Now that we are in Void. What’s next? / Kamari Heart

Now that we are in Void. What’s next? — Kamari Heart

This comic has been rated suitable for teens and up by its creator(s)

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Crit level: Open to any comments or critiques
Hope you guys enjoyed this short! Soon to be more

Critiques & Comments
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# 4   Posted: Sep 24 2022, 11:36 AM
The art is very nice, and I like the dynamic that Kamari has with her brother. I'm not sure what Wynne's purpose in the comic is, to be honest, and with it not being explained, it makes the story a little confusing. Your comics continue getting better tho, nice work!

Pizza Man
# 3   Posted: Sep 23 2022, 08:30 PM
Oh boy this is my first constructive comment in months! Gotta clean off that rust somehow though. I will be breaking my crit down panel by panel so buckle up I'm about to get really technical in here!

Spoiler: ShowHide
It's nice to watch how you're improving while here in void. I'm gonna do a rundown of mostly the second page as the only issue I really have with the first page is that the perspective of the portal is a bit skewed and that's just something that takes practice to hone and I'm sure you'll get there. Interesting cameo of Wynne I don't fully get the significance of it but it was cool to see.

Panel 1: I've noticed your poses are more organic and your panels have more variety. There are still quite a few flat looking panels so I recommend going away from the perspective where it looks like someone is staring at them head on (the first and last panel mainly). This perspective is fine for comedic moments but for panels that focus on conversation it's better to have the focus of the conversation, in this case, Archer's hair, to be the main subject of the panel. An example of this would be to have Archer be the bigger of the two with Kamari pointing at his hair in the background or not having Kamari in the shot at all and just a bust shot of Archer looking up at his hair as Kamari comments on it. It'll save on time drawing and give you more space on your pages. Overall it’s a good first panel though it really does just shove you right into the story without context. One panel before showing them exiting the portal into the city would be all the context readers need to continue the page.

Panel 2: While I like the pose and expression on the second panel it needs slight adjustment to keep the flow of the comic. Kamari is bending over slightly and she is already shorter than Archer so she should be looking up more in this panel. This will also give her expression a more curious and naïve look to better suit her characterization. On the writing side the line Kamari says is fine but a set of ellipses at the beginning might help the line stick out more as it would give some acknowledged space between the light banter and returning to important matters but at the end of the day it boils down to writing preference and the line is fine as it is. (I swear I'm not always like this I can be fun at parties)

Panel 3: As a more comedic panel this checks out and it conveys the humor of Archer's lack of planning in the moment perfectly. For this panel I'll just recommend a few touches that could help further the panel's message. The background color sets a decent mood but as seen in later panels on this page a bit of filter goes a long way. just some dark edges on the side would probably be enough to convey the shock back into reality Archer's feeling. Another fun touch that could be implemented is having Archer's hair still be floating when he is in shock then have it completely drop when he turns away, calling back to the hair issue while also resolving it in an equally comedic way.

Panel 4: Everything is pretty much right with this panel. It perfectly tells me that Archer has a history with Kamari sneaking off on her own and probably getting into trouble while she's at it. Excellent exposition all packed into one panel. Just make sure you don't forget your punctuation and play with the speech bubbles a little more. When characters say something in a commanding and intimidating tone the speech bubble can be a little more wavy and loose to imply their voice is less casual and more aggressive. Another example is having all the words in his command be in separate bubbles that are all connected by tails to drive his point further and make it feel more final but I don't feel like that example would work for this panel specifically. (are we having fun yet?)

Panel 5: While the message gets across fine it comes immediately after the end of the past conversation so having a panel without dialogue is usually ideal before jumping into the start of the next conversation. For this panel I'd have Archer holding the phone hold no dialogue as his expression is enough to convey what is happening next. I'm assuming Archer is having a conversation with the man in the second half of the panel so he should be holding a phone as well. On top of that, even if you don't intend on keeping this new person a secret having them slightly obscured during the phone call will add to their shady depiction. He doesn't have to be completely hidden just enough to make the point that this is a person that resides in Archer's darker circle of acquaintances and in turn, exists in a more dubious world that Kamari is likely hidden from.

