Sumiko Nakatomi vs. Keito

Sumiko Nakatomi vs. Keito

53.8%
372 points
Page 1Page 2Page 3Page 4Page 5

Crit level: In-depth critique preferred

46.2%
320 points
Page 1Page 2Page 3

Crit level: Open to any comments or critiques



Critiques & Comments
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Kozispoon
Approval Committee
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1045 comments
# 10   Posted: Jan 25 2019, 07:09 PM
YARN- I was surprised by your format. I didn't expect you to work on such a small page, but it was a nice change to see. Impressed you got as much story as you did with such reduced constraints.
You got some good angles (especially the shot of Keito looming over Sumiko on the I beam. With the height you managed, I'm disappointed to find you didn't utilize the size of your page to enhance the fall. The events pile together on your page in an effort to fit, the fall doesn't have that bang that I think the impact was supposed to have.

JELLYRAPTOR- You got some really great flow and motion with panels that are pretty static. That's no mean feat! I especially love that first page. The flow of the melody leading us into getting a look at Sumiko was really pretty. I unfortunately don't have much to say on the story as I feel we didn't even get there. For what its worth,your build up was promising. I only wish we got to see the guitar off.



yarnwitch
Think Tank
icon
277 comments
# 9   Posted: Jan 24 2019, 03:02 PM
ArtsandGoodies: Yarn: Those 5 pages in one day is amazing and you're super strong as an artist to be able to do all that. I also love this inkwash style of this. I am a little confusedc as to what happened on page 3 since to me it looks like Keito is what causes the gurder to drop yet is somehow faster than it and able to get sumiko out of the way. I will also say Sumiko is not a likable character her but I feel like that may be what you're going for, right now she's kind of a bitch and angry at everyone. Now if you want to make her likable there are a couple ways you can do that (of-course likability is super subjective but i hope these ideas can help). The first couple ideas I would have mainly involve selfawareness on her end realizing how much of a bitch she is. In the first idea she is aware of it an enjoys it doubling down and being more exaggerated if you want her to stay an unlikable character this way she can be unlikable but more fun/interesting. The second one would be more serious where she realizes she's such a bitch and has to come to terms with it in ways that result in some sort of pain for her. There are plently of other ways you can take her but those are the first two i thought of and if you want her to remain unlikable that is also legitimate.
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I appreciate the feedback! And yeah, he's what caused it to fall, but its an accident, i think i could have made that more clear with an extra panel that showed him falling or slipping off before the girder comes loose. Knowing whats essential and what isnt is difficult. I think i have a habit of showing too little cause I dont want it to become too drawn out.

Sumiko's personality is intentionally abrasive, she needs to keep people from liking her. It will develop a bit over time. I appreciate the tips!

SirJellyRaptor
Artist
icon
54 comments
# 8   Posted: Jan 23 2019, 10:57 PM


      Edited Jan 24 2019,  03:51 AM by SirJellyRaptor

SirJellyRaptor
Artist
icon
54 comments
# 7   Posted: Jan 23 2019, 10:55 PM
Thanks again for the battle, Yarn. It was a blast ^^

Heathen:  Introducing an enticing wager of some Russian roulette guitar game right at the end only makes the abrupt end more frustrating. But for one day, this amount and quality of work is fantastic, so feel good about it.

If you approach a longer deadline with the same enthusiasm, you’ll have no trouble turning out some fantastic battles.
Quote

I was also very dissapointed that I didn't get to delve into the "meat" of the battle. I am hoping to finished it as a BB sometime.  And that I had already thought about that last point. I didn't finish, but I got 3 pages out in a single day, which is faster than my previous output. Honestly it's exciting for me.

      Edited Jan 23 2019,  10:57 PM by SirJellyRaptor

ArtsandGoodies
Think Tank
icon
215 comments
# 6   Posted: Jan 23 2019, 09:28 PM
Yarn: Those 5 pages in one day is amazing and you're super strong as an artist to be able to do all that. I also love this inkwash style of this. I am a little confusedc as to what happened on page 3 since to me it looks like Keito is what causes the gurder to drop yet is somehow faster than it and able to get sumiko out of the way. I will also say Sumiko is not a likable character her but I feel like that may be what you're going for, right now she's kind of a bitch and angry at everyone. Now if you want to make her likable there are a couple ways you can do that (of-course likability is super subjective but i hope these ideas can help). The first couple ideas I would have mainly involve selfawareness on her end realizing how much of a bitch she is. In the first idea she is aware of it an enjoys it doubling down and being more exaggerated if you want her to stay an unlikable character this way she can be unlikable but more fun/interesting. The second one would be more serious where she realizes she's such a bitch and has to come to terms with it in ways that result in some sort of pain for her. There are plently of other ways you can take her but those are the first two i thought of and if you want her to remain unlikable that is also legitimate.

