Pizzeria Problems? - A Prelude / Darren J. Cardinalis

Pizzeria Problems? - A Prelude / Darren J. Cardinalis

Pizzeria Problems? - A Prelude — Darren J. Cardinalis

This comic has been rated suitable for all ages by its creator(s)

Icon for Darren J. Cardinalis
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Crit level: Open to any comments or critiques
This is just a small part of my next battle which can place Darren in locations outside of the University campus. I've been wanting to do some more off campus adventures. Also had a bit of help from Cab, Petichor and Flytee.
tags: darren j. cardinalis, Dirty Pop, gutsmasher, Nsync, petrichor, Pizzera, platinumartist, sliceoflife




Critiques & Comments
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Fred v2.0.1
Artist
526 comments
# 11   Posted: Apr 18 2021, 05:38 AM
here's the one thing that bothers us: "pizzeria problem" (singular) woulda been a funnier title

Camel
Artist
131 comments
# 10   Posted: Apr 17 2021, 11:16 PM
Your quality and linework are definitely improving. Plenty of good critique has been given, so I'll say for your next comic, a super easy way to improve the readability and quality is to scale the text and text bubbles down, they definitely don't have to be that big. Keep at it!

Jade★
Council
1059 comments
# 9   Posted: Apr 17 2021, 11:06 PM
I love the Dirty Pop reference! I'm digging the colors, and think you're definitely improving in quality overall. My only gripe is that this comic feels like its job is more as setup to other comics than trying to tell a story on its own. It's okay to create a comic that's a prelude to other stories, but it needs to have something that makes it interesting on its own. I know you can only do so much in two pages, and I think I've fallen into similar traps before. We just need either a good gag to make us laugh or an emotional hook to make us want more. This feels very utilitarian, and based on your comic description, it feels like you're just trying to establish something in canon that will allow you to tell more interesting stories, but you could have just as easily put this canon information IN one of those more interesting stories. In the end, I think whatever you do next is going to ultimately determine how helpful this comic was, but I think in the future just focus on giving each comic some sort of emotional core that will make it interesting without anything else before or after it. Continuity can enhance things, but each step along the way should add its own spice to the mix.

All that said, I'm always happy for more Darren comics and am looking forward to your next one!

ArtsandGoodies
Community Manager
553 comments
# 8   Posted: Apr 17 2021, 09:10 PM
Good job with this, as you're getting more into color i would recmoned practicing shading but also try using a very limited color pallet so you are forced it adjust your colors and end up making more impact with your colors when they are all so tightly connected, it will help a lot with your coloring abilities.

Rikun
Artist
124 comments
# 7   Posted: Apr 17 2021, 03:45 PM
I'm glad to see that your linework is getting steadier and that your colors are improving! My biggest piece of advice for you going forward is to start working on solid drawing (ie using 3d shapes as a base before you draw detail) and perspective since a good chunk of the pizzeria scenes focus too much on the floor. Keep up your work ethic and your next comics will keep getting better!

Flytee
Artist
237 comments
# 6   Posted: Apr 17 2021, 12:15 PM
A nice set up comic! :)
There are some fun details, I love the Gutsmasher special on the blackboard, the Brazilian Flag on the wall, the bell ringing as people entered the pizzeria- these are all nice additions that add character.
Also, props to you for going full colour, nice job!

crit time!
Spoiler: show
- The 3 characters conversing are never shown in a panel together, I had no clue who was talking to who or where they were standing in relation to one another. Which made for a really stunted, clunky reading experience. You should establish a scene the same way you'd establish a setting with an exterior shot.
- Look up references for interiors, to help with perspective and the placement of the furniture in a space.
- Parts of your comic weren't instantly clear to me, here are two examples.

> On first reading I didn't notice the Stage on page 1- simply centring the camera on it and not partly obscuring it with a speech bubble would have drawn my eye to it more. Which visually would've tied in nicely with the following conversation.
> On first reading I thought the phone screen showing Darren singing was a poster- this could have been avoided by simply showing his friend pulling his phone out of his pocket on the previous panel.
TL;DR Even if other readers don't share my experiences, I still think you should remember each panel should be used to communicate something to the reader. This could be furthering the story, building atmosphere or showing insights into a character, I felt like there were a couple of missed opportunities here.

Rivana
Artist
294 comments
# 5   Posted: Apr 16 2021, 08:21 AM
Ooh more pizzadventures. Seems Rensga is popular lately.

Since this is a prelude, I really dont have much in terms of writing crits. I think this is a good setup for Darren to meet more people and see how his story develops from there.  Art-wise, I love that you did the extra  mile of adding color. Perspective in the first panel looks good. Just keep on going studying the fundamentals like anatomy, light and shadows, etc. Keep up the good work!

TheCydork
Artist
491 comments
# 4   Posted: Apr 12 2021, 02:43 AM
Sweeeet, I think this is the first colour comic I’ve seen from you! Good angle on the pizzeria in that first panel, I like the Brazil flag deco in the interior too, it’s a nice touch. The rest of the interior was somewhat confusing though; I have no idea where Rensga is in relation to the two customers. They’re never in the same panel together, and I never see hints of his desk or the flag when the focus is on them. Speaking of characters though, your anatomy has already improved a tonne since your intro, I really dig how Darren looks in the clip shown on the phone. Good job!

I also have a writing crit: I think you’re approaching things with Darren in a limiting way. It’s cool that you’ve introduced a side gig for him, but that wasn’t necessary to tell stories outside of university or off campus. Even if he lives in student accommodation, not everything he does is gonna be uni-related. What does he do on his days off? Weekends? Hell, even simply during lunch breaks, he might leave campus. There’s bound to be opportunities to bump into people during those times. If you really want to cement his student identity, student clubs often have outings, which would still place him off campus. It could also give an easy reason for him to meet an opponent during a battle, and show more of his interests.

Fluffsamasprime
Artist
197 comments
# 3   Posted: Apr 10 2021, 09:11 PM
I think they need a bird!
A BIRD TO SING!

Cab
Artist
105 comments
# 2   Posted: Apr 10 2021, 07:09 PM
yay, Pizza time !!

Petrichor
Artist
54 comments
# 1   Posted: Apr 10 2021, 07:07 PM
Woo can't wait to see what's coming next! *eyes emoji*
And thanks for using the pizza place, i really dig the way you drew the interior :D

Comic Details -

 
Drawing Time: 1 week
Ended: Apr 17th, 2021
Votes Cast: 16
Page Views: 443
 

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