War for Rayuba R1: Lata vs. Vessel / Don

War for Rayuba R1: Lata vs. Vessel / Don

War for Rayuba R1: Lata vs. Vessel — Don

by Don

This comic has been rated suitable for teens and up by its creator(s)

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Page 1Page 2Page 3Page 4Page 5Page 6Page 7Page 8Page 9Page 10Page 11Page 12Page 13Page 14Page 15Page 16Page 17Page 18

Crit level: Open to any comments or critiques
tags: this is for an oct




Critiques & Comments
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TheCydork
Artist
480 comments
# 12   Posted: Mar 15 2021, 12:29 AM
Apologies for the late comment! Lovechild got me fucked up agdsjdg.

Spoiler: Chonky visual crit time • show

First of all I'm floored you can produce this quantity, fully coloured in 5 days! You have the great ability to imply a lot with very few lines, particularly with backgrounds, which gives you a huge leg-up in terms of speed. However, there are definitely times when you go too minimalist, and the scene isn't as clear or impactful as it could have been as a result. For example on page 3, panels 3 and 4, Vessel is basically on a backdrop of 4 jagged bands of colour. Each one is not defined enough to register as a layer of foliage. Either the outlines should be clearer, or the texture of leaves could be implied with scattered strokes/lines throughout the shape. The background in panel 5 appears more like a flat painting due to the single tone sky and similarly undefined foliage and tents. Establishing shots usually have higher detail, so something so simplified feels out of place and also doesn't give much information about the space, which is the purpose of such a shot. I'm guessing it's either a village or a military camp due to the tents, but I really need more detail or distinguishing features to be able to tell. Page 7, same thing, the inside of the lighthouse is like an abstract collection of shapes, I can't make out any of the objects within it or its structure, so the subsequent fight is hard to follow. This is an issue I find throughout the comic - simplified bgs making the sense of space or the positions of characters unclear. This also, I think, makes scenes less memorable, because if they're too confusing to grasp visually, it's even harder to retain them mentally. Despite reading this more times than most comics on Void, because I wanted to give a good and thorough crit of the visuals, I found it difficult to remember any scenes from it. I remembered the beginning simply because I found the baby smooshing cute (don't look at me, I'm just gonna pretend she wasn't being drowned sH).

I think your process of making comics might be contributing to your dissatisfaction with the final product as well. I'm not sure if you work like this on all your comics or just Election Royale, so correct me if I'm wrong, but from what I saw during ER times, you don't really thumb or sketch, going to the final lines straight away. You don't use construction lines either and rely more on silhouette. For the most part this works - you have a great grip on anatomy and I think you're in a comfortable place with stylising that anatomy as well. But there are still things that can be improved, some slight proportional errors I pick up here and there. Something you tend towards is heads that look too small, for example. In a sketch, even very clean ones will have a few extra lines surrounding the drawing, or bumps in the lines. Your brain will find the route that looks the most correct between those lines, and draw it out for you in your mind's eye. But with inks, there's nowhere to hide. Little flaws become more apparent, which is why most of us prefer sketches to the final work unless we've got our fundamentals absolutely down. I've noticed a pattern with myself in that I'll go through periods of life drawings, and my regular sketches will improve in terms of anatomy, proportions etc for a short time as it's fresh in my memory. I start to slip, maybe not draw all my construction lines, and it works for a while before it becomes apparent I need to refresh again. Each time I retain a little more permanently in my work, and from what I've seen, I think this is the case with a lot of artists too. So I think you too could benefit from going back to sketching/constructing first, and drawing from life, or even sketching over photographs to hone your proportions again.

Colours I don't have much to say on. Your colours are lovely and vibrant, I especially like the red on page 3 that indicated the switch to Vessel's POV, and the muted purples for the inside of the lighthouse. You use a really interesting combo on page 7, with that same muted purple, but then teal and a bright orange, which is super appealing. There are a few spots where the colours seemed out of place, like the switch back to light blue and green on page 3 immediately after the red, but those colours are still pleasant to look at so it's not much of an issue for me.

Finally, just wanted to say that your effects like motion lines, sound effects, and "special" hand drawn speech bubbles (e.g. WRETCH), are all excellent and feel professional. It's really hard to explain, but there's a... precision and intuition to them that I think is found in your character and background work as well when you're able to give your all. So, keep that in mind I guess, try to balance between simplicity and precision. Hope all this helped!

Fluffsamasprime
Artist
188 comments
# 11   Posted: Mar 3 2021, 11:50 PM
5 DAYS!! Thats insane!

