Fetus! Doing this page by page.
1: The opening is fantastic, it grabs your attention and the monologue stands out from the crowd. I instantly know that Thriller is a synaesthetic from it. Or at least, associates stuff weirdly. It makes his character stand out.
The transition from Thriller's view to street level could have been smoothed out with some small sfx like "givemeyourwallet" or "mugging!" on the that middle panel.
The shot of Thriller should have been of him hitting the floor, with him leaping off in the panel before it. That would have given the entrance more impact and less of a "oh he's hovering look". Action is always more powerful if you show the consequences.
2: You have a slight enviroment shift here, it was shown in the previous page that there was a large warehouse which has now shortened enough for us to see the corners not too far from Prof. Blight. Be more mindful of that next time. The panel where Thriller kicks clueless thug into the concrete could have been angled more, thus generating greater impact. This page is also where we are introduced to Blight, and it's done very matter of fact-ly. Not sure if you if wanted it as such or not, but you could have made his response more... interesting? I'm not sure.
3: "Drink Place"? Really? You can do better than that. This feels like you couldn't think of something, and wrote it in as a place holder.
I don't know if Thriller would ask what was in the bag, it seems rather straight forward and nosy, perhaps he would ask "what were they after? money?" and Blight would reply with "Zey need not bother, all I carry is the tools of my trade" and then continue it from there.
I do like the bar environment, although you have that shifting background environment again in that last panel. The wall wasn't that close when you introduced us to the environment a few panels ago. Keep that in mind, as it can be disconcerting.
you also could have had Thriller having a drink in that last panel, or at least nursing it. Otherwise it's very standard layout.
4: Environment changes again! Not sure what's where anymore but it's all nicely drawn. You probably could have pushed the nefariousness of Blight's powers here, maybe distorted the lines outside the watch? At the moment the dialogue is carrying all of the intonation as Thriller doesn't really look effected (more bemused/sceptical).
5: Nice transition from the last page to this one, solid work. That action shot is also awesome.
6: That second panel seems to lack impact, however I am unsure how else it could be done. You appear to be more confident with action scenes, you keep the environment in mind much more with them, Certainly.#
7: The two panels at the top could be balanced better. I feel like more space should have been given over to the slide, at the moment it feels like you gave it less importance than the "we will finish this" line.
Ohey CopLayd! Where did she come from? Without prior knowledge of Thriller's background, this appearence seems sudden. Where how did she get there? Why? We see the bartender phoning the police, presumably the police anyway and then roughly 2 seconds later she appears. If you'd shown her in the bar as well, or maybe passing by with the "Drinks Place" shot it would make more sense but at the moment she just appears.
8: That top panel is sex. I love busy panels that also have super clarity. You could however had have had some galsses on the floor/spilled beer, as there is no evidence of their tussle having occurred. Backgrounds tell the story too.
I was going to say the last panel wasn't necessary, but it does lead up to the later events more smoothly. Just doesn't feel that interesting in comparison to the other comics.
9: Nothing much to say here, the cops are bland and uninteresting and we feel no connection to them. Also one of them doesn't speak or have any character we can tell, so for all we know he's a cardboard cutout.
10: That second panel should have been bigger. Or at least using some more space for the SZHOOOM lights.
Why did the van flip over front end first? It'd be far more realistic to have it hit another car and rollover, which would also give the van more weight. Also the doors being blasted off would fit the violence much more, rather than just being opened.
11: Hmm, that white panel is very non indicative of what's occuring. It lacks alot of detail that are in other panels, maybe you could have had Blight disappear differently. it's certainly better than having him just fly off.
BUT
I think it would be better, and far more sinister for us to look into the van and see it empty save for the policeman's helmets and Blight's watch. Something to that effect would have been far more effective. Comics are about what you don't show as much as what you do. Ok, maybe not as much. But it's still important.
THERE
Alot of this is very minor, you did one of the strongest battles I've seen and I really want to see more work from you.
Thriller Miller vs. Dr. Wilhelm Blight
Critiques & Comments
# 13
Posted:
May 26 2012, 02:18 PM
# 12
Posted:
May 26 2012, 02:18 PM
Kent:
I loved the premise of this comic, and you do well with a short page count.
The pink has been addressed, I think a more subdued colour would have been much more appropriate. As it stands, the pink is both eye rapey and has a tendency to mask some of the detail in the comic.
The pacing does seem a little quick, and Prof. Blight comes to his conclusion pretty quickly. Some more discussion between the characters would have been better. You also start the story with a new sentence "so let me get this straight", which in combination of a new comic (to us) implies that the scenario has just begun, and there's nothing to visually confirm that they've been at it awhile. Maybe scribbles on Prof. Blight's note pad? or entering the scene with a "... morning you sampled" would do to aid it there.
The ending is also painfully nondramatic. It ends with nothing wanting us to carry on. We know he's in therapy, and I now know that it's the basis for the Miller Tournament in Thriller's canon. But there's nothing at the end of this comic to really pull you on.The small panel has little impact and you could have done this much better.
Overall, it's ok. You can do better.
I loved the premise of this comic, and you do well with a short page count.
The pink has been addressed, I think a more subdued colour would have been much more appropriate. As it stands, the pink is both eye rapey and has a tendency to mask some of the detail in the comic.
The pacing does seem a little quick, and Prof. Blight comes to his conclusion pretty quickly. Some more discussion between the characters would have been better. You also start the story with a new sentence "so let me get this straight", which in combination of a new comic (to us) implies that the scenario has just begun, and there's nothing to visually confirm that they've been at it awhile. Maybe scribbles on Prof. Blight's note pad? or entering the scene with a "... morning you sampled" would do to aid it there.