Jelly: Even these sketches are nice and clean, your art in general is really amazing. I feel like it has been a consistent problem of your that your pacing and scale of comics is too much for the timelines you have. Now that you know what you can do in 1 day I want to see you adjust your stories to that and accommodate for it. I also want to see you do more one days so you can work on this more, and also since it does feel good to a completed comic done in one day and i know you have expressed disasfaction with the lack of comics you had in void. So doing 1 day battles will hopefully be the solution for you and your art is great even in this sketch format. I look forward to more one days when you can prepare for a day off to spend on one comic.

yarnwitch
Think Tank
icon
277 comments
# 5   Posted: Jan 22 2019, 10:18 AM
Thank you Jelly for fighting me! ♥♥♥

Heathen: Yarn: Really nice work getting 5 pages done in 1 day! Page 3 is the obvious highlight, both in its art and story impact. I gotta say, I don’t like Sumiko very much here. She’s just relentlessly angry from the get-go, and we don’t actually see her react to Chas’ revelation that she was gone for a whole two months. She curses loudly into the phone at him, and seems just entirely pissed off that he would care where she was (even if calling her phone an average of 5 times a day over that time IS a bit much).

I also would have liked to know just what Keito was looking for. A less vague line there would have sufficed.
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Ah yeah! That's understandable. I am trying to push Sumiko to a breaking point in upcoming comics, so I've needed her to be more on-edge since the fight with Park, and especially since Egg-dealer. I think I need to do some wrap-up BBs for her so I can tell it in a way that makes more sense.
Part of Keito's vagueness was my fault. I actually had no idea what he'd have been looking for, but I did know he ends up in places looking for things (cats) based on previous battles. I think I need to get more comfortable asserting things about other people's characters. I am very used to seeing "this wasn't in character" comments on the site overall since I've been here and it does make me hesitant to push too much in my narratives. Thank you for pointing that out.

Radji: yarn: You managed to do a whole story in one day, nice! your B&W comic making is improving, and while you clearly couldn't completly finish it, it's still complete. The story also help see clearly in which direction Sumiko is evolving.
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YAY thank you! I hope its all worth it when she gets where she needs to be!

      Edited Jan 22 2019,  10:27 AM by yarnwitch

Heathen
Artist
icon
296 comments
# 4   Posted: Jan 20 2019, 03:27 PM
Yarn: Really nice work getting 5 pages done in 1 day! Page 3 is the obvious highlight, both in its art and story impact. I gotta say, I don’t like Sumiko very much here. She’s just relentlessly angry from the get-go, and we don’t actually see her react to Chas’ revelation that she was gone for a whole two months. She curses loudly into the phone at him, and seems just entirely pissed off that he would care where she was (even if calling her phone an average of 5 times a day over that time IS a bit much).

I also would have liked to know just what Keito was looking for. A less vague line there would have sufficed.

Jelly: It’s too bad you couldn’t finish this scene; even a little rough, these pages are pretty great. Introducing an enticing wager of some Russian roulette guitar game right at the end only makes the abrupt end more frustrating. But for one day, this amount and quality of work is fantastic, so feel good about it.

If you approach a longer deadline with the same enthusiasm, you’ll have no trouble turning out some fantastic battles.

Radji
Artist
icon
518 comments
# 3   Posted: Jan 20 2019, 01:37 PM
yarn: You managed to do a whole story in one day, nice! your B&W comic making is improving, and while you clearly couldn't completly finish it, it's still complete. The story also help see clearly in which direction Sumiko is evolving.

SirJellyRaptor: shame we didn't see more, because it had me hooked. Nice art, even as roughs it's easy to read. I really would have loved to see a musical battle.

SirJellyRaptor
Artist
icon
54 comments
# 2   Posted: Jan 20 2019, 07:45 AM
Wow, this was really something, these one day battles are a doozy. I bit off a bit more than I could chew with this one and could only get 3 pages done, and I needed a few more to get the full plot in that I had in mind. Even so this was fun and it feels good to be making comics again, thank you yarn for agreeing to battle with me and being so enthusiastic about it the whole way through!

yarnwitch
Think Tank
icon
277 comments
# 1   Posted: Jan 20 2019, 07:38 AM
I had a lot of fun with this, but my overall goal is to see if i've improved in storytelling and pacing. If y'all could do me a favor when you crit and focus on that, and as well as if its not ideal pacing, please try to give me examples of how to improve? Sometimes it helps me best to visualize it, so even a quick scribble overtop for panel movement would be great, thanks!

I am also aware ahead of time that my handwritten text is not ideal, but time constraints!

      Edited Jan 20 2019,  08:00 AM by yarnwitch

Comic Details -

 
Drawing Time: 1 week
Ended: Jan 26th, 2019
Votes Cast: 19
Page Views: 739
Winner: yarnwitch
 

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