You're my role model! / Trixie and Fawn Nightingale

You're my role model! — Trixie and Fawn Nightingale


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Critiques & Comments
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Majikura
Artist
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455 comments
# 10   Posted: Jun 8 2018, 01:07 PM
I feel like this comic is missing like a page or three.  The adventure was over before we even got started.

William_Duel
Community Manager
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870 comments
# 9   Posted: Jun 3 2018, 05:40 AM
I understand that the sparkles are Desi's trademark but I still feel, as I have commented in the past, that the sparkles aren't really doing their job.  It is still, as always, a rather haphazard placement.  If everything is sparkly, then nothing really looks sparkly.  It's a texture basically and when you apply to everything, you flatten everything.  A lot of time that smaller dusting just really looks like dust.  This is what I would try to do.  I would use the sparkles for emphasis.  That which needs more emphasis would shine more and bring more attention to what you want people to focus on.  For your consideration, I'd look up some clips of Kill La Kill.  Despite being a heavy action series, they use sparkles and glitter a lot.  Especially during transformation sequences.  And that can give you an idea about emphasis and even how they handle it differently.

Also, sparkles don't need to be limited to that one shape.  Look up on youtube Kyary Pamyu Pamyu's Kira Kira Killer.  It's even in the title (Kira Kira means Sparkle Sparkle in Japanese) and you'll get an example of the different shapes sparkles can be.  The whole video is just sparkle effects.  

It's cool if that's your thing, I just don't think it's living up to it's potential as it is.

Astro Sean
Think Tank
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272 comments
# 8   Posted: Jun 2 2018, 07:32 PM
Fantastic work from both of you! I just wanted the both of you to know that I loved this comic and the story was really inspiring! I want more Fawn and Trixie! Great colors, great story, great layout and panel progression. My only suggestion is making the text a little bigger next time around. I had some trouble reading some of the balloons.

Crocostyle
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3 comments
# 7   Posted: Jun 2 2018, 06:38 PM
This was an adorable little comic. Your styles go really well together. I enjoyed the vibrant colors and environmental details a lot.  Made me really want to see more of it--the one downside being that many panels have just characters standing around, and I'd like it better if every other one was at a different angle or focusing on a different thing.  Even still, as a wholeit looks great. The story was also very wholesome. Trixie in particular is really starting to grow on me.^^  Great work both of you!

Energy
Artist
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108 comments
# 6   Posted: Jun 2 2018, 05:25 PM
Very colorful and sparkly.  Love it.

Alouisse Ver
Artist
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32 comments
# 5   Posted: Jun 2 2018, 04:56 PM
First off, I like the way your styles blended! The blend resulted in what was a cute and bright comic.

Now onto the critiques!~

My main grip is definitely the lettering. Now I’m going to assume Pomo did the pencils? If that’s so, then:

1. There was enough space within each panel that is not being utilized effectively. Example: Page 2, panels 1 and 2. This comic was heavy on the dialogue and really needed that empty space to be utilized. Desi, I recommend reading up on comic lettering, and learning how to effectively place bubbles within panels.  

2. Speaking of dialogue, it either really needed to be trimmed to the essentials so there wouldn’t be large speech bubbles, or if this was the trimmed version, they really needed to be split into smaller, more easier to read, bubbles.

3. The alignment and the size of the bubbles were another problem with me. Sometimes the speech bubbles are too big, Page 2, panels 2 and 5 for example. And sometimes the speech bubbles are too small. Pages 1 (panel 4), 2 (panel 4), and 3 (panel 2). Once you have your text, just make sure you leave a comfortable amount of space around it. Once again, looking up tutorials, and really analyzing the webcomics and comics you read will really help you out.

4. You want people to find your comic cute, but I’d also assume you’d like your readers to take your comic seriously. I’d lessen the amount of exclamations you have. There’s a lot on page 2 that could either be replaced with some needed commas or periods to help dialogue flow better and seem more realistic.

5. The last point! Now that lettering is out of the way, I have something to say about the story.

This comic could’ve really packed some punch if there was an extra page. As it stands right now, it’s cute with some nice character interactions, but with the way page 3 ended, it just made me realize what this could’ve been.

Page 1. Fawn is talking to Trixie, and Fawn’s mother looks over and realizes it. Fawn’s mother gets the idea.

Page 2. This page focuses on Trixie, she receives the message and talks to Merrik. Explaining that she has been talking to Fawn for a while and she appreciates that Fawn focuses more on her talents and who she is rather than what she is. Merrik encourages her to accept Fawn’s mothers proposal, and Trixie happily agree’s and sends her reply.

Page 3 and 4 are good as is. With 3 being the meetup, and 4 being them returning home and reflecting on what happened. Maybe this has motivated Trixie to meetup with more people? That others see her as more of a person than robot?  Maybe this has inspired Fawn to be more trusting of others despite the constant threat of death? There could’ve been some good development here.


And that’s it for my critiques!
Once again, this was a cute collab between the two of you, it was short and sweet, with a nice interaction. I loved these little adventures between characters. It makes Void City seem more like a community.

I can’t wait to see where these two characters end up doing and going. <3

      Edited Jun 2 2018,  05:09 PM by Alouisse Ver

Shen
Global Moderator
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1193 comments
# 4   Posted: Jun 2 2018, 04:22 PM
your guys' art styles blend so well this came out so pretty! Great lines and colours! Story was simple but sweet, sometimes you just want to read something wholesome like this! You guys pair delightfully, what an adorable comic!

SirJellyRaptor
Artist
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29 comments
# 3   Posted: Jun 2 2018, 02:23 PM
UUUMMM EXCUSE ME ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME YOU TWO BECAUSE ITS WORKING. this is just way too cute to have been created by mere mortals. Your styles match together so well here it's just so pleasing to look at. Im sure we could all use a Fawn to make our days just a bit brighter.

Badger
Artist
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8 comments
# 2   Posted: Jun 2 2018, 01:38 PM
This is so cute!! I love the colors used, the pages are so vibrant and are really nice to to look at! I enjoyed it a lot!!

yarnwitch
Artist
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166 comments
# 1   Posted: Jun 2 2018, 01:26 PM
Oh wow! This was so stinkin' cute! Good job you guys! I like how there was like, a full blend of styles here too! It's awesome!

Comic Details -

 
Drawing Time: 1 week
Ended: Jun 8th, 2018
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