WONDERLAND vs. Iri

WONDERLAND vs. Iri

by Charlie


570 points
Page 1Page 2Page 3Page 4Page 5Page 6Page 7Page 8Page 9


by jho


617 points
Page 1Page 2Page 3Page 4Page 5Page 6Page 7Page 8Page 9Page 10Page 11Page 12Page 13Page 14Page 15Page 16




Critiques & Comments
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Thresher
Artist
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166 comments
# 26   Posted: Jun 14 2012, 02:44 PM
endSHARK:
Ack, the unfinished awesome! It buurrrnnnss. I'll only really comment on what's finished but I wish you could have completed this.

I'm not overly fond of the double page file set up you have here. I can see that you're trying to reduce the amount of pages that would be uploaded/trawled through, but it kind of removes some of the intensity form each page. The other one being there is kind of a distraction in your peripheral vision when it's not taken as a proper double page spread. If you want to do that next time, I'd use both pages simultaneously.

Oh man full on backgrounds, I love that shit. You do them pretty well too, when they're actually finished.
Also you are rocking that heavy blacks style that I love to death. Keep at it man.

Your anatomy is brilliant when you're comfortable with the position the body is in, but you lose that when you take on trickier, less used poses. The main offender of this is Simon Law getting up on page 6 (10-11?) It looks very stiff and unnatural. (Another example is Priscilla's head opposite that, it kinda explodes in size in the last panel she's in).

This is not helped by the rather dull panel angle on it either, as that also weakens the intent of the action. A good way to think of it is, if this panel was taken alone, would we know what was happening? Was he blasted down or tying his shoelace up?

I love Pris' expression when Iri has her all tied up, you got that scene down pretty well. Sometimes though, you lose focus in your action and we lose the beat of it. Best example is when Iri's wires zoom past Pris (I think that's what happens). Now the focus there is Pris turning around. We first wonder "why is she turning around" rather than "OH SHIT WIRES" and that makes the scene stumble.

The cover was a different size to the rest of the files (height wise), but that's nit-picking.

One last thing you might want to be wary of is the dialogue. Sometimes it felt like you could have pushed it more, especially the parts where Simon was talking to Iri. On that page she was going to be a small speck, but if you had used the panels to show Iri being bored of Simon's righteous zeal instead of devoting two panels to Pris saying she'd handle it you'd have gotten alot more character across.

Ooo cliffhanger~

OVERALL.
Not your best. But good! Looking forward to seeing more work from you as always. And SharkGirl.


Jhojhojho:
Oh this is pretty! And backgrounds as well! Oh I do love them so.

First thing is you need to be careful with big images that break out over the other panels, as Pris' feet are obscuring that last panel on page 1 quite a bit.

I see you went for a noir crime style narration over dialogue effect. I would ask that if you were to do so, that you keep it consistent in style. Occasionally you switch to a border less text, which is kind of jarring and makes one wonder if someone is speaking out loud when they are not. I'd check out Fatale by Ed Brubaker for more on that kind of narrative, it's very wordy but is pretty much a crime novel in comic form.

The page where we Simon all beat up is powerful enough to be an opener. If you'd made this the first or even second page, you'd be off to a much stronger start.

I do like how you have Pris respond to Simon's story halfway through. I don’t think you need to keep the two images in the same panel like on page 12, it might connect them too strongly. Maybe instead have the dialogue break into the Iri Panel from Pris' panel? I think that'd work better.

The "it's so hot today" comment is a bit out of the blue considering that we don't see anyone being hot. Maybe if Simon was sweating a bit or there was ice in his glass or something. A very minor nit-pick.

A lot of your panels are straight on shots, branch out. Go nuts with angles. I'm sure you're skilled enough to do it (you both are).Your action is very solid, though I think you had too many panels dedicated to Iri and Simon leaping through the air (about 3 or 5?) and that took some impact away from the explosion.

And then the backgrounds disappear! This was sad, as backgrounds really do help to add context to an action scene, but I can see you dropping them when the panels are filled as they are.

I love the linework on this comic as well. It's sketchy and wild but it works.
When Iri is getting her wires out, that panel is a little unfocused. Keep in mind what you want each panel to achieve.

You have a few typos here and there "I rather not cooperate with them yet". Maybe get someone to proofread your work next time if this is something you're prone to doing.

One final thing, as someone relatively new to the site that montage page filled with old battle slices didn't really explain much to me, a new reader. So keep in mind that not everyone is up to date.

One final thing Overall, a really interesting way to tell the story though I'd liked to have seen more Iri.

jho
Artist
icon
485 comments
# 25   Posted: Jun 14 2012, 05:22 AM
Hey tinman, thanks for the review! My biggest problem in my work has always been inconsistency- it seems like in void I tend to experiment a lot so at times (with long drawing time) I tend to change my mind at the last minute. Also, I was trying to see if I this story telling type can be readable, since I've never done this half-narration half-action/etc thing before so it was a good fun, though I realize it might be very cramped at some parts. It's a good thing you pointed that out since I feel the same way and now I can try to make things better in the future!

