TW: Self Harm and Suicide
Hey guys.
I am glad this topic was brought up, because. Well. You all know I am a serial defaulter.
So I feel somewhat relieved to know that some of us are starting to acknowledge the difference between encouragement, and humiliation.
Um.
I’ve been going on and off VOID in a constant circle. You’ve seen me in Art Jams, and I even applied for Armageddon ’17.
That said, I haven’t done a 1v1 battle in a while, because, as Monday mentioned, I feel dread when I fail to deliver a comic.
About 4 or so years ago, I started showing symptoms of what seemed to be limited to Mood Swings, Lack of Tolerance, Rage Outbursts, Self Harm out of Guilt, and Suicidal Behaviour (Which turned out to really be Deperssion, but I wasn't diagnosed until 1 year ago. I've been getting better, but I still have my slumps and fallbacks)
I believe it was around the time Comic Clashes between otakutaylor and Gregly were on my to-do list.
If you all recall, I managed to draw EXACTLY 2 shitty page comics . Out of fear of defaulting completely.
It took a toll on me.
Because I knew I would get whiplash from the community either way.
And that is the thing about “YOU DEAD ASS OWE THE PERSON YOU FOUGHT A SOLID”
We all are aware of this.
And adding to that. This is exactly how Depression works.
You feel like garbage for not being able to deliver anything. You feel guilty for accepting a challenge, or opening one. You already feel the humiliation you’ll have to go through in the site for delivering drafts/sketches/unfinished works.
That internal conflict, ends up burning all energy you had left to work on the comic. And it gets worse, because the Guilt Circle never ends.
The thought of “I guess it is a Dog eat Dog world here in VOID” eventually appeared.
So with that in mind, I started playing a more aggressive role in here, and other sites.
What was the result? It backfired with spectacular results.
Nowadays, things like passive aggressive dialogue to “encourage”, doesn’t work like it did.
Perhaps we lost the ability to “grow a spine”.
But if that is the case, why don’t we take the chance to grow a Tender Heart?
I believe that is what Sabu might be feeling too when saying we should definitely take into consideration asking first a "Are you okay?"
Now.
It is being mentioned by Monday, when having a Depressive Episode, it is a good idea to talk offsite to 2 or 3 people about it.
By saying so, I hope you also have the idea in mind of “Talking offsite with 2 or 3 people about how disappointed you feel about someone defaulting”.
Monday, if I read it right, you also tend to suffer from the Mental Illness that has been constantly mentioned.
If so, I would have thought you to be a tad more compasisonate towards others, as you know exactly what Hell it is to live with Depression.
I apologize if this ends up as an attack to you, Monday. While not my intention to be rude, I want you to acknowledge how irritated I got by several comments you added.
I do not wish any animosity to arise between us, because it would be quite the hypocrisy attitude of me to completely devaluate what I just wrote.
einsam
Colbitzer
@ 3:32 PM Apr 17th