Paavo Lawson vs. Kindervampen

Paavo Lawson vs. Kindervampen

Paavo Lawson vs. Kindervampen

by Dechado

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Crit level: No critique desired, comments encouraged

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ArtsandGoodies
Approval Committee
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260 comments
# 9   Posted: Apr 2 2019, 11:53 PM
decha: it's a shame there was a technical default but I do hope try to make a completed version as a BB and don't feel bad about the default.

Desi: I just gotta say I really like your inks in this and in-particular your backgrounds are getting more character. you're making backgrounds that match your characters in that their cute and fantastical, even if they're sparse I enjoyed them. Also your overall pacing is getting much better an the scene with her hair pulling was really well done, you led up to it well. You can also add other small details as well to hint at these dramatic moments, like in this comic the moments when she was at the table in the restaurant instead of her hand laying on her cheek she could have been twirling her hair.
For a crits i would agree with Duel in that your final lines sounded a bit unnatural and not like something that necessarily fits in character, since he just met Kourtney saying "and leave her alone forever" the "forever" is redundant since they have no established relationship if he's going to leave her alone it implies that he's never coming back.. A thing I do a bunch is say out-loud the dialogue and try to remove the fluff words. i also have this problem and have to cut a bunch of my dialogue because it's filler words (I also have this problem with my crits as well)  that only take away from the scene when the character says this. this is just something you gotta work on and this is a step up from your previous comics. So it's just practice trying to cut as many bloated words as possible that you have been getting better at over time. Great job on the comic.

Kozispoon
Approval Committee
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1046 comments
# 8   Posted: Apr 1 2019, 04:30 AM
DECHADO- Disappointed.

DESI- From the first page, I am legit surprised. Your work has taken on a stylized look that is graphic, appealing and has your signature twist to it. From page one its so cool to see three different known voiders that aren't drawn exactly on model to what we as an audience are familiar with. You stylized them really well (I especially dig the muppet noses).  You've come such a long way from where you began with your characterizations and style- its been so fun reading each of your battles and seeing the evolution. Your characters have more fluid sense of motion, and your comedic moments left me smirking. I love the first page and how these kids went down the line trying to find their teacher a pair up and lauded the lamest choice. XD Courtney's over the top, hair ripping reaction to werewolves was also golden.

I know I say it every battle, but I'm gonna keep on saying it: your backgrounds need work. I think this battle has the most rudimentary environments and backgrounds you've done yet. Some panels have even resorted to rendering the backgrounds as scribbles, leaving the reader trying to decipher where your characters are in the universe. It kills me because your cutesy style lends itself to populating these characters in equally cutsey worlds and places, but its just not there.

William_Duel
Community Manager
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924 comments
# 7   Posted: Mar 30 2019, 06:51 AM
Desi this is a nice experiment.  It's good to see you trying new things every comic.  And this change in style is interesting.  I would have liked some sort of caption though on the first page telling us who the characters were.  In writing, something I personally always keep in mind, is that I treat every piece of writing as if I'm meeting my audience for the first time.  Now you don't have to explain every single nuance but simple reminders can help your audience.  For example, I don't know who the other characters are except for Sovereign Greece.  You're great at translating other characters into your style but I feel like the audience isn't always going to know without a little help.  

One more note, be wary of some of your dialogue.  I'm not quite fond of the dialogue on the last page.  It's a little too on the nose in trying to cap the story.  It refers a little to what I was saying before about not needing to explain every nuance to the audience.  Your audience knows how much Kourtney hates wolves because the climax of your story hinges on it.  So instead of having Paavo reiterate it, it would sound better if he expressed his disappointment a little more naturally.  For example, if he had simply said "It seems like this will never work out." summarizes the ending better.

OberGoat
Artist
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27 comments
# 6   Posted: Mar 28 2019, 09:45 PM
Such a cute story! You art style is just super adorable! I love your expressions! Your story and layout flowed well too, had no problems following the actions. My only real crit, and I feel like it's more of a nitpick than anything else, is that sometimes your backgrounds seem a little sparse, but otherwise a great read and I look forward to seeing more from you!

Also, totally adding Kindervampen to my hitlist!

Shen
Global Moderator
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1278 comments
# 5   Posted: Mar 28 2019, 09:19 PM
Desi your white thumbnails scared the shit out of me first off
This story is so cute! Seeing the kids trying to help a sister out with a hot date is charming, and they almost did an amazing job! you draw Paavo SO CUTE, i love when his lil dog ears popped. what a good couple they would have made~ too bad about the whole "werewolf" thing lol. Her freakout was phenomenal, just straight-up tearing chunks of her own hair out, now THATS hatred. I don't have much to crit, youre getting better at story, backgrounds, clarity and all of it so just keep it up, i love seeing more from you!
And I guess if we're gonna start keeping score, heres a +1 to the vampire side hehe~

Bobo
Web Dev
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893 comments
# 4   Posted: Mar 27 2019, 12:37 AM
Unfortunately, Decha's side had to be force-defaulted for not showing both characters in a comic. For reference, check the Site Rules & Etiquette Page.

Desichan
Think Tank
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181 comments
# 3   Posted: Mar 26 2019, 05:59 PM
Submitted, i hope everyone likes it, not as complete as i'd have liked but im really proud of this comic regardless

Thank you Decha for fighting me!

Kozispoon
Approval Committee
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1046 comments
# 2   Posted: Mar 24 2019, 05:28 AM
OH man I didn't realize this was vampire vs werewolf until I read the first comment. TEAM WOOF MAKE US PROUD GAWDDAMMIT

Shen
Global Moderator
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1278 comments
# 1   Posted: Mar 5 2019, 08:48 PM
Who shall score the first victory in the vampire/werewolf war!!! also this will be ADORABLE

Comic Details -

 
Drawing Time: 2 weeks
Ended: Apr 2nd, 2019
Votes Cast: 16
Page Views: 979
Winner: Desichan
 

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