Thanks for the compliment on the story, glad it's decent enough to pique your interest :)

Charlie
Artist
icon
725 comments
# 24   Posted: Jun 14 2012, 12:55 AM
Thanks for the kind words Tin, and the constructive feedback. I'm going to have definitely learn to manage my time a lot better and trying to figure out what works the quickest for me some more that will allow my comic to be read in a clear, concise way. A lot of the action shots unfortunately, for the most part, got wrapped up in 'crazy rush mode'  which is where most of the confusion seems to be coming from. Also yeah...I need to learn not to just jump around all my pages and leave myself with the stuff I really don't want to draw last.

I'm glad you enjoyed the story of it so far, there is a lot more I plan to do - just not sure when I am gonna get to it :)

TINMAN
Artist
icon
140 comments
# 23   Posted: Jun 13 2012, 10:06 PM
Orange/Jax/Spike/Phoenix/EndShark: I enjoyed the symbiotic partnership forming between Pris and Simon, we're starting to uncover more of the connective tissue between the gumshoe aspects of their characters and Void as a setting. Interesting to see Pyro watching over Simon in the end, what sinister intentions could she have? I think you're arriving at a zen harmony over your newish black and white, halftone style- it works very well for these particular characters. The contrast should ratio typically succeeds at 30/70 or 40/60 black to white, the exact 50/50 sort of makes it all feel flat or lacking texture. Mostly where the action is concerned, that's where the sense of place gets lost in the chaos. I admire that you're honing your craft and putting out books, keep it up even if your and attention is divided over many plots or monopolized by soul crushing work- I can relate. Fight on, that balancing act is all part of coming of age sadly, hold onto the dream as long as you possibly can brother.

I think your comic brings up an interesting point on comic making- how do you approach a page with its awesome panels, its simple close ups and its something boring or tiresome middle shots with backgrounds which may not be the most fun to draw, and are certainly the biggest strain and tedium inducing. Webbing it all together in a minimum of work time requires good time management and constant drive thats difficult to maintain on an arduous workload. I think what I've learned myself is perhaps not to break the comic making process into stages but complete each page before I move on- the freshness of the next page acting as a reward.


Jho: Damn you're a master of your style, the harsh hatchy lines and the Easter alinear storytelling structure isn't something I'm terrible familiar with but it's impressive. You've absolutely nailed the noir feel, everything bathed in the stark moonlight or a lighters flare juxtaposed against the massive black shadows that dominate everything. Almost to a fault, some of the panel separations and environments are lost in that translation. Mostly where the action kicks in with the bomb and the whips- a bit chaotic. I think your layouts range from quite cramped to overly broad but you control the pace of the read nicely for the most part- even using various page sizes. Truly your technical wizardry is best seen in the admirable lettering job and the effects work you use.
with your scratchy faces style reminiscent of Blade of the Immortal,- such noble faces.

There are a few stylistic inconsistencies but you typically tailor them to suit the needs of that panel. Setting this neat detective story within the meta framework of the VCPD backstory and corruption is brilliant, I hope you continue to build on this going forward- for the good of everyone in Void.


jho
Artist
icon
485 comments
# 22   Posted: Jun 12 2012, 06:06 AM
fed: thanks :D
tentacle: thanks, hahah that's a big compliment ;)

TentacleOv3rlord
icon
3 comments
# 21   Posted: Jun 11 2012, 09:54 PM
Don't say that your a massive turd! D; You should be proud you got things done while having to deal with other stuffs. :]

Charlie
Artist
icon
725 comments
# 20   Posted: Jun 11 2012, 02:15 PM
Tofu: Thanks! Yeah, like I said before I think the biggest problem I had here concerning the balancing of the blacks was that I was in a rush. I kinda then overdid it on the blacks because it'd save me more time, but it also made things a lot more confusing.

Fed: Thanks!!

Tentacle: Thank you! It'd have been a lot clearer if I wasn't such a massive turd :/.

Jho: Thanks, I'm really really glad to hear you like what I did with Iri. And yeah I think I just need to learn some better time management, I kinda had a zillion things going on at once while doing this + a full time job so its pretty tough. At this point I am doubting I'll ever get legit comic work, but all the same I'll just have to be more diligent about managing my time in the future.

TentacleOv3rlord
icon
3 comments
# 19   Posted: Jun 11 2012, 02:01 PM
These two were very enjoyable~! :D
endSHARK, I got a little lost in the comic cause I couldn't make out stuff sometimes in some panels, but it was enjoyable to read. I love your style and Priscilla is just so adorable.

jho, I really love Iri's eyes on the last page. Your comic has a nice eerie feel to it and it just reminds me of those movies that your like 'awwwww that movie was good but it kinda makes me paranoid.' If that makes sense... ha ha.

