Fawn and Detroit vs. Black Swan

Fawn and Detroit vs. Black Swan

360 points
Page 1Page 2Page 3Page 4Page 5Page 6Page 7Page 8Page 9Page 10Page 11Page 12Page 13Page 14Page 15Page 16Page 17Page 18Page 19

Crit level: No preference

by JCee

399 points
Page 1Page 2Page 3Page 4Page 5Page 6Page 8

Crit level: No preference

Critiques & Comments
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Think Tank
# 11   Posted: Jul 9 2018, 12:02 AM
Desi: this was a really good first attempt at horror In particular you really nailed the color changes making for a good contrast. Even without the contrast the creepy pallet works very good on it's own and can work by itself as well. I do also really like how you had Swan get shot, it was a nice surprise of violence and doing even more extreme stuff in the future will be cool to see coming from you and pleasantly surprising and unnerving.
However the pacing was a bit off in this. Actually it may more so be the choice of panel focus rather than the pacing. Like on Page 14, the panel showing the assassins is the smallest one yet they are supposed to be an oppressive force that swan and fawn are hiding from. Like the steps should be surrounding them and nearly crushing them, of if you had like multiple huge panels of those steps surrounding smaller panels of Swan and Fawn it have have gotten the point across better. You often like having your characters be big and infocus but you should work on some layouts were the characters are oppressed and trapped by the area they're in. That will help give a bigger sense of dread.
Along with composition you need to get more wild with your layout. besides a couple mult-image pages like the one on page 11 and the one panel break on page 13 everything else is just squares and rectangles, which is easy to read and comprehend. Which is uninteresting and not something you want for a horror comic. You should at least have some panels with diagonals to give a better sense of action going on throughout the page. On top of that you should try even more experimental layouts that completely mess with the page. Basically everything should be unnerving and not feel samey in your comic, even the panels.

Jay: Your art is amazing and you have such an amazing ability with this cyanotype style that I always enjoy seeing it. Also the story was pretty cute as well with both characters being well done.

Global Moderator
# 10   Posted: Jul 6 2018, 07:07 PM
Desi: did Swan KNOW she was going for a babysitting job? thats a little unclear lol. I love the colours! the switch from light to dark was amazing. i do agree for the darker, more sinister scenes, the sparkles probably dont work as well for the mood, though i love them in the brighter happy scenes. The weird little inkboi kidnappers may have been more intimidating without the sparkles (cute, tho lol). Youve got a style to the way you do backgrounds that i dont dislike but they seem to get a bit flattened out, maybe its the odd perspective or the way you do shadows, but Swan summoning her wind in the kitchen looked like a stage backdrop, though i did want to add that the gun on page nine is like super well drawn lol good job. The inkbois just leaving at the end even though the place was surrounded with helicopters seemed a bit anticlimactic. but finally, AYY THERES DETROIT! i know youve been looking forward to introducing him. ill reserve judgement on that later but i hope you'll explain in time why hes staying with the Nightingales. I look forward to what youre planning for him!

JAY: you draw such a cute Fawn!!! I love the backgrounds and your use of spotblacks and greytone, felt very full and the characters fit well into the space. This is really good, I actually have nothing real to crit lol this is just an all around good comic!

Approval Committee
# 9   Posted: Jul 6 2018, 05:07 PM
desi, first of all CUTE and fun comic. to me it looks like you put a lot of your time into the rendering, which is not a bad thing. your colors and shading on the characters is great. your bgs and linework however are lacking, imo. I think it's very apparent in your first establishing shot. the castle, road, clouds, etc all have the same line weight and color and it really flattens out the image. there's also shading on the.. sky? rainbow? and it looks like a flat backdrop.
another thing I would be aware of is tangents! I see a lot of characters bumped up right against panel borders. I would also agree with the comment about sparkles. use them selectively so they have more impact!
page 15 I had no idea what I was looking at, the bed was pretty abstract. last crit, I would say I think this could have been condensed. as mentioned by others I really want to see you quality go up in other areas of your work! imo decreasing page count would grant you that. the tonal shifts in your comic work great though and I think you nailed the creepy vibe. I'm curious who they are and why they want this poor girl dead! and, really great comic overall for just two weeks!!

jaykat I thought this was really sweet! I spy a few little mishaps in anatomy and line work that have already been mentioned, but overall it feels very consistent. I do like the monochrome color! it gives it a very chilly vibe, which I think fits for a big empty studio in a winter castle. nice work!

