stuff, all set in a very small and memorable environment. you actually put everyone in the same room and made it [i]work[/i], which i wrongly thought was kind of a futile endeavor. all the action sequences did lose me a bit but Remy's Final Boss Plummet was very satisfying! the diov twist kind of didn't really make sense to me, because none of these characters besides aleyjah and sukri felt [i]particularly[/i] the exact opposite of how they usually are? they just generally felt more seedy than usual. i guess diov city doesn't need to be bizarro world, it can just be more-criminally-inclined world, but it still didn't really make anything click together in hindsight. finally because i'm 90% certain i'm the only person who noticed, i have to let you know i appreciated jasper's plate of forks, that was very good, that was a me gag.

pr-sama:
also disappointed you didn't have a finished storyline either u_u in a different way, because by the time you run out of pages, i don't really have an idea of how these characters are all connected, how they'd come together into one plot. i don't know if that makes me feel better or worse about the unfinishedness thinking emoji. that said, out of what's here, you've got some of the best composition choices i've seen from you! that match cut on page 3, and panel 6 on page 6, those are the stand out ones coming to mind, but there's definitely more.

buggy:
mmm gotta say this left me a little confused, after two read-throughs. because iain did his curse ages ago, he is 33% karmically punished by two randos he saw just falling dead? and aquiring telltale rune scars? and how does remy fit into that at all? how does remy have time travel magicks?? and outside of the curse thing, this comic is real placid: iain just kinda bumps into all the other royale characters individually and that's it. they hardly make much of an impact and we don't get to see any real dynamics. i'm being real harsh on the writing, so i should mention i do think the art's pretty solid across the board (even if making lisa about as detailed as a normal human woman is a strange choice), it just all feels real low energy and i wasn't super engaged, i'm sorry :(

goldie:
i mean OBVIOUSLY you art is INCREDIBLE and i think it's a little unfair. just about every finished panel looks lovely. your interpretations of everyone are great and still loyal to the core of their cahracters, and i especially have to mention how you executed mona-lisa, that was an EXCELLENT sequence and i loved her. it's a shame the inking wasn't totally finished, but i'd like to think of that as you giving the rest of us a chance. this felt really tightly written and got me super engaged too, so it isn't just the art! this is a wonderful comic in general and i'm glad my characters got to take part in it.

Goldie
Artist

101 comments

# 5 Posted: Dec 23 2019, 09:13 AM

Gonna throw my hat in the ring and say sorry if some characters weren’t in it as much as others. I had plans, I had cuts, but I adored fitting all of my opponents’ characters into the world of Khasha’an! My health and work got in the way, and I know I put ‘no critiques’ on my slot but feel free to anyways tbh. I know where I feel short and where I ran out of time, but hearing ways to make what I do have better is always appreciated.
Thank you to all my awesome opponents for this challenge!

Rose
Web Dev

1180 comments

# 4 Posted: Dec 23 2019, 01:06 AM

I wanted to add that I'd love critiques, especially on my writing and use of color. A lot of the problems are probably going to end up being stuff I just need to practice or needed more time on, but I welcome any and all advice on things I did well and thing I can improve!

Rose
Web Dev

1180 comments

# 3 Posted: Dec 22 2019, 10:34 PM

I'll piggyback off of Reecer's comment and just say that if anyone felt like I didn't do their character justice, come at me. I'd love to do a one-on-one against any of these artists/characters! I had enough ideas/script for about twice as many pages as I ended up with, so I apologize for any wonky pacing or lack of sufficient representation. That said, I hope people enjoy the comic!

Reecer6
Artist

365 comments

# 2 Posted: Dec 22 2019, 07:43 PM

still find it intensely funny that it is a couple hours from the deadline and literally the only one in the comments here trying to hype this battle up is jay, someone who isn't even in the royale

some quick and early artist commentary because i wanted to say that while it was still true: i tried to give every character their own, well, not quite a character arc but at least a clear character storyline of some sort with a motivation and a conclusion, but i think i really dropped the ball on one character, jane. i feel really bad about that because i don't think i did her particularly well the last time i fought her either, so i've just been out here doing a character dirty who does not at all deserve it. sorry kent, i love fighting you, forgive me ;_;

JCee
Artist

425 comments

# 1 Posted: Nov 9 2019, 02:47 PM

SO HYPED!!
Good luck to everyone!