Intro Story / Ashlan

Intro Story — Ashlan

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Critiques & Comments
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The Bent One
Artist
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545 comments
# 6   Posted: Jul 15 2018, 08:44 AM
I agree with Kozispoon. Page 3 would have been an awesome ending with a spine tingling reveal. I think you could have still done this in 4 pages, but maybe used the extra page up front to do more exposition. We know that Ashlan is a (professional?) fighter in the Pits, but we don't get too much other than that. Who is the guy she is talking to? Her manager? Her trainer? A partner? You can't fit a lot of exposition into 4 pages without it beating the reader over the head, and it can be difficult to write subtext and drop hints through dialogue when you're telling a compressed story. Something to watch out for in future comics.

I love your style for your characters, but the backgrounds seem to suffer a bit. I really like the panels where you use spot blacks to frame the characters, it might be fun to experiment with more solid black shadows in your backgrounds to punch up the visual style. Don't be afraid to use photo references for buildings and interior shots, I feel like that would really kick this style up a notch if your characters can hang out in cool looking environments.

(P.S. I can't wait to see what you do for our battle)

Kozispoon
Approval Committee
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940 comments
# 5   Posted: Jul 14 2018, 12:16 PM


You have such a great build up in this comic and setting the scene for Ash for what she does. She comes off formidable, powerful and utterly terrifying. That third page was perfect. This spine tingling entrance that makes us go "Woooow, this poor kid is boned"

But then I got to the last page and all that build up fell flat. Ash with all that might and muscle, drags her victim over like he actually weighs something to her. She opens this guy up so daintily. Like there's actual resistance or effort needed on her part.

The best advice I've ever gotten on void from a fellow voider was that a comic artists best weapon is the readers imagination. More often than not, what your readers will think up in their sick little minds will be vastly more grim and harrowing than what you could ever draw. But this was drawn, so you've given us an expectation and we see the full 'might' and intent of Ash which is surprisingly underwhelming.


Heathen
Artist
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187 comments
# 4   Posted: Jul 13 2018, 07:38 AM
I'll echo what Jelly said. Sometimes less is more, and in this case, if you're going to do that fourth page, you really need a fifth page to cap off the scene. The tone of the comic up to that last page is humorous, so to cut to credits right in the middle of a brutal evisceration, it's just a hard stop in a scene we don't really want to see more of. You always want to leave your readers wanting to know what happens next.

I also would have loved to see this in color. Unless you have a good reason not to, for style, I would urge you to color all your solo comics, because your colors are really good, and you aren't on a deadline.

I really love your bizarre monster designs, and although this one's anatomy becomes almost indecipherable in the last panel, it kind of works in a Kronenburg way. But then the anatomy in the full shot on page 3 is pretty clear, she's like a centaur. I'd say either nail down the anatomy from every angle so it's consistent, or obscure it with more shadows.

Work on drawing people with different face shapes. I've noticed all your characters have the same bedroom eyes and broad nose. You have a great animation quality to your drawings, so really play with the features to make your characters unique.

      Edited Jul 13 2018,  07:44 AM by Heathen

SirJellyRaptor
Artist
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31 comments
# 3   Posted: Jul 13 2018, 06:20 AM
EYYYYYYYY FINALLY! at least one of us is keeping active.

My only criticism here is that the last page feels kinda unnecessary. The page before it would have been a good stopping point because we already know at that point what's about to happen, and perhaps it's better to leave it to the readers imagination just how brutally this man is about to get mutilated.

But with that one nitpick out of the way, I'm glad she's finally up and running

yarnwitch
Artist
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181 comments
# 2   Posted: Jul 12 2018, 09:02 PM
*hyperventilates*

Desichan
Artist
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120 comments
# 1   Posted: Jul 12 2018, 08:50 PM
yAY ASH IS IN SHES IN SHES INNNNNNN

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