Don
Global Moderator
169 comments
# 10   Posted: Mar 3 2021, 10:35 PM
Hey y'all! Thanks so much for reading, and BIG props to VIRAMEM and Pizzaman for the critiques! I totally appreciate it!! Very thankful for the support [pray hands emojis x3] I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY SPECIFICALLY BESIDES LOVE YALL V MUCH

also RE: How long the OCT is: The battles are 2 weeks each! This comic was done in specifically 5 days, don't be like me, WORK HARD BUT TAKE BREAKS EVEN HARDER

Rivana
Artist
287 comments
# 9   Posted: Mar 3 2021, 08:38 PM
Finally got around to reading this. All I can say is wow!
 
Mesmerizing, dynamic, gorgeous! Another amazing comic from you Don!

Cab
Artist
103 comments
# 8   Posted: Mar 3 2021, 07:01 PM
While I am not following this OCT, I just wanted to stop by and gave you praise for making another amazing looking comic, you're always one of the best artists on the site in my humble opinion.

ArtsandGoodies
Community Manager
546 comments
# 7   Posted: Mar 2 2021, 11:03 PM
fantastic comic, I always love how much you're able to produce under these short deadline comics (the oct is 2 week battles iirc right?) it's very inspiring.
also your color choices are great in this. I don't really have much else to say but this was a good comic.

VIRAMEM
3 comments
# 6   Posted: Mar 2 2021, 06:40 AM
Don, while this comic showcases lots of great staples of your storytelling and art style, the thing I really want to applaud is how completely bananas the stairwell pages are. (6 and 8 specifically)

Your composition choices are extremely solid across the board and in particular I am floored by how well the decision to have the stairs flow in angles serves the pacing for this scene. Taking advantage of the smallest pauses from readers visually registering the turns and corners in the stair well is very crafty! That, and the more obvious inclusion of more dialogue and it’s balloon arrangement, really helps this entire exchange feed a sense of tension that keeps growing as Lata and Vessel ascend into the dark.

On the other hand though you switch it up by returning to a proper spiral on page 8, just after the tension built up previously boils over and explodes out with Vessel’s attack. The top down shot of the room showcases this spiral but it’s shape governs the ensuing panels and the eye races across them in the curve effortlessly. Just as it should during an action scene. It’s great stuff and a splendid example using all available resources to deliberately control the story’s pacing.

As for things that perhaps didn’t work as well as intended, I feel like the repeating ocean pattern in the freefall panel isn’t doing page 12 any favors. It hazards coming across as very artificial compared to the expressiveness present in the rest of your rendering. I realize this is likely just a decision to save time for more pressing sequences however. In fact  if it weren’t the backdrop of the centerpiece panel with the gutters of surrounding panels pointing the eye right at it, I doubt I would have noticed. (A cruel irony given how centerpieces in nearly all other contexts rest on tablecloths with repeating patterns)  

Anyway, good work and good luck in the tournament!

SnowyMoth
Artist
83 comments
# 5   Posted: Mar 2 2021, 01:58 AM
Your comics are always so lovely, the compositions were a joy, and the way the different possessions of Vessel were depicted so uniquely! I'm not sure what visual crit I could offer, though- I think the visuals were really well done, and worked with the style of lines you use.

Spirogs
Artist
17 comments
# 4   Posted: Feb 26 2021, 01:03 PM
Pretty slick in general.
Love how both characters were represented, and you did a great job of getting across to the readers who they are and what they’re capable of.
Very neat

Fred v2.0.1
Artist
522 comments
# 3   Posted: Feb 25 2021, 01:01 PM
Don you're way too good.
We are absolutely charmed by this, visually and characterly.

Pizza Man
Artist
31 comments
# 2   Posted: Feb 25 2021, 12:41 PM
I put a lot of time into writing this and sunken cost dictates I must post it. Sorry if some of the points are objectively wrong I had to stop double checking at some point :V

Spoiler: show
 Overall on my casual viewing I felt a little lost at points in the action but for the most part I got the gist of it. Some of the dialogue felt a little flat or unnecessary especially during heavy parts of a fight scene. They're exerting themselves at least give them some huffing and puffing. Really liked the character art though and the action poses.

The action/ fighting is something that's been itching at me on a lot of your comics. While things are usually on point on a spatial level there isn't enough conveyance to accurately depict the actions taking place. Some of the destruction of the lighthouse seems to just happen out of nowhere while I'm aware of what causes it usually it's still something that can be easily missed by the casual reader.

White text was an interesting choice for some of your sound effects. It always seems to stick out in a way I don't know if it's good or bad. I don't know how to describe it but your sound effects lack some impact possibly because in a lot of cases they're pretty thin. This is good for smaller sounds but for big booms and cracks I think you'd benefit from beefing some of those up a bit. One of the sound effects I noticed was on page 12 where it goes from white to red. I assume this was because of how the dragging along the wall caused Lata to bleed. It's a cool concept and one I feel you should expand upon in the future.

