GIGARA vs. Sumiko Nakatomi

GIGARA vs. Sumiko Nakatomi


395 points
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Critiques & Comments
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Happy November 16th! -Reecer6
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221 comments
# 10   Posted: May 10 2018, 10:52 AM
Pyras: Clearly not enough dialogue. I mean, you got two whole pages there of nothing that you could easily fill up with Park talking about how she is having a great/bad time!</sarcasm>
Nah, it's a cute and solid comic! The expository conversations with Karrin were neat bookends. I think the overall story, though, is kinda cliché and tropey, to the point that I couldn't really connect to it (although it's executed well). Like, Louise plays such a by-the-books evil stepmother-type figure in this to my eyes it's kinda silly. I do like how the other conflict Park is facing (well, has faced for a bit) is just, "no, we can never be together because when I'm horny I get DANGEROUSLY hot" though.

Yarn: I know you really want people to go ham with the criticism but I still really can't! Your linework continues to be beautiful, your panelling is very artistically chosen and eye-drawing, and Rumiko's developed as such a super interesting enigma. She's impulsive in a way I really can't put down, or believe in any way I could depict well. I neeeeeed more comics with her, man!

      Edited May 10 2018,  10:56 AM by Happy November 16th! -Reecer6

ArtsandGoodies
Think Tank
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97 comments
# 9   Posted: May 9 2018, 09:57 PM
Pyras: There is something about the colors in this that I love in this comic, I think is that it has just right amount of saturation that it constantly pops out in a way that is pleasurable to the eye. Park’s expressions are also really on point in this comic.
In terms of the story I love the ending, showing her sexual frustration is great. Often times I feel like romance in comics is always too abstract to try and keep it PG when it really doesn’t need to be, but showing how frustrated Park is makes her a much more grounded and relatable character and the situation actually feel real. I love that you are willing to show this raw emotion and be explicit about it but also do it in a classy way. Even though the rest of this story didn’t work I do hope in future comics where you show romance you go to this length and show the reality and how frustrating it can be sometimes. However as real as Park feels, the other characters don’t.
Maybe something to try next time is after all the images and dialogue is in place, hide all the images and blank out all the names in the dialogue, then try to see who is saying what. When you do that and put the dialogue together in this comic you can’t really tell voices apart in this comic or the personalities of any of the other characters. One example is page 9 the first panel in the first two bubbles if you remove the name “Park”, those bubbles could be said by either of them and it’s hard to tell who is saying what.
It is not just Sumiko but also Louise who suffers from this issue in your comic. She has the one dialogue bubble with “Au contraire” and then never throws in any french lingo again, if you put french in more of her bubbles it would have helped bring out her character more and make her dialogue a bit less dry. For Sumiko all I get is that she is a fan of Park and she has feelings for her. This dialogue says nothing about her personality or why we are following her instead of any other fan of Park, it also doesn’t show why Park would want to fall for her and makes it more seem like she’s only into Sumiko’s looks, which could be part of why some people see this romance as a bit creepy, since there is no sign of Sumiko’s personality in the dialogue it comes off as Park just wanting to hook up with someone about 10 years younger than her and barley legal.
If the other characters had been written as well as Park was this would have been an amazing story, but right now it just feels like a samey story with a impactful special ending. Like this is one of the best ways I have seen the sexual frustration of a failed romance in a comic and I can’t say enough how much I love the ending, it’s just a shame the lead up to it wasn’t as special.

Yarn: Your traditional art is amazing and I love seeing monocolor comics and you do it very well. However there is one issue with the final panel, and that’s the “Poser” marker thing. When I first read through your comic I thought it was calling Sumiko a poser for not being able to smoke and didn’t realize it was on the poster behind her that is of Park, I think this is cause the work “Poser” goes over her hair lines so it doesn’t look like it’s behind her but on top of her. I also didn’t realize that was a poster of Park that she was marking up. Maybe if you used a silhouetted version of the big background splash of Park Kim that you used on the 2nd page and put that as the poster that would have read better since we saw the shape previously and would associate it with her. I don’t normally have much to say about art but that affected the readability of the comic so it was important to mention.
The overall story was good and both character had distinct voices, Park’s nickname for Sumiko was particularly good for giving her a distinct voice. Though the pacing was off in the middle, going from “hmph” to “ugh shut up!” without anything in between was pretty jarring and there didn’t feel like enough time in-between them to make sense. The hmph is not really negative but comes off as curious and still interested in listening, this feeling is reinforced by the fact that the thing she said before was “oh wow” which what someone says when they’re interested or impressed and also in a good mood generally. Some more small text bubbles of Sumiko trying to say something or reacting to what Park was saying would have helped much more with the change from curiosity to annoyed at her, like her trying to defend herself or that being a yokai or monster is a good thing but not being able to get in any words edgewise making her more pissed at Park’s whining. Or  there could have been a back and forth with Park shrugging off Sumiko’s compliments. Basically there should have been a little back and forth in order to show Sumiko’s progression to anger. I do also like Sumiko’s exit for the scene. Good comic and story but there are a couple distracting missteps in it.

Julz
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338 comments
# 8   Posted: May 4 2018, 12:42 PM
pyras: cute I guess? I liked the ending :p didnt really dig the story too much. Always happy to see park though.

Yarn: amazing art here, you've improved so much! Story's alright here, colors are really well done and the poses and angles all look great. And I learned something about Kanji! :D

Radji
Artist
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468 comments
# 7   Posted: May 3 2018, 05:07 PM
Pyras: someone has to do it so i will: I don't really see anything wrong with the swooning. Sumiko is a teenager and one who is in a new hype and grand environment. It's not hard to be believe that teenage romance can happen. It's true that goin' straight for the nasty is quick, but again, the only problem with it is that it is an overused gimmick. As much as i want to defend my babies, it's true that for people not knowing of Louise's general behavior to her charges, it could be seen as a bit "out of nowhere". But i like the "mother/Aunt know better " trope. I like it cuz it could lead to sumiko actually seeking to go beyond the boundaries her guardian has set.
Also, i give this comfort cookie to poor Park. Gives that lil hot potatoe some love.