The ending is also painfully nondramatic. It ends with nothing wanting us to carry on. We know he's in therapy, and I now know that it's the basis for the Miller Tournament in Thriller's canon. But there's nothing at the end of this comic to really pull you on.The small panel has little impact and you could have done this much better.
Overall, it's ok. You can do better.
# 11
Posted:
Nov 29 2011, 08:23 AM
Kent- I gave you a higher score for creativity simply because i liked your story more i liked how it ended personally because it was a prequel i kinda even though we didnt get to physically see the Dr. in action your story lead me to believe the tourney itself was the spell and i thought that was awesome even tho pink was way over saturated. liked that you did push your background alot more i feel like thats one of your only weakness because it doesnt allow you to switch up your camera angles and no establishing doesnt allow you audience to enter your story.
Fetus- i loved your use of tone and the composition of your background proves that less is more in a big way! for your first battle you def didnt disappoint but by voids standards the story was very cliche. but i know you where considering creating a character you were more interested in so thats understandable.
all in all this was a great battle
Fetus- i loved your use of tone and the composition of your background proves that less is more in a big way! for your first battle you def didnt disappoint but by voids standards the story was very cliche. but i know you where considering creating a character you were more interested in so thats understandable.
all in all this was a great battle
# 10
Posted:
Nov 28 2011, 10:29 PM
Kent- Whoa that pink was totally killing my eyes haha. That aside the story was okay and the art when I wasn't feeling super blinded was pretty cool. The story would have been better had it actually had more to it! It feels like I walked off a cliff at the end there.
Funfetus - You are amazing. I already told you that I thought this comic was totally awesome in the void chat as well as the fact that I thought it had a little Hewlett touches in there. This character of yours is rad (I know you are on the fence with him) and I would love to see what you end up doing next (VOID or non-VOID) because your stuff is great. Real slick stuff, I think I might have even learned a thing or two by reading this.
Funfetus - You are amazing. I already told you that I thought this comic was totally awesome in the void chat as well as the fact that I thought it had a little Hewlett touches in there. This character of yours is rad (I know you are on the fence with him) and I would love to see what you end up doing next (VOID or non-VOID) because your stuff is great. Real slick stuff, I think I might have even learned a thing or two by reading this.
# 9
Posted:
Nov 28 2011, 04:02 PM
Kent: it felt like it was going to a good place! I got to the last page, and I thought something was wrong with my mouse, that I couldn't click to the next page. I eventually realized it got cut off and got a little sad ): what youhad was good, but I gave you a lower scoring than I would have if it was complete.
Funfetus: what an incredible first battle here, really! I know you were talking about not being sure about the script, but I think it came together well in the end. Very entertaining and top notch on the artwork.
Funfetus: what an incredible first battle here, really! I know you were talking about not being sure about the script, but I think it came together well in the end. Very entertaining and top notch on the artwork.
# 8
Posted:
Nov 27 2011, 09:14 PM
Me too! Also, kinda nervous.
# 7
Posted:
Nov 27 2011, 12:06 PM
Me too!
# 6
Posted:
Nov 27 2011, 09:58 AM
Pretty excited for this :]
# 5
Posted:
Nov 18 2011, 07:53 PM
Miller.
# 4
Posted:
Nov 5 2011, 12:09 AM
Alright, can't wait to see you in action FunFetus. I look forward to the outcome.
A double helping of Kent? Yes please!
A double helping of Kent? Yes please!
# 3
Posted:
Nov 4 2011, 06:48 AM
Heeeellll yeeaaaaah.
Welcome to void Fetus, I can't wait to see what you throw down, your intro comics are super clean. Good luck dudes!
Welcome to void Fetus, I can't wait to see what you throw down, your intro comics are super clean. Good luck dudes!
# 2
Posted:
Nov 3 2011, 11:49 PM
Don't make a mess children.
# 1
Posted:
Nov 3 2011, 08:09 PM
YESSSS GOGOGO!
Regular Match
Drawing Time:
4 weeks
Ended:
Dec 4th, 2011
Votes Cast:
13
Page Views:
2211
Winner:
Funfetus
einsam
Colbitzer
@ 3:32 PM Apr 17th
Birthright
Saal, Louise Ambre-Aliona, and Llaana
@ 3:44 PM Apr 16th
Help Needed
Theakon
@ 2:19 PM Apr 16th
The Great Switcheroo
Louise Ambre-Aliona vs. Luniel Gekka
@ 3:26 AM Apr 15th
The Great Switcheroo
Colbitzer vs. Veruca Chance
@ 5:22 PM Apr 14th
| ||
| ||
| ||
| ||
|
534 Guests, 0 Users
Most Online Today: 643.
Most Online Ever: 1,184 (Jan 13, 2020, 06:21 PM)
Artist
Wow, man -- thanks very much for the very detailed, very insightful critique. I agree almost completely with everything you said. Many of them are things I had doubts about but wasn't sure, or knew that I could be doing better, but just said "fuck it" in the interest of getting it done quickly. ("Drink Place" was absolutely a placeholder, but I decided I liked it. I guess I was fooling myself.
The environment shifts seem to be my biggest recurring problem, and to be honest, it's something I know that I do, but I guess I'd convinced myself that it wasn't a big deal. Thanks for the wakeup call.
Thanks again for this. This is probably the best critique I've ever received for comics, and I can tell you put a ton of thought and work into it.