Community Manager
# 8   Posted: Jul 5 2018, 04:52 PM
Nice stories, both of you

Desichan: the amount of polish going into your character designs is starting to reveal a wider gap between your skill with drawing characters cutely and giving that same love and attention to the backgrounds. For your next battle I would like to see the backgrounds given as much love as the characters

JayKat: Very solid and the word-bubbles are noticeably well-placed for the most part which is a big deal around here. For Pascaline's wind powers I think it will benefit you more to have them be on their own semi-transparent layer to better give off the "wind" aspect of it; without knowing what her powers are already, by this comic alone it looks like she controls some magical fire. Windy sound effects could also help sell this point

keep it up you two

# 7   Posted: Jul 5 2018, 04:44 PM
Desi: I am gonna more or less agree with Croco here. When you wish to switch mood and tone, you will have to sacrifice certain favored aesthetics. On the flip side, if you do this, sometihng like the lack of sparkles will have impact on that alone, seeing how its your trademark. Its a little easy trick to convey "Oh snap, its REALLY bad now"

Jaycat: Big fan of your art in this one. Not much I got to say other then you prolly would have gotten a extra point if it was in color, it felt it would have put this comic even further up art wise. Echoing Croco, the last pages didn't have the same love dedicated to them, and the surroundings were to sparse.

# 6   Posted: Jul 2 2018, 10:59 PM
Desi - So I wanna try a real crit this time, be ready for harshness.  First i didn't like the fact that everyone is sparkly for this one. I would have loved the spooky shadow chases, but characters being sparkly kinda detracts from the horror. Fortunately you did amazing with color-changes to change the mood of scene. The writing here is acceptable, but has some unnecessary chatter (marigold intimidating could just be one) and not enough important stuff, like what Swan thinks about the shadows, or whether she cares for the child's well-being outside of being paid and not dying herself. Very solid effort though, so hope you use this chance to learn.

Jaykat - I really liked this.  It's a simple story, but well-written, well-paced and told in an exciting manner (especially pg6!).  I really dig the diferent perspective shots, even if some poses get a little wonky in the process (swan, bottom pg2).  I would have liked color, but monochrome certainly works fine here, giving an oldtimey vibe.  Finally the very last panel felt rushed. When no characters are present, the scenery is center-stage, so it deserves almost as much love as your characters.  Hope that helps you guys, and apologies again if anything here sounded dumb or unreasonable.  I am still quite new!

Think Tank
# 5   Posted: Jul 2 2018, 05:41 PM

I had a lot of fun battling you, and like... THANK YOU FOR SUCH A GOOD FIGHT!!!

      Edited Jul 2 2018,  05:42 PM by Desichan

# 4   Posted: Jul 1 2018, 10:35 PM
FAWN V SWAN! His is gonna be real cute ^-^

# 3   Posted: Jul 1 2018, 10:28 PM
Uploaded and ready to go.

Honestly, I don't feel like I gave it my best here this round, but I hope you like it Desi. Can't wait to read your side ~

Community Manager
# 2   Posted: Jun 11 2018, 11:46 AM
Nightingale vs Swan!  BIRD FIGHT

Think Tank
# 1   Posted: Jun 11 2018, 11:20 AM
Eeeeee! I can't wait to have these two meet, this is gonna be a fun fight!

Rich friends! >w<///

Good luck Jcee!!!

      Edited Jun 11 2018,  11:21 AM by Desichan

Comic Details -

Drawing Time: 2 weeks
Ended: Jul 9th, 2018
Votes Cast: 19
Page Views: 974
Winner: JCee

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