Intro Story / Talon

Intro Story — Talon

by Badger

This comic has not been rated; viewer discretion advised.

Icon for Talon
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Crit level: No preference

Critiques & Comments
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# 13   Posted: Jan 18 2018, 09:02 AM
Woah, sorry I didn't read your stuff before! This is really awesome!! So many questions~ I wonder why it knocked him out when it shouldnt have :? I guess i better read more!

Think Tank
# 12   Posted: Aug 20 2017, 07:18 PM
Just wanted to say thank you to everyone who commented and critiqued! I really appreciate all the advice, there's definitely a lot that I can improve on and I look forward to participating in some battles in the future! Thanks again!

# 11   Posted: Aug 20 2017, 01:41 PM
Ayyyy New Guy! Welcome!

Overall: I can dig it! The concept is clever and we get his whole schtick pretty quickly. And now the crit:

The Art: You've got a solid handle on your anatomy, and your establishing shots are just about there in terms of design and perspective. I'd say the big note on the art really ties into the draftsmanship and composition of each panel, so I'll just jump to that.

You're really comfortable with the waist-up/bust-up shots, and you don't really leave that comfort zone. Zoom out! Whip the camera around! Give us some worms-eye view, some birds-eye view, some full body shots, something more than what's there now. Mostly because, as a reader, seeing the same shot over and over can be pretty visually boring, and if this was any longer than 4 pages, it might be enough reason to "pick it up later" if ever.

I see you're tryina make some visual interest with the slanty action panels, and that's definitely a step in the right direction, but the bones of the shot are still waist-up 3/4 views.

Other minor notes include:

Your Text. Don't left justify, center dat shit. It lends itself more to the bubble shape. Also, the spiky-corned balloons just seem...sorta like a half measure? Spikey all around would probably sell itself better as 'shock'.

Wardrobe choices. Talon seems to be in a costume-shop warlock outfit, which is fine, but then the antagonists are Leather-Jacket-Greaser-Dude, Chad Prescott Who Stepped Right Off His Yacht, and Dark Ages Peasant. There really isn't a lot of cohesion there. Or, simply put, none of that jives. Even in Fantasy Town, trends and aesthetics still should be considered.

Sorta Personal Preference Note: The blue magic when he's touched. I get that it's his Sleep Skin activating, but the fire-effect doesn't really coincide with drowsiness. Maybe consider a vibration effect? Almost like a tuning fork looking buzz that goes up the toucher's arm and knocks em out once it hits their head? Or like, X-Men Evolution: when Rogue was touched, everything went Negative for a sec and the toucher was KO'd. Somethin like that.

THERE'S A LOTTA NOTES HERE, but honestly theser all super fixable things and you've got a bright future ahead of you on Void. Cheers!

# 10   Posted: Aug 19 2017, 03:28 PM
Welcome to Void!
Can I just say I really love Talon's outfit? Design, colors, and all that- it's cool and looks fun to draw.
Also, wonderful job with the poses and expressions here, it all looks great.
I hope you get into a battle soon so we can see more of what you (and Talon) have got in store!

# 9   Posted: Aug 18 2017, 03:59 PM
My only real note is to work on the padding and shapes in your speech bubbles. In some spots the text touches the edge the shapes are very "Photoshop ellipse tool". But otherwise, it's awesome and I wanna fight you ASAP!

# 8   Posted: Aug 17 2017, 05:43 PM
I've seen worse comics in print.  Good job!

# 7   Posted: Aug 17 2017, 02:49 PM
so a Rogue-like power foe a necromancer? That's an interesting combination. The thematic of Anti-Arcanisme (i totally made up that word) also gave me tons of ideas.

# 6   Posted: Aug 14 2017, 03:48 PM
Yo, you've got magic circles, I've got magic circles, I think we need to get a fight goin' on eventually man

I definitely really like your linework and your posing! All the effort you put into the background details, both the architecture and the graveyard itself, really builds the scene nicely, it's great. I also really love how bony all this anatomy is, it's a nice stylistic touch! Most of my issues really just have to do with the plotting. Like, it's kind of weird those people in the background of the first page are just kind of there, not even all together, and up until the events of the comic they're just kind of okay with what Talon's doing? It's a super minor thing, but it just struck me as weird. The guy going to stab Talon with the knife takes like, a weirdly long time to wind-up, I feel like, with the pacing the comic has otherwise. Like, if it were me, I probably wouldn't include page 3 panel 3 at all, as nice as it looks, because all it really does is slow the stab down. The whole comic also doesn't really end on a definitive note? It feels rushed, which I guess makes sense, because you had to fit this all in four pages to count as an intro comic, but the fact that after all this, they just run off and then the dude regains consciousness in between two panels? And then, I guess it's a punchline hinging on the dude's weak constitution (but if that's it, the dialogue also leaves it open to being that Talon is just stronger than he thinks, or clumsily used too much magicks, or something), and then it ends. It feels like there's a bit more of a mystery to solve here, and some dialogue to have with this man, but the idea is you move immediately from this into a regular void comic, and that doesn't really fit to me. But still! Artwise, your stuff's great! And even with the story, I'm probably being too pedantic.

# 5   Posted: Aug 13 2017, 11:50 PM
 Despite the closed mouth talking Pita pointed out, you've got some seriously great expressions, body language, movement, action poses, and hands going on here. So many hands, and all of them good.

Your faces are also very consistent, even if there aren't particularly varied face and body types on display here. But I don't doubt that you're capable of drawing unique looking people.

Your colors are good, but I would've preferred less dark blue, it's not especially interesting to look at. And while your backgrounds are fine, work on giving the lines of the buildings some more character. Especially on the type of old architecture you have here, there's lots of opportunity for little imperfections. Since the buildings are all at a distance, it's not too bad that you've used clean lines, but they're just a little lifeless.  

One thing that I missed in this comic, that would also work to remedy the previous issue, is atmospheric depth. Fog. That graveyard should have a thick mist crawling over the ground, and hanging in the air, pushing those buildings back into the distance and lending a spookiness to the location and this seemingly dark, occult ritual he's about to perform.

For the sake of pacing, it works fine, but something that came off kind of humorous is that he's performing some forbidden ritual twenty feet away from these guys. All the lights in town are still on, there's people out in the square, which tells us it must be around 9 o'clock at night. Why wouldn't he wait until the dead of night to do this in secrecy? He responds to the sight of the knife with a sort of  exasperated resignation, which tells me this has happened before. Is he just a crappy warlock? The scene is played straight, so I don't think it's intentionally silly. You use your 4 pages well here, but a simple change of location (i.e. having the graveyard up on a hill overlooking the village, perhaps, setting it a good half mile away), and the inclusion of a line of dialog to communicate that these guys have followed him there because they expected to catch him in the act, would work to make the whole scene more believable, and more dramatic.

Can't wait to see your first battle, and welcome to Void!

Pita (Slowly getting back into it)
Approval Committee
# 4   Posted: Aug 13 2017, 02:09 PM
Very nice!

Only thing I will note is that all the dialog is delivered through closed mouths or clenched teeth.  Look into varying your mouth shapes.

# 3   Posted: Aug 13 2017, 07:21 AM
Oh no I love him

# 2   Posted: Aug 12 2017, 02:57 PM
Welcome to Void! Love your new character!

# 1   Posted: Aug 12 2017, 02:47 PM

Comic Details -

Beyond Battle
Ended: Aug 19th, 2017
Votes Cast: 21
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