Tsumi vs. Jessie Valley

Tsumi vs. Jessie Valley

66.8%
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Crit level: No preference

by Energy

33.2%
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Happy December 17th! -Reecer6
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224 comments
# 11   Posted: Jul 10 2018, 12:52 AM
Tay: The linework you've completed in this is super tight! But maybe that's just because it's mainly muscles, thinking emoji. It's a shame you didn't finish the rest of this, at least to a point that I can fully understand what's going on. There's a gun somewhere there, I think, maybe? Concurring with the thought that you really boiled Jessie down in this, being all impulsive with a one-track mind. Unfortunate we're not going to see much more Tsumi's internal struggles with how retribution is handled, considering the skeletal hand knocking at the door.

Energy: Yeaaaah, even if this were finished, it's not looking very good. Alright, compositionally, let's look at this: There's an establishing shot of a street which is rather flat. The street probably shouldn't be completely parallel to the shot - typically, you're going to want a view from one end of the street to establish its place within a city. That's because it'll let it lie on some nice perspective lines on which you can craft the entire scene, giving a nice volume to everything, and also because we can tell what's on both sides of the street. Here we're just getting some lines, and A building. Where there isn't a building is... seemingly a cliff face into a city backdrop. I think you want to put... the ground there? Otherwise, it just looks like we reach the horizon, which shouldn't be just across the street, or else the Earth is shockingly small.

Sorry, that's a lot of focus on one panel, but there's important conceptual stuff about how to set a background I feel like you need to keep in mind. Next, we have two panels that are functionally and tonally identical, of Jessie walking intently towards the back of someone's head. I don't know what the second one is supposed to establish here that the first one doesn't, because the only differences I can spot are the camera angles and Jessie's mouth being open. Then, Jessie has completed her march, asking the back of the head (who we are seeing from the exact same angle as the last two panels, which you really ought to mix up, because it feels flat out odd when the camera's changing but one element manages to look identical) why *he* is following *her*. This is weird, because Jessie is the one approaching him! If you meant to start this comic with Jessie's accusation, and not have us see this man follow him, this should've been the first line, as the other two panels are just an awkward pause before anything happens. If they were supposed to depict him following her in lead up to the dialogue, well... they don't look like that at all. You could've gotten creative with POV shots as Jessie moves through the city and the police officer followers from an obscure, far away location.

Page 2, we get the back of his head again. This is one of the really weird things about this comic. As far as we know by this point, this is just a mannequin. Jessie asks about him not talking, which seems to point to that explicitly being something weird you want the reader to be asking about. But we never LEARN anything about this person, or get so much of a whiff of their emotions. So, we never have anything to even hypothesize about why he's not talking. It doesn't have to be anything important or plot relevant, it could just be that he's nervous and didn't expect to be found out. But if Jessie's going to point out his silence as something unexpected, we need to know why he was being silent. The panel with the punch is alright! Except that I'm a bit confused with how the camera continues to be parallel to the road, as it does across the entire comic?  Please please mix up your angles, because that means all our panels featuring the background were SHOT IDENTICALLY, which is super boring. Jessie walking in the next panel is fine, although you could definitely push her emotions, as someone who just punched a dude. Running into Tsumi - this is relatively minor, but it's weird that she's leaning forward, like she was aiming for Tsumi. I think what you'd typically do for this shot is bury her nose in the thing she's walked into, stick her right flat into it. If anything, she should be leaning back, as her legs continue with their momentum.

Page 3. I think you want this shot to be taken from an ant's view, to push Tsumi's enormity, because the eye-level shot feels too matter-of-fact. That might also help give you more of Jessie to work with, so that you can push her body posture and convey what she's feeling after having run into some kinda giganto-lord. Panel 2 is... just a zoomed in shot of panel 1, which emphasizes why panel 1 should be different. Very minor, but: she should probably be looking downward? We've just seen she's got over a head on Jessie, this looks more like she's staring blankly into the distance. And here, I'm going to talk more about your dialogue here.

"I hate cops because they hurt me."

"I like cops because they help me."

This is framed in a sense that feels like they're about to start waxing political, as I tend to do to strangers on the street, but both Jessie and Tsumi here have such close-minded misunderstanding of the fact that other people experience different things that it's kind of comedic (also tsumi's problem should really be "oh my god you assaulted a police officer for no reason" not "i disagree that we should outwardly and violently revolt against the keepers of the peace") I'd complain that the discussion lasted 3 sentences, and that the subject was underexplored, but it's kind of fair because they almost feel like they can't comprehend the other's argument enough to actually maintain a debate any further than that.