Fed
Artist
icon
161 comments
# 18   Posted: Jun 9 2012, 09:17 AM
I really, really, really enjoyed these two - It's the kinda gritty, dark, noir comics that Void was made for. Great stuff from both of you!!

jho
Artist
icon
485 comments
# 17   Posted: Jun 8 2012, 05:56 PM
jax: shame you didnt finish but it's pretty good from what I've seen. dont be so glum, shit happens just gotta plan yer time better- what if you get legit comic works!! I like what you did with iri- the last panel makes me think of pyro having double personality thing going on.

Kinuchio: pshh, thanks :P your comics are always funner to read, though!
Tofu: ahaha, aww thanks a bunch! I appreciate it :)

Tofubeast
Artist
icon
254 comments
# 16   Posted: Jun 8 2012, 01:06 PM
Jax: It's a bummer that you couldn't finish, but what bits you did have finished look nice. If you need to take a break from VOID once in a while (and I understand, work grinds us all down), that's OK! Just please come back to us. D :

 Like Kinu said, you might want to balance out your heavy blacks with your whites/form shapes in your panels. Also, Simon's adorable.

Jho: WOW. WOOOOOW WOOW WOWWW aaaokay enough incoherent flailing. Love the linework, love the tone, love the first-person-noir storytelling and pacing, love it all!

Charlie
Artist
icon
725 comments
# 15   Posted: Jun 8 2012, 11:07 AM
I think the trouble following along came from the fact that a good huge chunk of this was done in the last 48 hours. Thanks Kin!

Edit: Holy shit Jho, what a comic :D

      Edited Jun 8 2012,  11:09 AM by Charlie

Kinu
Artist
icon
150 comments
# 14   Posted: Jun 8 2012, 08:34 AM
Jax: It's okay man, we still love you. Well I do, anyway. (That is all that matters) Aside from the unfinished-ness, I had a bit of trouble following along in some parts. Just need to practice with the black tones a bit more. You pretty much got it.

Jho: Your comic.....gave me chills. Your use of pacing, blacks, action, omg. All top notch!

Teach me how to make comics, because I have been doing it wrong. :[

Charlie
Artist
icon
725 comments
# 13   Posted: Jun 8 2012, 02:24 AM
So my side sucks. Tried to get as far as I could, rushed a looooot of things. I don't think I can keep up with VOID anymore :v

Charlie
Artist
icon
725 comments
# 12   Posted: Jun 7 2012, 09:37 AM
THANKS. I'll need it :x. I'm gonna be down to the wire on thissssss.
I can't wait to see yours!

jho
Artist
icon
485 comments
# 11   Posted: Jun 7 2012, 05:27 AM
ALL UPLOADED AND DONE. if angie or whoever in charge can make the thumbs all black  that'd be swell!! if it's too much trouble, no worries!!

NOW I GO DO OTHER STUFF. GOOD LUCK BRENDON!!

jho
Artist
icon
485 comments
# 10   Posted: May 28 2012, 09:13 PM
workin on dizz. halfway done...

Charlie
Artist
icon
725 comments
# 9   Posted: May 22 2012, 06:55 PM
I'M WORKING ON THIS I SWEAR! Also I was just wondering if I could get an extension? While I'm -finally- making some nice progress here on the comic I'd like just a little more wiggle room to play around with. Work's been loading on the hours and I've got other things to do that I stupidly said I'd do for a tiny bit of extra cash on the side (no I'm not sucking dicks) so I neeeeeddddd more time to make sure I can get as much done as I can.

Z3RO
Artist
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32 comments
# 8   Posted: May 21 2012, 02:53 AM
Best o'luck to ya guys \:D/

Red
Council
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632 comments
# 7   Posted: May 7 2012, 06:53 AM
OH DEAR SWEET BABY JESUS

Tofubeast
Artist
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254 comments
# 6   Posted: May 3 2012, 04:44 PM
POP POP POP

DelBarrio
Artist
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426 comments
# 5   Posted: May 3 2012, 11:44 AM
Yeaaaaa booiiiiiii yeeeaaaaa guuurrrllll~

JoshuaEliGilley
Artist
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461 comments
# 4   Posted: May 3 2012, 11:21 AM
OMG SO DOPE.

Thresher
Artist
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166 comments
# 3   Posted: May 3 2012, 10:50 AM
Looking forward to this one!

Orion
Artist
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179 comments
# 2   Posted: May 3 2012, 12:39 AM
Sweet Susie Q! Lets get to the kickin'!

Charlie
Artist
icon
725 comments
# 1   Posted: May 3 2012, 12:15 AM
Yay :D Time to get my ass kicked.

Once I wake up in the morning.

Comic Details -

 
Drawing Time: 4 weeks
Ended: Jun 14th, 2012
Votes Cast: 26
Page Views: 1299
Winner: jho

 

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