Yarn: you're easily one of the best Voiders when it come to nice trad. art and soothing colors. And that angry rebel spider is so cute. Just loved the "yeah i get it you have a emo-filled past give it a rest" Void big names indeed tends to be unable to evolve on their own self-esteem because of their "dark sasuke" trope. Again, i just love the way your character evolve
NO SUMIKO, BAD SPIDER, smokin' is bad (says the franchman who smoke cigars)

Shen
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1236 comments
# 6   Posted: May 3 2018, 12:37 PM
Pyras: i dont think i can crit your art, I know you know what went wrong there, im impressed you actually finished a full colour comic at all considering the troubles you were having so good on you for that but we both know that isn't your best work. story wise, i dont love it. i kinda had a lot of the same problems with it Sabu did. I dont like "hero rescuing a damsel from thugs, she goes off with hero" as a trope (which i told you before). I think Sumiko was kinda treated a bit as a tool to make Park look more like a tragic badass, which i think is something of a habit of yours as Im pretty sure Ive seen the same problem with some of your other characters. The scene with Louise felt kind of Tell Not Show. I don't even know why Louise would care, so that might have been stronger if we'd seen Sumiko learn that lesson herself, or Hell, seen Louise learn that lesson and thats why shes worried for Sumiko. I feel really bad being hard on this since you showed me the script in the first place and I didnt say anything then (except about the bar thugs), I think i read it in a car and by the time i put my finger on what it was i wasnt fond of it was too late for you to start over, sorry ;_; but bonus points for the most uncomfortable F!Solo scene I've ever seen lol

yarn: The art is gorgeous! great work with the backgrounds and composition. The colours were really pretty. But I'm really startled by the 180 Sumiko took. She got her hero to talk to her, but three lines later shes yelling at her to shut up and calling her a poser. I feel like there needed to be a little more to that argument as it felt like so little for her to suddenly become so angry about.

Astrodile
Artist
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69 comments
# 5   Posted: May 3 2018, 12:35 PM
Pyras: I have to agree with Sabu in terms of the quality, but since you said life got in the way I ain't really holding it against you. I will ALWAYS enjoy woman lovin' woman content, but I don't enjoy how Sumiko is more or less just a damsel in distress here who instantly falls for Park and instantly consenting to have sex with her. There's not much use of Sumiko's personality as a rebellious, punkish youngster that /isn't/ used for just showing off Park's own problems, and it really threw me off that the ending was just "I couldn't get the girl, and her aunt just rubbed salt into the wound, so I'll rub one out to make up for it." Still, an enjoyable read.

Yarn: Your traditional work is SO stunning. I loved this, but I gotta mention that in page 4 Sumiko's expressions weren't strong enough to match her dialogue, nor the buildup to her deciding that Park was just a poser. I don't have much to say about this, good work all in all!

      Edited May 3 2018,  12:41 PM by Astrodile

Sabulive
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131 comments
# 4   Posted: May 3 2018, 10:14 AM
PYRANITAR:
NGL my dude, this is a pretty weak comic. Quality-wise it's so-so; layouts are interesting but on a few pages they are cluttered, the text in the speechbubbles aren't centered, I can see the sketchlines on a few pages (even when the art above is clean), and the colours are boring. On the plus side, I think your actions are fluid and fun and what you have finished looks pretty darn good!

Writing-wise this is also pretty lackluster. Did you choose this turn of events because you looked at Sumiko's profile, saw that she disliked men and though 'she must be gay'? The crush felt fake, but I'm personally not a fan of 'oh you saved me from big bad men *swoon*' even when big ole gays are involved. I also feel like you default a lot to a story that places emphasis on how cool/important/noteworthy your own character is, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but you do it A Lot. You succeeded in making a non-combat comic but it does feel like a different page of the same graphic novel you've always been writing. I think trying to write a comic where your character isn't the main focus would be an eyeopener.

MERINOWIZARD:
I dig your traditional comics way more than your digital. I think this is by far the most solid comic you've made art-wise; I don't have much to crit on that aspect bc 1) not quite as familiar with trad stuff and 2) I don't find anything wrong. Great stuff!

The story itself was okay. Meeting your heroes and finding out they aren't as cracked up to be is always an interesting trope but  wasn't expecting the 180 degree turn in behaviour towards Park, mostly because Sumiko's face isn't being in focus. The viewer knows Park's backstory and destructive behaviour, but it would have been nice to see Sumiko react to the story, which would have made the POSER part more powerful.

PyrasTerran
Community Manager
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1386 comments
# 3   Posted: May 3 2018, 09:51 AM
For anyone else looking at the last page of my comic and isn’t sure: yes, that is what she is doing

PyrasTerran
Community Manager
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1386 comments
# 2   Posted: May 2 2018, 11:53 PM
I tried challenging myself by making a comic with absolutely no combat action, and I wanted to try a new style too. But life kept finding ways to keep me from completing this comic, even with extensions. My submission doesn't reflect what I wanted, Quality-wise, and it really bugs me that I wasn't able to deliver. I apologize ahead of time for the incompletion.

fukur0
Artist
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100 comments
# 1   Posted: Apr 5 2018, 12:41 AM
lets see some throwdown here

Comic Details -

 
Drawing Time: 3 weeks
Ended: May 9th, 2018
Votes Cast: 21
Page Views: 613
Winner: yarnwitch

 

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