While this is also kind of a writing crit I think it will do well by your art too. There were several panels I felt that would've been fine with no dialogue. When your angles and framing are good enough on their own they'll command the reader's attention just fine.

There’s the short version lol but if you want more of my ramblings here are some more on the technical side.

Pages 1 an 2 has some of the best background art it's kind of interesting how different it looks from the rest of the work. Nitpick from me was Lata somehow holding onto the telescope while she was sleeping? (I swear the crit wont all be like this ;u;)

Page 3's exposition hit in a wonky way to me. I understand this has something to do with your opponent but I still feel spotty on the details. I kind of wonder if this page was even needed when things are explained much better in future pages.

On page 4 where the blood spatters right next to Lata, I originally thought that it hit the side of the lighthouse wall, which confused me when on the next page the lighthouse was so far away. I see now it's a tree but there wasn't much distinction between the two objects, nor enough time elapsed between the panel of her running from the tower and her ending her dialogue for me to believe otherwise. For her to be as far away as she was on the panel where the blood spattered, her train of thought would've had to conclude at a much later time that wasn't depicted in the few frames you provided. This is also kind of an issue with Vessel throughout the comic, starting here where they do an action and appear somewhere quicker than expected.  One last thing on page 5 Lata points back to the lighthouse but the panel at the bottom depicts them walking the other way.

Page 6. Blah Blah Blah very small nitpicks about lighthouse architecture only I know or care about XD

Page 7 So this is the start of the fight scene and how it begins is an interesting way to go about it for sure. You let attacks and impacts occur on separate pages throughout the fight and that can be good once but after it happens multiple times people usually just get lost. That being said I think it works out best on this page a little more build up to the attack would've been nice though.

Page 8 pretty cool move formatting your panels like a spiral staircase I thought that was a nice touch even if the composition for it is a bit off (the staircase panels flow to the left but we’re reading to the right). Most of the panels are fine though for Vessel I thought you could've put a small gust of air or something to show the power of their jump. The comment about the lighthouse being destroyed feels like it should've come before the scene moved along but it's not like it was super late or anything just stunted the flow for me a bit.

Page 9 and 10 It's really hard to keep a weapon like a mop consistent so I wont harp on that too much. I figured that Vessel would try to fight more reserved in order to try and keep the lighthouse in tact but at the same time I have no idea if they can even restrain their strength. I'm assuming not, as at this point their attacks have all been overly destructive in a way that implies they can't control their own strength. I feel that it's never properly expressed why each attack is so excessive in it's strength but then again if that is the case that's a pretty strong mop it's gotta be to keep that lighthouse clean. I really like the movement on page 10 supa nice.

I just have no idea what happened on page 11. None at all. I've basically said all I've wanted to about page 12 at the beginning. Not sure if I like how the ocean looks maybe take away some of it's detail? as it looks now it's kinda like a fabric pattern or a brush.

At this point I have most of the information I need to deduce Vessel's powers but then the final panel on page 13 takes that away and reverts me to more questions about their powers. I don't think I have as much issue with this as I think, maybe a little mystery is fine idk.

Page 14 feels like it was pushed out from page 15 for no real visible reason. Just make page 15 one big longboy.

Page 16-18  Blah blah blah something about proper mass cremation only I know or care about XD One last small thing I had no idea where they were. I thought they'd be on the cliffside below the lighthouse but idk where they would be in relation to the last panel. Are they on the clifftop or behind the cliff? Did Lata drag everyone's bodies to that location? Alright I'm definitely being a pedantic bug at this point lol.

Well I hope you get something out of this bc it took me three hours to make >w<'

Don
Global Moderator
169 comments
# 1   Posted: Feb 24 2021, 12:44 PM
For an OCT! Uhhh, for context, there's a war? My character is Lata, she was sent to the coasts! Vessel, the small child, doesn't belong to me, but rather DesDemonical (You can read their comic here! https://desdemonical.tumblr.com/post/643791363661578240/lata-versus-vessel-corpse-the-latter-being)

Honestly I would like sommme visual crits? As of late, I've felt really dissatisfied with how my comics look. I feel like I'm not putting my all, and it doesn't hold up to how much I enjoy my sketchy style that I do in doodles compared to my cleaner comic work. Suggestions are appreciated! Someone pointed out that it's most likely the fact that I work on short deadlines and don't set a limit to what I do that impacts whether I put 50%/75%/100% into the visuals, and I'm definitely thinking about that for future works. But for now, enjoy!

This comic, due to Election Royale and generally taking a break, was done in under a week.

Comic Details -

 
Drawing Time: 1 week
Ended: Mar 3rd, 2021
Votes Cast: 18
Page Views: 421
 

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