Throw Down in Toontown, Round 1 / Riley Gator vs. Palooka

Throw Down in Toontown, Round 1 / Riley Gator vs. Palooka

Throw Down in Toontown, Round 1 — Riley Gator vs. Palooka

52.4%
423 points
Page 1Page 2Page 3Page 4Page 5Page 6Page 7Page 8Page 9Page 10Page 11

Crit level: Open to any comments or critiques

47.6%
384 points
Page 1Page 2Page 3Page 4Page 5Page 6Page 7

Crit level: Open to any comments or critiques
tags: brownkidd, noir, palooka, panda, riley, toon town



Critiques & Comments
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Heavenbat
Artist
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59 comments
# 10   Posted: Oct 17 2019, 11:32 PM
Astro: I love the style variations you're able to pull off! They're really fun, lol. I agree with the others that there was a bit of a clarity issue, but overall they don't take away too much from the story.

Brownkidd: I really like the first couple of pages, it's such a nice setup! I actually read your comic first so Riley didn't feel as ooc to me, tbh. I loved the way their powers played off one another, though I feel like you could've pushed more of Riley's style hopping as opposed to media hopping? I also agree that placements got a bit confusing in the battle itself.

Really good job you two, I love the dynamic both of these characters have lol

Read Living Meat! -Reecer6
Artist
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263 comments
# 9   Posted: Oct 5 2019, 12:23 AM
astro: oh my gosh this was SO ADORABLE!! i love riley in spite of her extremely mischievious and dangerous deeds. the style changes are excellent, and are super well done! i guess that plays well to putting out a lot of pages too. i do think it makes some of the beats hard to read though, like page 4 panel 1: are riley's arms coming out of the window? isn't palooka supposed to be being sucked through the tv? and page 6 panel 6: what did palooka do? because of the trail leading into the sky, i want to read it as an uppercut, but i think it's supposed to be a gunshot and its smoke, in which case the action feels way too vertically directed. but GOD i love how this LOOKS, like that marker brush you used!!! i love it, it looks so authentic! i love how palooka and june are rendered in riley's style!! and then the ending was so dark for palooka, and then the stinger on TOP of that, they were both very good, making me cringe in a good way, you know, like good horror does. the dialogue at the start was a bit hard to get through, though! palooka's exceedingly casual and familiar, which makes sense, but it means he speaks very frugally, making me hafta do all the interpretation work. also i'm still not sure why he was so shocked at june's mom hiring him, because the only connotation that's holding for me is that it's about toon bigotry, but i'm sure it's just supposed to be an allusion to it being a tv thing, but i can't interpret it that way? okay those were all my nitpicks this is excellent i love it <3

brownkidd: this comic's got a lot of cute antics! you definitely wanted to have a lot of fun with the toon concepts, and i see you've still got some more in store for future rounds! unfortunately, this kind of suffers from the comic being written kind of generically in that any opponent could've fit in riley's slot, and even riley seems pretty out of character in it. granted, it's hrt first comic, so who knows what her character is, but i still get that vibe! and then your wrap up at the end is... super rushed. you're fitting a heck of a lot into three speech bubbles; other comics could definitely spend multiple pages resolving that! that's the juicy stuff! but also as a conclusion can i mention i love the way riley's introduced, that's very cute, i love it.

ArtsandGoodies
Approval Committee
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279 comments
# 8   Posted: Oct 2 2019, 07:43 PM
Astro: I love the way you write your characters and what you did with her in this. Also the different styles was really cool and would love to see you experiment more with that.

I think the biggest issue with there are multiple clarity issues in this comic. The profile views of the Tv in pages 1 and 3 aren't all that clear and they are having the action go to the left since they are being dragged into the TV. The reader is reading from the left and to the right, so when the action goes back to the left like that it makes the reader go back to what they just read and confuse the reader. Also Riley's hand isn't prominent enough in these and easy to miss since it blends in with the other stuff making it a more extreme white to stick out more would have helped. putting these panels in a 3 quarters view like panel 3 of page 1 for gives more us more clarity and information about what's happening. Also make sure to have your action flow with the way the reader reads the page

In page 3 the first panel the room is a good background but the focus is in all the wrong places. They're talking about she being in "there" but the reader has no clue where that is. The window is the main source of light in this pane so that is the first thing the viewers eye will go to and what people will assume she is in since there is no sign of her anywhere in the panel despite her being the focus of discussion. These details are good but they don't sell the idea that something is wrong with this room. The main source of light should have been the tv for this and you could have also played with colors maybe adding a bunch of green scribbles on the paper to show she was obsessed with one particular thing since just a bunch of blank papers doesn't get the same image across.

