Intro Story / Sanari binte Abbas

Intro Story — Sanari binte Abbas

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Critiques & Comments
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# 12   Posted: Jan 10 2014, 05:58 PM
    It seems like you're just shading with black/grey/whatever throughout the whole comic, and you totally know better than that dude. Also, you have Sanari's dad either made of or surrounded by blue flames throughout the comic, and yet the light he's casting on other people is completely normal. It really weakens the effect.

      Also, I think if you're gonna do silly comedy comics, you're gonna need to get a little more extreme with your characters facial expressions. Start using a little more deformation to heighten the mood. Look at how willing you are to stretch and move Houndhouse's face! It makes his expression read so much clearer and stronger. Though I totally liked SmugDad on the last page, haha.

      I's great to see you trying a new kind of story dude, especially something as difficult as comedy.

Community Manager
# 11   Posted: Jan 6 2014, 05:10 PM
Thanks everyone for the critiques and enthusiasm. When I jumped back on this, I was in the middle of a breakup, which really dragged me and my art down for a while. This ended up taking much longer than it should have and I'm not at all satisfied with it, but I just wanted it over so I can start on new comics. I'll try to keep everyone's advice in mind in future installments. Thanks again~

Approval Committee
# 10   Posted: Jan 6 2014, 05:50 AM
Right off the bat, I notice your artwork feels more loosey goosey than usual. I'm still undecided if its slipped into the realm of outright sloppy, but I do agree with previous commentators that technical aspects of your art could use some tightening.

I really dug the introduction to these two- especially the convenient bystander with wizardy eyes- definitely made me laugh. I would take the 'show dont tell' advice to heart though, but seeing as I have a fighter who never talks, I didn't wanna be the first one to say it. XD Glad it was mentioned. You have not one, but two fighters so seeing them in action would definitely draw the eye better than just seeing them argue. That said, I absolutely LOVE how the Father speaks. It's so appropriate. So fitting!

I want ot see more, most def, but I'd love to see more with the advice given in the comments thus far. Especially Bad Ideas. Got some good stuff here. Let it compel you to shut us up by coming into your next battle strong!

A Bad Idea
# 9   Posted: Jan 4 2014, 12:24 PM
I think the one thing that rubs me wrong the most about this comic is the dialogue. You have a tense scene here that basically explains itself pretty well, but you use SO much dialogue to attempt to convey that. It slogs the whole thing down to a crawl, and the tension is immediately lost when every character has to literally explain what's happening, rather than letting the viewer figure it out on their own. The dialogue in this comic also reflects a more persistent flaw in your writing; characters don't "act" so much as they spew exposition on every frame. In fact, the three thugs LITERALLY act as plot devices to awkwardly explain what's happening, rather than letting the event run its course. This is an EXTREMELY bad case of "telling" rather than "showing", and it's a shame to see otherwise interesting characters reduced into one-dimensional plot dispensers.

# 8   Posted: Jan 4 2014, 02:19 AM
Your backgrounds feel incredibly lazy. Your perspective is all over the place or nonexistent in most places, and a lot of your lines aren't remotely steady. The brick work on the red building feels like you just slapped it on. All of the lines on it are skewed and feel rushed. On page 1 panel 2, the lines on the sidewalk are actually squiggles. They wave and curve all over. Even your extra characters come off really lazy, the third panel of page 2 specifically. There is almost nothing to suggest any form of depth on Houndhouse, and his clothes looks like a paper cut out.

Page 3 panel 3, the perspective is all over the place and looks like you really didn't try. The building across the road is existing on the same plane as the brickwork building, which is supposed to be facing two entirely different directions.

The effort in this is disappointing. I know you can do better than this, and I hope to see it in your battles.

      Edited Jan 4 2014,  02:25 AM by GPS-Device

Cracking Skulls
Global Moderator
# 7   Posted: Jan 4 2014, 02:13 AM
From what I've seen on this intro story, I feel that your background characters are kind of lazy. Not in concept, I can accept the concept and design of them, but mostly is how you hastily drew them. Page 1 panel 3 is a good example as Houndhouse and G. Wiz is completely flat when it comes to drawing out his own body. They may be just side characters but it's also important to give them some care when drawing them out.

I also noticed that your BG needs a bit more detail in this comic. Throughout the comic, Your characters are surrounded by possibly the cleanest city in Void record. I would advise to give them some more creases, scratches, dirt, cracks, trees, cars, whatever you usually see in a city to give your environment more feel for an urban area.

With that said, I do look forward to Sanari's story being told in void, but I will agree with Pocky, more showing than telling; You don't need to write everything down for Sanari before actually drawing it, it takes away the fun for the audience to be excited to see what else will happen in her story next. Hope to see new comics!

# 6   Posted: Jan 3 2014, 09:35 PM
This was one of the best intro stories I've read so far. Great work.

Fred v2.0.1
# 5   Posted: Jan 3 2014, 10:13 AM

# 4   Posted: Jan 3 2014, 09:48 AM
As a note, please shorten your character description. It's full of unnecessary sentences and sentences that can be shortened. Also, with so much information in your character description, I think it would have been more appropriate to draw it out in comics instead of writing it out first. Don't want to spoil the fun!

The Bent One
# 3   Posted: Jan 3 2014, 08:03 AM
Finally! I can already see these guys being super fun to fight. Lots of potential conflict and comedy. I do hope you will be working in more of the Djinn mythology.

At some point, Zedan's gonna have to fight these guys. PREPARE YOURSELF.

# 2   Posted: Jan 3 2014, 01:30 AM
Another Pyras character! This isn't as polished as your usual works, but it's good to see you with a new character, and the looser style could work out for you if you really experiment with it and see how much you refine it.

You know the drill, go battle some people.

# 1   Posted: Jan 2 2014, 10:39 PM
where did this one pop up from, these new characters are popping up like daisies

Comic Details -

Ended: Jan 9th, 2014
Votes Cast: 24
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