Shaw vs. Sidae

Critiques & Comments

Please register or log in to comment

Pita (Slowly getting back into it)
Approval Committee

284 comments

# 10 Posted: Mar 11 2022, 07:25 PM

CAB
This is the third time I've mentioned this significant change to your process, and I'm the third person telling you on this comic alone--please, have a second pair of eyes to proofread your scripts so the dialog flows better. Your drawings outshine what you've written, and what you've written reads like a rough draft.

I know this sounds mean, and I don't intend it to be. It's clear you have a drive to tell stories, and this is a good space to play in. However, if these comics continue to read like this with repetitive words and unedited, run-on sentences, it's not going to be a fun experience for your readers.

FLUFF
I like Angry Sidae. No one fucks with his friends inconsequentially. I totally get feeling burnout, rest well.

snager
Artist

411 comments

# 9 Posted: Mar 11 2022, 02:05 PM

that was pretty interesting, cab . what was that statistic you gathered for me? almost 100% of births/pregnancies in void are spider births? stop by Charlotte's Opus baby story for your new little bundle of joys today!
really chonky art as usual, cab. the city draws look very detailed and lived in. dallas just doesn't have this variety and depth. makes me want to visit other cities (is void can has real?)

Fluff, I'm glad you got to take this battle, as well as your speed dates. that's a lot of work! keep it up. man, there is just. so many spiders. in this world.

Rikun
Artist

148 comments

# 8 Posted: Mar 10 2022, 11:18 PM

I don't know if there's anything significant I can add that hasn't been said already., but it was still great to see how this is all developing.

CAB:
Like everyone said your worldbuilding and slow burn storytelling is your strong point and I absolutely respect the amount of work you can pump out. I'm really interested to see how all of these comics connect, and I'm sure it'll all pay off.

Fluff:
Burnout's a bitch, and I hope you take care!

Batty
Global Moderator

239 comments

# 7 Posted: Mar 10 2022, 07:53 PM

Cab: As always, the core of your story I think is really compelling, and like Jade said, it's always fun to see a consistent narrative being done across battles. However, like Jade said, I feel like you really would benefit from editing--not just with literal text editing, but also just editing down the story to be more concise. There's quite a few moments that honestly could have been cut out because they don't really add much to the story overall--for example, I honestly think a lot of page 7 could have been cut out. The previous pages already convey a lot of what we get told by Sidae's thoughts--we don't need to be told directly that Lacy is suffering, we can see that pretty clearly for ourselves. Also, yeah, I try not to comment too often on grammar mistakes cuz I know I can be nitpicky on them, but in really text-heavy entries like this, it becomes vital to have clear, error-free dialogue. I know I personally have offered to help spellcheck your dialogue a few times in the past, and that offer still remains!
All that out of the way, again, I just want to reiterate that I do very much enjoy the core of your story. I see so much potential there, that just needs to be cleaned up a bit to really let it shine. Also the fight scene between Shaw, Sidae, and Colbitzer was v good hehe.
though I'm not entirely sure how to feel now knowing the stuff with Colbitzer was done without consulting his creator ^^; like there's a difference between giving a character a cameo, and setting them on fire to within an inch of their lives <XD at least you set it up for there to be an in-universe (for your comics) way for him to come back with no consequences, but. idk!

Fluffs: Man I'm sorry burnout got to you so bad. For what it's worth, the first couple of pages were looking really good! Hope you get your energy back next time, and if you get the chance I'd love to see a finished version of this. :3

Rose
Web Dev

1173 comments

# 6 Posted: Mar 9 2022, 08:44 AM

Cab: Show

First of all, I'm a sucker for artists creating their own long-term story plots like this. I really like the concept of a part of the city that's forgotten by the rest of it, including law enforcement and political leaders. Seeing Ancelin's face on screens and giant banners around town while the suicide slums are suffering hurts, but it's an engaging hook to see that contrast. Also I'm a sucker for cameos so thanks for that 😄

The biggest thing that stood out to me with this comic that I think would be relatively easy to fix is the number of typos and misspellings. I think it would behoove you to get a proofreader, because they're distracting but would only take a second or two to go back and fix. It might also help to edit down your stories a bit so you're not working at breakneck speeds and missing little details like that. I think you could cut out a few pages without losing out on the epic nature of your long-form comics, you'll just have to be smart about where you cut things. Another thing I noticed was that there seemed to be a lot of expository dialogue, and I found myself reading that more than looking at your art. Maybe that's a me problem, but it might be worth considering ways to cut out some dialogue and focus on visuals for things like fight scenes where you want the actions to speak louder than words.