There is the  issue with the ring and the TV June and her mother are watching it from, since it is such an important element they should be visible during that scene and we should be seeing what they're doing to understand what they are doing and how they are reacting to all of this going on. Having additional panels showing the outside of the TV world with them getting ready to throw it away would have also given more panels to help build up tension.

That was a lot i critiqued but I still enjoyed your comic and you did a really good job with it.

Brownkid: Congrats on finally getting a void comic done, Palooka is a a cool character and your line work is great. I also love the way you use both of the characters power in this, they are creative uses of toon logic for both of them.
once the action with the Koalas starts, the locations of the characters in relation to each other gets a little confused. we keep seeing them in separate panels and there are no simple background elements (the fence and the crates disappear in these panels) to ground them. So for those couple pages they just end up in space with no clear indication of the relationship of space between the characters.
After that while the ending is a bit abrupt I do like it, it's a cute ending that wraps to the beginning in an enjoyable way. Good job with your first comic and look forward to seeing more of your stuff.

Heathen
Artist
icon
332 comments
# 7   Posted: Oct 2 2019, 07:23 PM
I liked Astro's plot more, and her characterization of Riley as a silent agent of chaos. Brownkidd's combination of Riley and Palooka's abilities was more clever, and his was an overall fun comic. Astro, your dialog was impossible to decipher in a couple places, and your use of closeups made the action confusing at times, particularly when Palooka tosses the alligator boxer into the ring and the  leaps in after him. It took me several times through to figure out that sequence. And I'm still not sure how Riley used a piece of candy to transport her and Palooka into a boxing arena, and the girl was transported out of the TV. But I really like how animated your characters are, and there's a lot great poses on display here. I also noticed you stepped out of your comfort zone with how you've drawn the faces and hands in this comic.

It's basically a non-vote, but I gave both of these comics a solid 8. Sorry.

brownkidd
Artist
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7 comments
# 6   Posted: Oct 1 2019, 01:00 PM
Thanks for the crit! Yeah, I had another page planned at the end, but had to rush it for the deadline. Been lurking void for years, but always too scared to submit. I’m just happy I was able to finally finish something. I’m officially hooked. I crave more battles!!!!!!!!!

TheCydork
Artist
icon
53 comments
# 5   Posted: Sep 30 2019, 08:09 PM
Astro - I love Riley?? She’s so cute, I really enjoyed her expressions plus reading her and Palooka’s interactions. Also really liked the simple colours and different styles.

The dialogue and transitions could have been clearer though. For instance, no matter how I read the bubbles, the conversation between Palooka and June’s mum on page 2 doesn’t really flow imo. I’m also not sure how or why Palooka was transported to the boxing ring and how June managed to get out of the TV.

Brown - Straight up, yours is one of the few black and white, non-shaded comics I could actually read easily and all in one sitting. So, kudos! I like the angular style you go for with Palooka and the villainous koalas, and the overall message of the comic was quite sweet.

However I... kinda feel like in making Riley the star you changed her personality a lot? I know her bio isn’t super in-depth, but I really can’t imagine someone who “Wants the best for everyone and would love to make others happy” being so eager and almost gleeful about shooting other toons. The ending also felt kind of abrupt which killed a little of the sentiment for me.

brownkidd
Artist
icon
7 comments
# 4   Posted: Sep 29 2019, 11:59 PM
Whoop whoop!

      Edited Sep 30 2019,  12:01 AM by brownkidd

brownkidd
Artist
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7 comments
# 3   Posted: Sep 29 2019, 11:59 PM
Submitted!!! Can't wait to read yours, Astro! I had soo much fun with Riley! Kinda' made her the star of the story, tbh. Anyway, good luck!!!

Astrodile
Artist
icon
103 comments
# 2   Posted: Sep 29 2019, 11:57 PM
Submitted! Hope you all enjoy, and let me tell you brown, I REALLY enjoyed writing Palooka-- I'm a sucker for the rowdy detective types. I hope I did your panda justice!

And thanks to those who looked over my script, as well as friends who let me borrow their characters for this comic <3 I appreciate it!

      Edited Sep 30 2019,  12:19 AM by Astrodile

Astrodile
Artist
icon
103 comments
# 1   Posted: Sep 15 2019, 01:38 AM
HERE WE GOOOO

Comic Details -

 
Drawing Time: 2 weeks
Ended: Oct 6th, 2019
Votes Cast: 18
Page Views: 497
Winner: Astrodile
 

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