And then there's Jessie punching Tsumi and cold clocking her in one, which, as mentioned, is unrealistic, but not only because Tsumi's a beefcake, but also because she's got a foot and a half over Jessie. In this next shot, combined with the fact that Jessie is leaning forward, Tsumi almost appears shorter than her in order to get a clean and powerful blow. I think that's continuity and reality telling you politely Jessie Just Cannot Do This Thing. And then Jessie runs away in a pose you do a lot, that I've always felt was really weird - I think one part of it is that her back and neck is arched up, when really while running you arch down if anything. The back arm should also probably be a little bent. And then... I don't have any problems on the last panel.

That's not really touching on how the overarching story is, uh... conflictless... and it's quite a lay into you, but there's just a lot of just, Things you really should put into practice. This doesn't really help you on a fundamental level, I know, but I've never been good at finding that. Maybe if you just keep putting suggestions to execution, you'll have the epiphany you need. :/

Hellis
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168 comments
# 10   Posted: Jul 6 2018, 04:32 AM
Oh yeah, totally was Kazue, my oopsie.

otakutaylor
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173 comments
# 9   Posted: Jul 5 2018, 10:54 PM
If I ever get over whatever funk I'm in that stalled this comic 5 days in, I'll see if I can finish this proper. ^_^ and to clarify, yes Satins recent murders are what put her on the list, but I don't recall seeing any specific media coverage of those murders being her handiwork (or at least, I missed it). Tsumi as of now, thinks it's old data or a mistake that she's back on the polices shit list. and it's not as if Satin would walk up and just tell Tsumi she's out murdering again, especially since she stalked her during the summer collab. hehe.

PyrasTerran
Community Manager
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1392 comments
# 8   Posted: Jul 5 2018, 04:44 PM
Otakutaylor: Of course I dig this comic and its Retribution focus. One hole I feel is with Satin, since it's her recent murders that have her on the list now (I think it was Kazue and Eva who you were thinking of Hellis?) but it's still a great look at Tsumi's position on the situation, and while I might be taken aback by any other character attacking Tsumi all of a sudden like that, this IS jessie Valley. It's a serious shame you couldn't finish this comic, I would love to see it finished in its entirety.

Energy: Lol Jessie's aggro is a trip, but I don't believe she could punch Tsumi's lights out (maybe kick with her robot leg, you shoulda gone with that)

Hellis
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168 comments
# 7   Posted: Jul 5 2018, 04:38 PM
Tay: I enjoyed the comic despite being unfinished. I couldn't give the quality a high score obviusly but man, did I LOVE your writing. Thats the kind of introspective yet large scale discussion void so sorely lack. One gripe, Jesses reaction to Satin was to subdued. Don't forget, Jesses friend was killed in plain sight of her. Instead of a "eh wut?" look, she should have been stone cold furius. It could have helped with the build up for her attacking Tsumi.

Shen
Global Moderator
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1240 comments
# 6   Posted: Jul 4 2018, 03:04 PM
TAY im sorry it fell apart, it was looking so good!! I love Tsumi's compassion to Jessie's aggression. I'm glad your thumbs are clear enough that we can still basically follow the action, I like when Tsumi pinned Jessie down with the weights lol that had such strong impact. I wish this was more finished but what you have looks good.
energy: i dont for a moment believe Jessie could cold-cock Tsumi like that lol

otakutaylor
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173 comments
# 5   Posted: Jul 4 2018, 02:59 PM
Thank you Yarn. heh, and here I was worried I was being to rash with Jessie. ^_^

yarnwitch
Think Tank
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236 comments
# 4   Posted: Jul 3 2018, 08:02 AM
OKAY.
@Taylor - dude, that started off strong, no pun intended. I felt the personality of Jessie come through really strong here and i appreciate that you did that for your opponent. Even the unfinished stuff is pretty clear for me to read, and i am happy that you finished the speech bubbles so we could get all of the plot. A good comic!

@Energy - *sigh* okay. I'm not going to touch art on this one because the thing that made me really sad about this was the writing. I know it was a few short pages, and I know Jessie has her issues she needs to deal with, but this fell really flat.
In this comic, Jessie complains. She punches a cop out with no repercussions. Then Tsumi appears to be the "conflict" but she is taken out by Jessie in what also seems to be a single punch. TSUMI. IN A SINGLE PUNCH. no conflict at all. And then Jessie at the end of her comic just completely got her way that day, with no consequences or anything, and she lets us know she's gonna do more.
I'm sorry energy but this is definitely some of your weakest writing. I hope everything is going okay and that you'll come back strong for your next comic! Your faces are getting better, and your paneling is actually really readable and nice!

Energy
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116 comments
# 3   Posted: Jun 11 2018, 11:13 AM
RETRIBUTION

otakutaylor
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173 comments
# 2   Posted: Jun 11 2018, 11:10 AM
Match just got a little more interesting~
RETRIBUTION

JCee
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344 comments
# 1   Posted: Jun 11 2018, 10:13 AM
HYPED ~

Comic Details -

 
Drawing Time: 2 weeks
Ended: Jul 9th, 2018
Votes Cast: 15
Page Views: 434
Winner: otakutaylor

 

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