Something I really love about all of your comics is your effort to build out a full cast, using both your own characters/NPCs and featuring cameos from other artists. I would recommend consulting with some of those artists more just because I know some artists dislike having their characters used without their input, but I honestly am a fan of people telling whatever stories they want to tell and adapting other artists' characters as needed. Just might be worth considering if you haven't already been working with those artists. Regardless, the plot you have going is fun, I love how you've shown Shaw's flawed dedication to his "territory" even if it means ignoring the needs of people outside of it. It's cool to have a character who's sort of a conditional good guy. And all the violence is right up my alley! Really thinking about how I could get involved with this fashion police stuff someday 👀

Fluff: Show

[spoiler=Cab]First of all, I'm a sucker for artists creating their own long-term story plots like this. I really like the concept of a part of the city that's forgotten by the rest of it, including law enforcement and political leaders. Seeing Ancelin's face on screens and giant banners around town while the suicide slums are suffering hurts, but it's an engaging hook to see that contrast. Also I'm a sucker for cameos so thanks for that 😄

The biggest thing that stood out to me with this comic that I think would be relatively easy to fix is the number of typos and misspellings. I think it would behoove you to get a proofreader, because they're distracting but would only take a second or two to go back and fix. It might also help to edit down your stories a bit so you're not working at breakneck speeds and missing little details like that. I think you could cut out a few pages without losing out on the epic nature of your long-form comics, you'll just have to be smart about where you cut things. Another thing I noticed was that there seemed to be a lot of expository dialogue, and I found myself reading that more than looking at your art. Maybe that's a me problem, but it might be worth considering ways to cut out some dialogue and focus on visuals for things like fight scenes where you want the actions to speak louder than words.

Something I really love about all of your comics is your effort to build out a full cast, using both your own characters/NPCs and featuring cameos from other artists. I would recommend consulting with some of those artists more just because I know some artists dislike having their characters used without their input, but I honestly am a fan of people telling whatever stories they want to tell and adapting other artists' characters as needed. Just might be worth considering if you haven't already been working with those artists. Regardless, the plot you have going is fun, I love how you've shown Shaw's flawed dedication to his "territory" even if it means ignoring the needs of people outside of it. It's cool to have a character who's sort of a conditional good guy. And all the violence is right up my alley! Really thinking about how I could get involved with this fashion police stuff someday 👀[/spoiler]
[spoiler=Fluff]Burnout is real, and I'm sorry you weren't able to finish this. Always a huge fan of your work 🥺 Get some rest and recharge, and I look forward to what you make when you're back in fighting order![/spoiler]

RamenBean18
Artist

83 comments

# 5 Posted: Mar 3 2022, 05:09 PM

I spot SILKY!!!!!!!!! Guys these two comics are awesome!! Great work you two!!! 🥰

Kilcra
Artist

72 comments

# 4 Posted: Mar 3 2022, 01:15 PM

Oh hell yeah, that was awesome. I feel like the writing was exceptionally clear and engaging in this one Cab, great job! Lovin all the fight scenes too!

Also like the description of blind underwear guy for Cowbell, thanks for the mention xD

InvaderDiz
Artist

87 comments

# 3 Posted: Mar 3 2022, 12:02 PM

Hey I know that spider!

Fluffsamasprime
Artist

544 comments

# 2 Posted: Mar 3 2022, 02:24 AM

Holy shit Cab! You went hard!
Sorry I couldnt do more. You really did the story justice! I love it!
I'll find some energy to clap back proper.

Cab
Artist

152 comments

# 1 Posted: Mar 3 2022, 12:01 AM

fast facts ---- The average time it takes to cremate a body is from one to three hours, although it can take over five hours. An average body of 150 pounds in a cardboard container averages about two hours.