Panel 6: Large establishing panels are okay but they should be reserved for when a smaller panel can't portray the focus of the panel properly. In this case, I cannot really discern the focus of the panel. While I can deduce that the focus was likely on the building labeled  "Black Rose" it has the same size and importance as other sign and buildings in the panel and as a result blends into the rest of the scenery and the flow of the comic is halted slightly in order for the reader to make this distinction. All you really need is panel of the Black Rose sign with enough space to show the nature of the building (are they living over a bar, store, strip club?). This would take up less space and give more room for the next two panels that feel a bit squished under this massive establishing panel.

Panels 7: This panel is a little too long since you really only need to show the hands exchanging the keys. If the keys are being thrown then it's better to just have a panel of Archer catching them. The position of the hands should also be swapped as the next panel shows the new person rather than Archer and the previous panel shows the building in such a way that Archer would be entering it from the left. While this may not be true (perhaps the entrance to the apartment is from the right), it's what the visuals of the comic have promised so far. From the previous panel, the reader expects Archer to be on the left in the next panel if he is present. When this expectation is challenged in the flow of the comic has to stop so the reader can register what the panels are trying to say. (continued on panel 8 )

Panel 8: Then it happens again when the next panel shows the new guy instead of Archer as his arm is on the other side of the previous panel they feel like separate people for just a moment. (Google 180 rule I suck at explaining this sorry ;u;) This is just my preference again but casting this new guy in a more sinister shadow and a more obscuring angle might work better if you’re going for the one shady dude look.

Panel 9: Woo home stretch! There’s a lot going on in this panel. So much I’d recommend splitting it up into two or three panels on it’s own. It’s clear enough from the panel that Archer is not happy with his current state but is willing to go through it for the sake of Kamari’s happiness. The issue is that the dialogue frames the scene in such a way that it looks like Archer is saying that he doesn’t have a problem with killing and that’s all we get. If the dialogue is moved around just a bit Archer can come off as more sympathetic and relatable. Using the two panel example we start with Archer looking concerned and thinking to himself that he’ll likely have to kill others in order to keep this new life. Then the next panel shows Kamari hugging Archer and calling him the best with Archer musing to himself that it shouldn’t be too hard to do that. This better conveys Archer’s motivations and creates a better justification to his attitude towards killing.

Miscellaneous: The texture you used for panel 4 is fine but you use it twice more in panels 5 and 8 to depict something tonally different so it would benefit the comic to have either this panel or the other two have a different texture so they're not accidentally connected inappropriately. The font you are using is okay but I’m certain you can find a different one that would better suit your work. Give your text more room in your speech bubbles as having them just barely fit can be uncomfortable for the reader. Double and triple read your comic so you can avoid missing punctuation and grammar mistakes.

Wow okay so maybe I got a little carried away there... There’s a lot I wanted to touch on but didn’t really have the knowledge to explain it properly so I’m recommending that you re-read a successful comic book series you like and look at how many times the panels change angles, what kind of screen tones and filters they’re using, the position and flow of the speech bubbles and how well the page conveys the story that’s being told. I can only say so much where a true master a comic making can just show you. I’m looking forward to the comics you’ll make in the future. You have a ton of potential and I have high hopes for your future works.

# 2   Posted: Sep 18 2022, 03:28 AM
This was cute, I can tell you had fun with it. Can't wait for more!

# 1   Posted: Sep 17 2022, 02:07 PM
The quality of your comics keeps improving each time. I know this is a continuation ofKamari's intro story, but i would have loved to see more pages for it.
Hope to see more of her and her brothers story unfold soon!

Comic Details -

Ended: Sep 24th, 2022
Votes Cast: 13
Page Views: 173

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